Dear Ralph: He watches "Movies"

Dear Ralph
         I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now and he is a really great guy. He loves me and so far everything has been great, the talks, the friendship, the chemistry and our intimate life. He is actually very good in the bedroom. I traveled out of town for something recently and finished early, so instead of the 3 weeks I was meant to stay out of the house. I ended up spending only a week and two days. So I simply came back into town  and decided to spend the rest of the time in his place and have some time with him. We had stayed about 5 days and everything was fine with us. We got intimate frequently during my stay. But then one night when I woke up and I saw him on his laptop, the volume was low but I know the kind of sounds that I was hearing. I came closer thinking maybe it was just a love scene from a movie only for me to recognize it for what it really was.
What disgusted me the most was where his hands where. I felt really embarrassed and screamed at him. He was surprised that I was up and quickly closed the laptop and started asking what the problem was, Can you imagine? He was actually me what the problem was. I was so shocked because I never knew him to be that kind of person. I felt really bad because I thought we had a very good bedroom life. I thought I was enough for him. But he chooses to cheat on me with these people that are not real. I don't think I am enough for him anymore and I feel betrayed. He has been looking at other people and dreaming about them instead of me. I have asked a couple of my friends and they say that their men do it also and I got really confused because I have never experienced this before. This is all really new to me. Is this normal and am I over reacting? I don't let him come close to me or touch me anymore because I feel really bad for what he did. And the fact that he didn't even know that what he did was wrong and was asking me what the problem was is what shocks me the most. Is there any advice you can give? is this normal? How do I stop him from this? Thank you.

                                                                                                                                                     Debby










Dear Debby,
          I wouldn't say that it is "wrong" of him exactly. But it all depends on the understanding you both have. There are people, even girls that do not mind if the guys watch these movies. Many girls do it themselves also and some couples watch it together even. Although I kind of understand how you might feel seeing it for the first time. Especially seeing it so suddenly like that without any hint of it happening before. Also certain ladies and guys feel that once they are present, that their partner shouldn't indulge in such movies or the follow up acts. So this might also be part of the reason you are angry. But do not panic, it doesn't make him a bad person or any less the person he has been before you found out. This is only just something extra to who he is and it's good you found out now.

If you want him to stop, it would be very difficult but then not totally impossible. There are people that have decided to stop and then stopped. Either within a couple of tries and fewer people with just a single try. It all depends on if he would actually want to and decide that he has to stop. He would have to learn how to control himself. Probably his urges are very high and even though you do your best to please him, you achieve it at that point. But then give him some time again and he is back to where he was, it's not his fault, it's just his nature. So it might not necessarily mean that you aren't enough for him or that he is cheating on you. It might just mean that he doesn't want to disturb you any further or doesn't want you to look at him like a freak but still needs satisfaction. You could try to be more available for him every single time he has an urge and coupled with a little self control for when you just can't be around, he might be able to reduce the habit a lot more. Although you might not be able to rely on this method but just think about it and know if it'll work for you. I also know that you might find it somehow that he looked upon other females that where nude, but you need to understand that most people that do this don't do it with any extra sentiments attached. To understand this more you have to be able to separate the people in these movies from what they are engaging in. He is concentrating on just the act to get the boost he needs to finish up and not developing any feelings for the people engaging in them. Like loving a song but not the artist that sang it, get what I mean?

Since he actually never knew that you would find it wrong, then you could try and express your feelings about this to him. Let him know you don't like it and let him explain first hand to you why he does it. All I am doing is giving you possible reasons and trying to calm you down so you can give him an ear. So try and listen to what he has to say, you would understand better if he explains things directly to you. Don't worry too much until you have spoken to him and expressed your concerns. Also who knows, maybe watching this is actually what has helped him develop some skills in the bedroom. Don't spoil what you guys have because of this, sort it out to him and as I said before,  you both should decide on what to do. I'll be here for some extra suggestions on what to do if you want them. Take care for now and best of luck

                                                                                                                                                    Ralph