Dear Ralph: I love her but she isn't mine

Dear Ralph,
        I met this girl July 2014. We became friend and I asked her for a date somewhere and she agreed. on our date she told me that she had a boyfriend. I felt bad but continued to be friendly with her. Later I couldn't help myself but to tell her how strongly emotional I was getting for her. She said responding was inappropriate for her as she was in a relationship. How ever she soon became receptive and we started making out and smooching. But of course she still has her boyfriend. Lately I have been pressuring her that we take it further and get intimate, she usually agrees but then turns me down at the lat minute. I don't know what do with all this. I am deeply emotional now. Sometimes we fight over issues like her being bossy and wanting to take control of things.
We also fight over her taking my feeling for granted. I have though about cutting communication in the past and I have tried but it never worked out. She is a colleague at work and most of our other colleagues feel we are dating. What if she herself comes to me to be intimate? what do I do? What if she breaks up with her boyfriend tomorrow? Do I have to open up outright and tell her that I am cutting communication if I choose to try again or what? How do I make it clear to her that this decision I've reached isn't cos she refused to sleep with me again after she accepted to do it with me this time. I feel guilty also because she is for some other person. What do you thing I can do that's best for me? Thank you Ralph


                                                                                                                                       
                                                                                                                                                 Kennedy







Dear Kennedy,
             You have to know first of all that although what you are going through is natural, it isn't the right thing. It is normal to feel something for someone and find it hard to resist the temptations that follow even knowing that she belongs to another person. But it is good that you realize that it isn't right.
        You need to imagine if she was finally your and then she goes kissing someone else, getting close and even almost sleeping with the person. The best thing I believe is for you to give her some space. Since you are already emotionally attached then cut communication and contact as much as possible with her. I know you both work at the same place and it is going to be hard but then you still have to try. Only go to her when you absolutely need something from her and know that no other person can help you out but her. But this doesn't mean you shouldn't speak to her at all. Don't make things awkward by not talking to her at all, just generally avoid any personal discussion with her or anything not work related and avoid being alone in a place with her to help you overcome the temptations. Also you need to erase that image that there is something going on with the both of you at the office and realize that it could put the both of you in trouble tomorrow. Be clean and straight forward about this. It isn't easy but it is the best thing you can do for now. You are only going to stay away from her long enough for you to regain self control when she is around you so don't worry.
   Allow her to go and be with her man, let her enjoy her relationship. You do not want to be responsible for breaking up her relationship because it could come back to bite you tomorrow. It's already bad enough that she is already cheating on him so you need to put an end to it as soon as possible. I know that it could be difficult cutting off form her, seeing that you just want to be with her no matter what. But I need you to put aside those feeling for now and think about what might happen in the future. What if at the end of the day she is fully yours and something goes wrong and you can't go on with her. You would have by then destroyed her relationship and still left her alone. The effects of this goes beyond what you might be able to think about right now. So just make sure that if she is going to be yours that you get her the right way. If she is happy with her man and they aren't having any problems then she might start regretting it if she leaves him and find out you two aren't compatible. You wouldn't hear the last of it if she is the type that decides to nag you about it. And by then she would be very right regardless of the fact that you two might have made the decision together.
          So if you really lover her and want her. I suggest you allow her to decision on her own to be with you. Do not make any attempt to lead her or trick her into leaving him. Let it be her honest decision. All you can do is state your feeling for her and respectfully back off. Believe me you would have more respect from her that way.

Now about if you should state that you both are cutting communication. I don't believe it is necessary but if you wish to it is also fine, just do it in the right manner. But if she notices and you didn't tell her and she asks why you are pulling back. Then tell her. Most likely she would ask if you are still friendly with her while pulling away from her personal life but if you act hostile then she might just conclude you are being childish and leave you. So maintain maturity and act normal when you both get to talk so she doesn't misread your intentions.

If you choose to let her know then you can generally just tell her that you want her for yourself. Let her know how you feel and that you can't afford to share her with any other person. Let her know you respect her relationship and that you don't want to be selfish by just getting what you want. Or else your intention is actually just settling for the physical intimacy and nothing deeper. I believe she would appreciate your selflessness.

It might be difficult to assimilate this at first but just give yourself some time. Work on your self control and together with determination you would be fine. Just take things a step at a time. And if you fall short don't give up. Get up and try again as long as you don't have in mind that it is acceptable to fall short. Don't use that as an excuse. Be strong. Hope this helps you in the best way possible.


                                                                                                                                               Ralph