Dear Ralph: He isn't proud of me.

Hi Ralph,
      I am a student at UNICAL and i'm in my 200 level. I am 19 years old and a very bright student. Just getting this out of the way so you know that I don't let my relationship interfere with my studies.  Recently I got into a relationship with a guy. Actually this is my first relationship ever and I am trying my best to be careful about everything. I am not indulging in any thing extra, apart from us kissing every once in a while. It's not that I don't like him, I just want to keep myself until after marriage regardless of whatever anybody says. I have friends pressuring me but that is none of my business, I know what I want. Now the problem is that I think he isn't proud of me. We have been together since my 1st year and ever since then. He has only used my picture on his bbm on my birthday. Then the only other times I might appear there is when I disturb him and keep bugging him about it. It seems he isn't proud of me and doesn't want the world to know about me. He puts up other people's pictures, even girls and on random occasions. Not that he gives them any love message or anything but I know how these girls in this school are, they would settle for anything even if he doesn't use them at all. I have spoken to him about this and he just tells me that it doesn't matter and that I am being paranoid.
I know I am not being paranoid because he is very handsome and there are many girls out there waiting for me to move an inch and they would move me the rest of the mile. I do not want to loose him and at the same time I cannot be in a relationship where I am not celebrated. He could be cheating on me even and I wouldn't know because I don't see any reason for him to use other girls and not me. I see some guy friends of mine put up their girlfriends every once in a while.I want this because it makes me feel special and he just won't do it for me. Please how can I make him start doing this, is there anything I am doing wrong? Thank you very much.

                                                                                                                                                     Shakirah













Dear Shakirah,
           You are absolutely right for wanting to be made to feel special. However you should understand also that him not using you on his bbm profile might actually just be the way he is. There are many guys out there that just like to have that bbm as their personal space and not have you take over it. Also I must tell you that if your only means of knowing unfaithfulness is via bbm display pictures, then you are getting this all wrong. Most likely your reason for being like this is because this is your first relationship and you are totally into this guy. Do not think about it too much if you can. You might just be attaching too much to something that doesn't mean much. He might be handsome and have other women falling over him, but he chose to be with you right? Do not suspect him for something you aren't sure of quite yet. This doesn't mean he isn't proud of you at all. There are guys that also just don't like their relationship life out there in front of everybody, it doesn't mean the person isn't proud of you. It could just be their own way of protecting what they have and keeping every other person out of their business.

Now As much as I would want to discourage you from telling him anything about this, I understand what you mean by this making you feel special. And you really need that, you deserve to feel special. So if this is the only way for you to get it, then I might have a couple of tips for you.
      First of all you would have to change your manner of approach towards this. You might be coming off as a little bit of a nag because of how badly you want this. So you need to watch how you do this when you "keep disturbing him" about this. He might misinterpret it for you just wanting to dominate every aspect of his life and even down to his phone and men do not like that. Do not blame him for wanting a little space, everybody needs some place they can be on their own even in relationships. So instead, explain yourself more, don't just keep telling him to use you as a display pic or say the occasional "you won't even put me up on bbm sef" when arguing or something related to that. Instead let him know how it would make you feel. Let him know you would feel good if he can do it for you. Let him understand more about the reason why you want him to do this for you. You would have a better chance at making him do this if you get him to understand and even if he doesn't forget your picture up there or keep swapping it everyday. You would at least notice a little improvement. Then from there you can get him to get more used to it if possible and increase the way he does it. But don't push it too much, ping him and show appreciation if he does it, it would encourage him to do it again next time.

Finally just try to concentrate on other parts of your relationship and don't let this ruin what you both have. As I said before, this doesn't show any real indication of unfaithfulness or that he isn't proud of you, everyone has their own way and being in a relationship means understanding the other person, so build your understanding for each other instead. If this is the only problem in the relationship then don't bother yourself too much. Also, kudos to you for scoring a handsome guy. Hope his personality is as good as his looks. Also I encourage you to maintain your stance the way you have when it comes to intimacy. Do it at your own time and make sure nobody pressures you into it. If your choice is to wait till after marriage then it is very fine. Just make sure your friends have no say in it.


                                                                                                                                                    Ralph