Dear Ralph: My mum wouldn't let me marry her.

Hello Ralph,
        I need a quick solution before I loose my mind. I and my mother have been battling for more than a year now about the woman I want to marry. I am Ibo and she is Yoruba. I have tried all my best to tell her that the girl is a nice person but she wouldn't agree. From the day I mentioned to her that I want to marry this girl and told her where she is from, I haven't heard word. She has been bringing other women for me to see and the mere mention of my fiance's name is like a taboo to her now. She has always been a stubborn woman and I think she only got worse when my father passed away. I am the last of 5 children. 3 girls and 2 boys. Everybody is married to Ibo people but I believe that was their choice. This is my choice and I have chosen my Yoruba wife. I am tired of the arguments and my fiance is even getting scared of us getting married. This is going to destroy my happiness but the woman is too stubborn to listen.
I haven't even been able to bring my wife to the house for her to see because I am scared that she would embarrass her. And I do not want any kind of friction between my mum and my wife, so I keep them at arms length. I am thinking of just going ahead and getting married to her without my mother's consent. But at the same time, even though the woman likes forming tough, I know she is fragile. If I do things like this she would break down. She hasn't been herself since my dad passed away. Although she is strong but I know that even she has her own breaking point. I am confused on the next step to take. Biko help me, I need the advice before I loose my mind completely. Thank you.

                                                                                                                                               Anonymous













Dear Anonymous
         The choice is totally yours to make of course. You are the person that would be married forever to this person so you deserve to make your choice and choose the person that would be best for you. If you both are very much in love then reassure your wife that everything would be fine. You two should stand together right now and don't let the pressure break you people. I have something you might try out and see if it works

If your siblings plan on spending Christmas with your mum this end of year, then you should call them one by one and make a proposal. Tell them of your plan to get married to your woman and tell them her tribe that's if they don't know already. If they all support you then tell them the challenge you are facing with your mum. Ask them to help you talk to your mum. Then when everybody comes back, maybe after you all must have spoken to your mum. Suggest to her that she at least sees the girl first and not judge by her tribe. Let her know that she trained a smart man and that you wouldn't bring someone that would cause her headache. Then if she agrees you can go ahead to bring your fiance to the house to meet your mum.

Now there might be an air of tension at first but you need to be around to make your fiance feel a bit at ease. Let her carry on and do what she has to do like a woman being brought into a a new home. If she is a nice person, even if your mum doesn't accept her right now. It would just be a matter of time before your mum begins to see the good in her. Hopefully at least your mum would be patient enough for that to happen.

Also there is a big possibility that regardless, your mum would still not accept her so be very ready for her. Try and keep your wife calm. Do not let your wife act out in front of the woman and what I personally advice people is that if your wife feels like shouting, let her tell you everything she needs to say. She should just not let it out on your mum because eventually if your mum annoys her for a long time the she would be bound to get angry because she is only human. With your siblings present this period, you would have more help at your side. So just tell your wife what the plan is and have her work with you on this.

I am really sorry to hear about your dad. You have my condolences. Take care for now and if possible get back to me on your progress.

                                                                                                                                                    Ralph