Dear Ralph: My friend took him from me.

Good day Raphael,
             I have a big issue that has been really troubling me and I really need advice in handling the situation rationally because I don't know if I can take this insult. I met my boyfriend 3 years ago when we where still in school and we started dating shortly after that. He asked me out and I decided to give it a try because I had been single for a very long time. I usually don't easily give in to relationships but I thought what the heck, why not just give it a go this time. So we started dating and everything was fine, like a usual couple we have our fights and arguments but we usually make up. We had a big fight one day shortly after we left school and that was how everything started.

        I usually am very suspicious of people and easily call out any funny business before it happens. I suspected that he was cheating on me and so I got annoyed and confronted him. According to him he had seen enough of my episodes and wasn't going to take it that time. I get very violent when I argue so one thing led to the other and I broke he's TV in he's house. He got very mad at me and walked me out of the house. I couldn't take it because I know my value as a woman so I decided that the best thing was to end the relationship. A couple of weeks past and I started feeling bad about the whole thing. I was missing him and it was I guessed he was still angry because he wasn't contacting me although I refused to contact him either. I know he has he's pride but I also have mine. It dragged on for some time so I decided that I wanted to involve my friend that was friends with the both of us. We all used to spend time together when we were in school and they were kind of close. So I called my friend and narrated everything that had happened and asked her to please help me get him back, I didn't know how to go about it and I guess my never ending pride was part of the reason. And that was the biggest mistake I made.
         She agreed and said she was going to make sure we get back together. A couple of days later I called her to ask what was happening and how far she had gone because she hadn't given me any progress yet. I later got to find out that she was in he's house that moment and so I decided to cut the call and not give myself away. It was already late at night and I decided to sleep and check on her the next day. In the morning the next day I went over to her house and she wasn't around and I called her on the phone but she wasn't picking her call. After some tries she later picked the call an I asked her where she was, she said she was at home. So I told her to open the door that I was standing outside her gate then she changed the story and said she had gone to a friends place to get something. I noticed she answered with a sleepy voice and that was when I started suspecting she slept over in he's house. What made me more suspicious is because she had already lied and said she was around in the house.
       A lot has come up since I told her to help me get him back and unlike me I have ignored a lot. I was still really in doubt if she was going to do that to me. And I had actually asked her upfront if anything was up with the both of them but she said that nothing was wrong, that she was still working on it and that she was making progress. Telling me of how mad the guy was and how she is putting in a lot of effort, you can imagine the kind of effort she has actually been putting na! Anyways last 2 weeks was the final eye opener. My ex called me over the phone to tell me that he knows what I sent my friend to do. And that he wasn't going to give it a second thought, that It's best if we just remain friends and I agreed. So later we three were meant to meet up at a joint and I was really glad and hoped that the reason he initiated it was to try and get me back. I thought it was he's pride that made him say what he said to me over the phone so I decided to once again act out of character and look forward to this.
    I arrived and noticed that she was sitting oddly close to him and with her hand across he's chest and leaning on he's shoulder. As I walked in she quickly readjusted and sat well, I once again ignored that. I sat across the table from them and gave them a little space to observe what I was suspecting. We started drinking and after sometime she had to pee and I was surprised that after she got up like two minutes later he decided to ease himself also. I waited for a while and they weren't showing up so I went to the restroom to see what was happening. I walked in on them making out and I quickly turned and went back and sat down. I was confused and didn't know what to do. They later returned smiling sheepishly at themselves and laughing. That was when I knew that they didn't notice me walking in on them earlier. I told them that I had to leave so I got up and left.

I don't know if I should tell her that I know what she is doing, I don't know what to do, I am torn. I feel really betrayed by her and him also. I have just been confused. I am sorry for the long message but I even skipped some details. Please I need help in dealing with this, I don't know if I should go back to him, he was really a good person and I feel I screwed it up. I don't want to get violent and do something bad.  Please


                                                                                                                                               Anonymous









Dear Anonymous,
              This is going to be really difficult for you to hear. But it is time to drop the whole thing with the relationship and move on. I doubt it would be healthy going back into a relationship with him knowing that he is creeping with your friend. So I believe you should save yourself the heart ache and endure this pain for now. It will definitely pass. You should actually be happy that you got to find out this because you might have been led on for a long time and might have found out in a worse way, I know someone that found out that he's boyfriend was dating he's friend through a wedding invitation that she received from a close friend of the three of them. So just take it easy with this. Give yourself some time and space, block them out for now until you are able to recover then you can start thinking of if you want to tell them what you know or not.
         As for the business of telling them or not, I know you might want to play it safe and just keep everything to yourself and let it pass. Or just watch them tell more lies to your face. But all that isn't going to help your healing process. If anything it is only going to keep reminding you of what had happened. I think it's best to let them know what you saw and have them know that you have gotten over it. That was everything would be out in the open and it would be easier for you to move on. Believe me let it all out of your chest at once and dealing with the pain equally at once would help you a lot. Don't come onto them shouting or accusing them of anything, just treat it like it was nothing and be simple and short about it when you state it.
        But if you do decide that the best thing to do is to leave it and not tell them, if you feel that you can handle the pain that it will bring by watching them sneak around when you know everything they are doing then I understand that also. Certain people find it preferable to deal with their issues like this. But I still strongly advice you against this. I believe you would only be causing yourself more pain and hurt.
       
The best thing is just to look for the lesson in this and take away from it. Also you need to reflect on the relationship and know how you went wrong. Try to curb that temper and learn to be more calm. There are lots of ways to help anger management and you might benefit from looking them up. But if you need me to I would do a post on it. Just let me know. Try to find the proof of something before reacting and try to control your reaction. Sometimes anger causes us to cause more damage, it never helps fix things.

Just take it easy and take some time to be by yourself.

                                                                                                                                                       Ralph