Dear Ralph: Would I ever be able to love another person's child?

Hi Ralph,
        Greeting and hope you are doing fine. I have something I would like you to help me out with. I and my husband have been together for 5 years now. We have had our own fair share of ups and downs. We are just a regular everyday couple with one thing missing, my womb. It might have been as a result of certain things I wish not to discuss on this our family blog, hope I can call this my family blog because I really find comfort reading your posts. I have come to love it a lot. Anyway let us just say that I didn't have the cleanest record in school and it might have affected my ability to bear a child. I regret everything that I did, but the ones I was forced into and the ones I opted for on my own. My husband is a very loving man and he knows everything about my dark days as I would like to call them and yet chooses to love me all the same.
He never criticizes or judges me based on my past although I know it gives us issues on trust. He has been really true to me and I can't ask for a better man.

The problem anyway is my lack of ability to bear a child. My husband, although sad about it has come to accept it but now he is making a suggestion. He says he wants to pregnant another woman because he needs a child and someone to take over from him when he is gone. I know I don't deserve him and that he deserves to have a child . But somehow I just can't accept that it is proper for him to be with another woman. Even though he says the woman is going to leave the child and he would pay her off, that it's just a contract, I don't think she would easily just leave her child like that. Also, him laying with someone else is just not easy for me to accept. The major problem I have with this is that I do not think I would be able to look at that child as my own. I am afraid I would treat him/her as an outcast and not be a mother to the person. I know this makes me sound horrible but you have to believe that I have tried to fight this feeling. It is just the way I am, I don't know if I can put up with this. I told him to give me some time to think about it and I have been confused on what to do ever since. Please I need your help. What do I do?

                                                                                                                                               Anonymous










Dear Anonymous,
             I am really sorry to hear about your condition and you should also know that your reason for not wanting him to get another persons child is perfectly understandable so do not feel like you are a horrible person for this. I guess it is just that natural sense of possession and the idea of your man being with another woman that is quite disturbing. However as you have said, you have to understand that the man would need to have an heir to his possessions. Also The fact that you can't bear a child shouldn't make you feel down regardless of your past and whatever you have experienced. The most important thing is that your man still loves you and isn't using it against you or blaming you for whatever happened, so leave this guilt in the past. I might have a way around this for you.

There are surrogate mothers these day and better yet there are companies that actually train surrogate mothers. I don't know if they are in your own country yet but this to me is a very good option. These companies have a contract that you sign and you can include in the contract that once you pay for the baby that it would be yours alone and that the woman who carried the baby would have no right of claim over the baby. That way you can secure your fear of the woman showing up after some time to claim the baby. And if she does you would be able to sue for your right.

There is also something called artificial insemination, where your husband just has to deliver his semen in a container and doctors help to plant it in a woman of your choice. She then carries the baby for the duration of time (9 months) that she has to, delivers the baby for you and then you take your child. Now with this method and the idea of a surrogate mother you can easily avoid your husband having to lay with another woman and at the same time have a child with at least your husbands DNA.

The third option is to simply adopt a child from an orphanage home. Now I know you might not want this because you mentioned that you might not be able to treat the child like yours because of the fact that you aren't the mother. But I believe that you would be able to if you just try, if you have any siblings or friends that have given birth, then you would know that it is capable of loving another persons child just like they were yours. You cannot use the excuse of you not being the mother because it isn't true and let me explain what I mean. I met someone, actually a girl that I actually dated. She grew up and the first 20 years of her life, she never knew that the woman that she looked at as her mum was her mums friend. It also turned out that the person she saw as her mums close friend was her real mum. I asked her how she deals with it and she said to me that, even though she knows her biological mum now, she still always considers the woman she grew up knowing and loving as her real mum the woman who took care of her. So being a mother goes beyond genes and DNA. It goes much much deeper than that. You would love that child and that child would look at you as a mother and you would know that the baby is actually yours. The baby might not have your blood or your genes, but you would share a bond stronger than anything else. Just give it a chance and see, I promise you, when you see the right baby, you wouldn't have a choice. Do this with an open mind, don't try to fight it, just let it happen naturally and you won't regret it. You are a woman and you are naturally capable of showing unconditional love.

However if you feel you still can't do it and need a final reason. Then consider your husband and that he really needs a child. I really hope you consider my reasons and give this a chance. It would be a wonderful experience. Your decision still remains yours. I can only hope you make the right one. Best of luck in choosing.

                                                                                                                                                    Ralph




Oh and one final thing, welcome to the family. You don't even need to ask, once you log in and look at the blog, we abduct you and make you one of us. Feel at home and interact with others. Help out when you can with other peoples problem by commenting when you feel I don't say everything on a post. Welcome...