Dear Ralph: My temper made me loose her.

Hello Raphael,
          I am in some serious emotional trouble right now, I do not know  where to go or how to begin to solve this. My relationship is over now and I don't know what to do next. You see I have always had a bad temper. I am quick to anger and easily conclude things which makes me take offence easily and qrongly. I met my girl or should I say ex girl about 2 years ago. And I must confess, those were the best two years of my life. I however messed everything up. She was a potential wife material and I swear to you I really did love her. She took good care of me and took good care of my home. The problem was me and my temper as usual.
 You see as someone who has always been suspicious of everything and everyone also as someone who never wants to look silly in front of people, I always try to "act sharp" and catch people before they fool me. I don't know if it is me being paranoid or if it just my temper that is responsible for this. Anyway I and my girlfriend had a serious argument lately. According to her, I do not trust her and the way I ask her about other guys sounds like I am already accusing her. I thought she was over reacting but looking back at it now I can see clearly that she was right.

We got into a serious argument because of a friend of hers that she met at a church retreat. I was very uncomfortable with this and it felt odd to me that she was seriously trying to protect this guy from anything I had to say about him. She kept telling me of how I am just looking for a way to start something and that I need to learn to be more trusting. The issue with this particular guy dragged on for too long and I had to confront her. I told her that I never wanted him around her again and she said she couldn't do it for me, that I had succeeded in chasing all her friends away, even the female ones and that she couldn't keep living like that. Things got heated up and as usual I started threatening her but unlike her this time she shouted back at me and I was very surprised. I told her not to try it again and to listen to me when I speak but she was too angry to listen to me so I slapped her. She is really smallish so she fell on the floor, I felt really bad but my stupid pride never let me show her how sorry I was. Instead I kept on shouting at her while she was crying. I was scared as I walked away from her, somehow deep inside me I knew it was over but refused to believe it. She left me the next day and wouldn't pick my calls anymore. I know I have lost her and don't know if it is possible to get her back. I also know that she deserves better. I just still want to try and get her back no matter what it takes. She is the only person that can keep my anger in check. Please can you offer any advice?

                                                                                                                                                       Kevwe










Dear Kevwe,
          Getting her back is possible but not guaranteed. But the real question is, would you be ready and changed if she agrees to take you back. You see you really have to work on your trust and your temper a whole lot.

The fact that she decided to fight for this person is probably as a result of the way you push her friends away. You might have made her feel chocked up in the relationship so things were bound to get like this eventually. You need to allow her to be free because truth be told, if you keep holding a person back they would only do what they want to do at your back. You need to allow her and be there for her, all you can actually do is advice her and show her the best thing to do with reasons, then allow her to make decisions on her own not dictate for her. So understand that even though you feel you are protecting your relationship by being controlling, all you are  doing is actually driving her away. It is already enough that you do not show her trust but controlling her must have driven her to this. And even if this person isn't actually the best of people, your actions might have caused her to react the way she did just to prove to herself that she is still in control of her life. So you need to give her a little breathing space.


Also, hitting a person, woman or man but mostly women is totally unacceptable. You have to learn to control yourself seriously. You have been shouting at her all the time and she has been able to control herself all the while. Don't you think that you might have pushed her into shouting back at you? Think of it, if you do not let her speak out and tell you how she feels then you can't actually say that what you both have is a relationship can you? It would be more like a boss and follower thing not a anything mutual. If you keep suppressing her voice then she is bound to explode one day because there is only so much that a person can take. Please I need you to think of her and the damage you can cause. She is smallish and the damage you might have cause could have been worse. Think of her next time, if you truly love her, it'll help in giving you some control.

The most important thing anyways is that you have admitted your fault and are willing to work on your issues so I believe that it's possible for you to still correct this. Depending on the severity you might have to think of an anger management class. Do not let out your anger by violence, instead let it out through words. Try to concentrate on the issues in your life and how to fix them instead because anger and violence would only spoil things even more. Remember that the damage you could cause while angry would most likely always be more than what caused the anger in the first place.

You just have to keep trying to show her how sorry you are. Try and visit her, show her you are a changed man. Keep working on how to control yourself, let go of your pride and learn to trust a little bit more. She needs to see your efforts and see that you are at least willing to change. It isn't going to happen over night but it is best like that. If you struggle enough for this,it would help you appreciate her more when you get her back. So just keep at it, hopefully she would realize and see the change in you. But if at the end of the day she still decides not to take you back, then just swallow it and carry on. All you can do by then is to live with the lessons you have learnt and to make sure you don't screw things up with the next person you might meet.

I hope she takes you back and I hope you also learn how to control your temper. Always remember to take a deep breath and think before making decisions. Think about the situation in front of you and consider the effect of your choice of actions. Take thing easy.

                                                                                                                                                      Ralph