Dear Ralph: I know he plays but I just can't leave him

Hello Ralph,
        I am writing with a heavy heart and so much confusion built up inside me. I and my boyfriend have been together for 5 years now and January 7th will make us 6 years. Saying that I am in love with m man would be an understatement. We are really close and we make the best couple ever, most of my friends envy me but it is because they don't know what I have to endure to be in this relationship. You see before I met my man he was dating another woman but was coming after me. I wasn't giving in at first but one day when I went out with a couple of my friends to the club I met him again and he was really on my case. He's girlfriend was in the club and he took me to he's car where we got talking and one thing led to the other we started making out. We didn't stop there,
so let me just say that if I wasn't careful we would be raising a child right now. Anyway he's girlfriend found out what we had done, I think someone saw us at it at the back of he's car in the club and told her. So they broke up but he said he was already getting tired of her and wanted to be with me. At first I didn't agree but after much persuasion we started dating.
       Now through the years we have been dating I have noticed countless number of females in he's life, funny phone calls and a lot of sneaking about. He cheats and cheat and cheats if I am to go straight to the point. I have caught him a lot of times and he has apologized and told me that he would stop it but then he would go back and keep doing the same thing. The thing is that I know he really loves me and cannot help himself when he's urge comes. I tried my best to endure it through the years and I have so far succeeded although with a lot fights and arguments and near break-ups. The thing is that he asked me to marry him and I was absolutely ecstatic. I said yes without thinking twice but you can imagine my heart break when a month later I had caught him with 3 different people already.
     I really love this man Ralph, I really want to be with him and I know he wants to be with me but now that it has come to marriage I am getting really confused. I am scared and don't know what to do. I want to spend my life with him but the hurt that this he's habit is causing me is really too much. Please what can I do?

                                                                                                                                                   Barbara










Dear Barbara
            I am sorry that you are going through such, I would state some possibilities why he may be treating you the way he does.
        You see although it happened a long time ago, recalling the incident in the club and the way you both started dating I can say that it might have contributed to why he treats you the way he does. But then what's happened has happened and you cannot change that particular incident. What we should look for is a way to fix this.
       You say you love him very much but have you asked yourself if he truly genuinely loves you? Now I am not saying that he doesn't because I know a couple of people that truly love their girlfriends but just can't help themselves from jumping into the sack with another woman at the slightest opportunity. For the sake of your happiness I pray that it is only a habit and not just him playing with your emotions. So you need find out if he really loves you, do not trick yourself into believing what isn't. Take some time off from this relationship and think about it for some time. Know if you are better off without him or if you are just scared of losing who you are comfortable with. Most of the times we get so comfortable with a particular person because of how long we have been with them that we begin to deny ourselves of our own worth. So I really think you need that break.
       You also mentioned "near break up experiences". Now its safe to assume that by near break up you both have come close to separating a number of times but you couldn't actually bring yourself to do it could you? Well if I am right then this could be another contributing factor. In this case he has gotten very comfortable and knows that no matter how much you threaten to live that you are just bluffing. He know you wouldn't actually carry on with the action and so just puts up a front about how sorry he is and then you come running back. But then there is still hope because in this case, when things start getting back is when he provokes you to leave and doesn't flinch at the slightest indication that you want to leave knowing that you would come back. So with this I urge you to be sure of what you are saying before you say it. If you say you are going to leave then actually leave, but if you know you won't leave then don't say anything and try to work on it. That way the day you finally make up your mind to leave, you would say it and mean it. And by doing this he would learn to take you more seriously.
       Now I know you might bring up the argument that he proposed to you so that means he is serious about you but i'll let you in on some things. People get married because of different reasons. Some marry a lady because she can cook, or can clean or because she is a trophy wife. Some marry to join the Married people of the society. There are so many reasons out there, it doesn't mean that he actually loves you. Now don't get me wrong. I am not saying he doesn't love you. All I am saying is that you should make sure he does and if he does he should love you enough to recognize that he is hurting you by he's actions.
       Also you might think that maybe after you two get married he would change but please do not make that mistake if you are not ready for him to keep at it for the rest of the relationship just to be prepared for the worst case scenario. Marriage isn't going to change he's habit, wearing a ring isn't going to change that habit, sometimes even love isn't enough to change this particular habit although it helps a lot. He has to learn self discipline through control. So if you are thinking of gambling this just think of the rest of your life first and know if you can handle it.

Finally I personally believe that no matter what that a person can change. I know I sounded a bit negative but I wanted you to see the really bad parts of this situation. So you can know if you would be able to handle the good parts. Just take it easy and take some of the suggestions I have offered you. Everything is going to work out. I hope he changes for the better. But if he doesn't, as much as I know it will be hard for you thinking of leaving him, you have to do what you can handle and if you can't handle him cheating? then you might have to start considering a new relationship.

Best of luck my dear

                                                                                                                                                     Ralph