Dear Ralph: Was I right to chase her away?

Hello Raphael
          I had a girlfriend, I met her when I traveled out of the country to London for my masters. She is from England and I was really surprised at the way we bonded because I never expected to understand people form foreign lands. But it was like she was the only person that ever actually understood me to a very large extent. I have had other girlfriends in the past and none of them made me this happy. We were together for 9 months and intimate for about 3 months of the whole 9 months. We were discussing one day after doing it, just laying down together and talking randomly. So the issue of body counts came up, she actually was the one to bring it up. So I answered her as truthfully as I could. I have dated 4 different girls and had my own fair share of one nighters and other adventures as a man. But the problem was when I asked her about her own count. Ralph, she had been with 6 different people!

I was really confused when she said it but I did my best in concealing it. Although yes she said that she had dated 4 of them and that the remaining 2 was a "long story". I started getting ashamed of her and pulling away. I couldn't go near her anymore, let alone get down with her any more. She noticed how I pull back when she tries to come close to me and started asking questions but I couldn't say anything. I just kept telling her that I was getting busier these days which was clearly a lie. Slowly I stopped picking her calls or calling as much as I used to do in the past. It caused a serious problem between us but I really didn't care as at then. I just wanted her to get frustrated and push her away. I used to see her as this innocent and sweet girl but the news she gave me and with the free manner she used to say it, I felt really disgusted. It was as if she was actually proud of it and thought of it as an achievement. Anyway after a series of arguments, I broke up with her. She cried so much and tried to get back with me but I never gave her the chance. Just recently she finally sent me a text saying that she was done trying. Telling me how she still really loves me and wants an explanation at least to why I changed. I read the text and started feeling really bad for what I did. I miss her a lot and don't know if it was the right thing that I did. I wouldn't ever be comfortable with this because I see her as loose now. And the image of random people having their way with her just keeps flashing in my head and I can't live with it. I do not know what to do right now and I am not sure if I made the right decision by sending her away. Please can you help me with any advice?


                                                                                                                                                         Steve











Dear Steve,
          It isn't weird that you feel like this, there are lots of people out there that would run at the mention of a lady who has a body count of even above two. But I would ask you not to judge this wonderful lady because of this. Just look at things like this, before you knew her body count, she was a good person to you right? She was great and you two had all the really good chemistry. And you want to throw all that away because of her past? I know it isn't easy but you need to leave her past at the back where it belongs. The most important thing is that she chose to be right here with you. When she was dating all those people, I doubt she ever knew that you would come into the picture. So do not use this to spoil all the wonderful memories you both have. Try and reconsider this, think of all the good times you two have had in the past.

You said that people hardly understand you and now you have found this person who understand you so easily without even putting in any effort. Someone who relates with you so naturally and you know she isn't faking it. Are you willing to let her go and stand the chance of never meeting another person like her. I think you should go back to her because believe me,you might meet someone tomorrow quite alright. But you would never know what the problem would be in the next person you meet. Everybody out there has their flaws and a past.

I know it looked somehow when she was freely discussing this with you and telling you of everybody she has been with. But doesn't that tell you that she trusts you completely and feels comfortable enough with you to open up and tell you all that so easily. She probably didn't expect you to get angry about it. And also think of it this way, if she was comfortable to open up and tell you about this, then what again do you think she would hide from you. At least with her you know where you stand. Assuming she didn't tell you, you wouldn't have known and you would have gone on to believe what you wanted, but she chose to confide in you. Believe me, you want a relationship where everything is out in the open between the both of you. No secrets, no lies, no deceit. If she wanted to play the innocent girl that had been with only 1 person ever or no one at all. She would have done it, but instead she chose to be truthful to you, that is a plus for her in my own books actually. So I would ask you not to look at it as if she was trying to brag about it. Look beyond what you feel right now and judge this properly to know how she actually meant it.

I really think you should call her and get back together with her. She sounds like a great person and the mistakes are all in the past. You both have only been actively intimate for only 3 months out of 9. Meaning at least she didn't jump on you from the first day right? I think she has learnt from her past mistakes and is still growing. Help her grow instead of running away from her. And you miss her so do not fight the feeling, go back to your girl and fix this.

But if you still feel like you cannot manage it, then I understand and it is totally your own decision. By then it would be best to leave it instead of staying there and remaining uncomfortable. Just make sure you aren't throwing away something valuable for somethings worth you know nothing about. I would also advice that next time you just let it out, tell the person what the problem is. Let the person know why you are leaving them, it is more respectable that way. It would help you and give the person a chance to explain things well. Do not just back away, face the problem and tackle it then only back away when it is hopeless. Still as I said before, the decision is yours to make. I hope you make the right one.


                                                                                                                                                        Ralph