Dear Ralph: My son is going astray

Hello Ralph
        I have a very huge problem right now and I want to hear your opinion and possible suggestions. I am really confused about what to do in this situation and I just decided to leave it for sometime because I am sure if I handled it, with what I saw, I would have done some serious damage. I am a single mother, 30 years in age and almost 31. My son is 12 years old and he means the world to me, he is the only person I have in this world and I do my best to bring him up and protect him the best way possible. His father left me after I got pregnant and I have been too busy with him to think of another relationship. Anyway, something happened recently that has got me worried about my son. It started one evening, he came back from school oddly late and according to him they had extra classes, actually he had been coming back late through the whole week but this particular day got me thinking for some reason. I brushed it aside and just forgot about it. He came back the next day, late again and I called my friend who is a mum to one of his friends and asked if the closing time had changed for the boys, she said no that her son still comes back on time.
I called my son and asked him and he said that it was hold up on the road that causes him to come back late at times and still insisted that they have remedial classes. I left him that night and this kept going on for some time. So one Friday morning, about 3 weeks ago, He went to school and I entered his room. I saw his phone and picked it up, only to look through his chat and I was shocked at what I saw. My little boy was engaging in very profound acts at such a tender age. I was confused, I didn't know what to do but I kept going through the chats. It was a particular girl in his class that he was meeting up with every evening and they had found a spot to do what they do. I was really heartbroken, I don't know how he got to learn this or who exposed him to such. I thought I was being very careful with him, but as it turns out I have already lost him. I found this out about 3 weeks ago and I still don't know if I should let him know I have caught him. He still comes back late, maybe because I have not told him anything yet but I am scared to say anything that might cause a problem or make him stop loving me. I do not know what to do anymore. Please advice me, I don't even know where to start.

                                                                                                                                              Anonymous











Dear Anonymous,
          First of all I believe you are causing more damage by leaving your son to still do what he has been doing. You need to call his attention at once and show him what you found out. Let him know that you are furious and if you are angry at him then express it. That way you can stop him from keeping the late nights and restrict his movement a little, but your aim is to monitor him and guide him. I know this is really bad what he did but you need to balance things out so you don't cause further damage. You don't want to seem as though you are just being plain wicked to him and at the same time you don't want to be too soft on him, if not he would carry on with this act. Let him know that you are angry at him, it is okay to express your anger but most of all, express disappointment. Disappointment would get to him more if he is a considerate child and he would know that he hurt you more than if you just show anger alone. Let him know that you expected better of him, and let him know that you are angry for his own good. I know it isn't easy being a single mum but you can't do anything right now about that. So take care of your son the right way and lead him through the right path. Acting ignorant to what he is doing is only going to ruin him more.

I also think the parents of the girl he is doing this with should be involved. I don't know how things are for her and how they would handle it but I think that is the right thing for you to do. If you do not want to involve them then at least meet with the girl. Tell your son to invite her to the house that you want to see her. So that you can caution her against such acts. Let her know how wrong it is for her, in other words what I want you to do is not tell her to stop spoiling your son, instead show her that it is her own interest that you are concerned for. You need to show each of them individual interest. Now I am suggesting this approach because I want them to learn and still be able to trust you for advice. If they are able to then you would able to guide them more.

You are wasting precious time by allowing this to drag on and acting like you didn't see anything. It won't go away if you pretend, you need to face what has happened. Don't be scared that he would hate you, as long as you do this with the right reason. It is better he hates you today and loves you tomorrow. Try and help him build a reasonable future for himself. Things would have been easier if he had a father figure, so if you are planning on dating anybody then it could be a bonus for you. But I am not saying you should go and look for a man for this purpose alone. Also you need to start your adult education classes for your son, since he has already seen and done it then there is nothing to hide. You can as well show him the right way so you make sure he is being safe and cautious. But do not do it in a way that tells him that you are giving him the full go ahead to carry on as long as he is being safe.

I would say this one more time. Please go and tell your son what you have found out. Waste no more time my dear. I would be waiting to hear how the talk went. Please I know it's not easy but try and pay more attention to your son and observe him more. Be more involved in his life. It is very important at his age.

                                                                                                                                                     Ralph