Dear Ralph: Guy problems

Good day Mr Ralph,
           Please I really need your advice because i'm confused about the next step to take in my relationship. I met a guy on a social network and we started talking,chatting and all that. Then he opened up to me that he wants a relationship with me, at first I neglected it because I felt he had someone but he told me that they broke up for long and I accepted. So we started a relationship together, he is a very nice and caring guy, jovial, always makes me happy, so simple and humble, I do visit him and his friends like me being with him. Things were moving on very well with us and I started loving this guy so deeply. After 3 months everything changed, he reduced calling and chatting like before. I mostly do the checking up on him asking him what's happening that he has changed, he kept telling me that it was nothing.
I even professed my love for him and told him how much I cared about him but still nothing changed. After all efforts I made to make the relationship move forward he was not encouraging or helping things at all. So I stopped calling or chatting with him, although it wasn't from my mind. I just had to keep my pride so it doesn't look like am forcing my self on him.
      After two months he called me telling me that he missed me, that he acted the way he did because he's ex came back to him begging and that they both had suffered together when he had nothing, he said that was why he accepted her back and distanced me. And now that she has left again he now wants me back. He said I have been a nice and good babe to him, just that he didn't know how to tell me then because I would have felt bad seeing that I was so deep in love with him. He apologized and told me how much he loved me, even he's friend confirmed it that he truly loved me. I forgave him and we continued but it wasn't like before. Even to see him is a problem, he is always forming too busy and we only see once in a month. The present one took about 3 months before I could see him again.        
       It has been up to 8 months now since we got into this relationship and he has not for once said something about if the relationship is leading somewhere or not. He has not said anything positive since I knew him about the relationship. He is the only one I am going out with and since I met him I have not cheated on him, I truly love this guy but I don't know his mind. I have asked him like twice what he's plans for us are but he has still said nothing. There are other people asking me out that want to marry me and all they want is for me to give them a chance. But I find it hard to date someone else apart from this guy. He is the only one I truly love and I find it hard to forget him despite the face that he is not giving me any encouragement in the relationship. Please what do I do. I want to try and forget about him and move on. I want to give someone else a chance.There is this guy around my neighborhood that is seriously disturbing me for a relationship. He is caring and humble and has the fear of God. I told him I can't have anything serious with him because we are in the same neighborhood and he agree to move out if I can give him a chance. Now he just paid for a new apartment far away from our location telling me how serious he is. Please I need your advice.



                                                                                                                                                      Derah







Dear Derah,
        First of all you need to make sure that he is no longer interested in he's ex, the going back and forth is only going to cause you more confusion. He's ex can easily come back anytime and although I understand how easy it might be for someone to fall back to someone he has had more experience with, it still doesn't make it right. So you should first try and make sure that he isn't going to do what he did again. Know if you are still willing to give him another chance to prove himself even if it means you taking some time off from the relationship to think well. Now if he is actually very busy and makes out time to call you still, maybe he's job is very tasking but he still finds a way to talk with you regardless and the problem is just that it isn't enough for you. I would ask you to just take it easy and give it some time for now. You can let him know your feeling about the lack of attention but just give it a little while. Let him know you appreciate the effort he is putting in so far and it would encourage him to do more. But if he just doesn't feel the urge to keep in touch with you anymore or see you then you might want to discuss that with him. If he is very busy then you might want to consider being the one that makes the trips to see him. I know it might look desperate but with the right attitude he would know that it is strictly because you care for him and if he is a reasonable person he would appreciate your efforts. So you both should put in effort and know how to work around seeing each other. Generally it is never easy starting afresh after a break up not to talk of the awkward way you guys split. I am not saying it isn't possible, I am just saying you guys would need to put in extra effort and you have to tell him this so that he is aware that it would require extra energy from both him and you.
        Now dating a person for 8 months is really a short time to start talking to the person about marriage. You might just end up pushing the person away or if you succeed in pressuring the person, it would ruin things in the future. Also it might contribute to some of the other problems you both are facing in the relationship without you knowing. You do not want to seem desperate for marriage so just give it a little time still. Get to know him more and make sure that you have taken care of other problems in the relationship before thinking about getting married. Remember that there is no point starting a family that you wouldn't be happy in. Instead of doing that  concentrate on developing a stronger bond and getting to know him more, he's behavior and he's character. Know if you can handle him no matter what the problems you both my face, it will help prepare you for a marriage condition. Concentrate on building a friendship with him.
       It is understandable that there are other people looking for your hand in marriage but you do not want to rush into anything believe me. I think you should try and fix what you have for now and only when you have tried your best to fix it and it doesn't work should you then start thinking about considering another person. Everybody has their own issues and you wouldn't know what the problem of what the next person might be. He might be better yes, but then again he might be worst. And no matter who you are with, there would always be someone with a better surface attribute that will show up and make you feel like what you have isn't enough. But then as I said, those are just surface attributes and you should wait and spend more time knowing someone before deciding on the person. But if at the end you still decide that what would be best for you would be to leave the relationship and go with this new person that is showing signs then make sure that you end one relationship first before moving on. Then get to know this new person first before making any decision. Yes, there are people that only knew themselves a short while and got married and are still very much in love but it rarely happens. So I suggest you think about the risks involved before making your decision.

Take your time dear and don't rush anything, make having a happy home your priority and put into consideration everything I have told you. You will be fine


                                                                                                                                                       Ralph