Dear Ralph: I'm dissapointed in my husband

Hello Mr Ralph,
       I need your help here, I got married July this year and I am heavily pregnant but my husband does not give me any food, money or even gifts. We work in the same company and that was where I met him. I just found out that he lied to me about where he stays. You see he is living on a friends property, he has no household property of he's own. Is this fair? Once I deliver my baby I plan on leaving him. I cannot continue this way. This whole thing has killed my urge for him in the bedroom. I feel irritated each time he tries to come close to me.
 I met him April last year and we were like good friends and all, then this year February he proposed to me and I agreed. He has money on him because he has been working for 3 years. I only joined the the company recently. He has money but he is just stingy and wicked. He never opened up to me that he has nothing it was he's mum and siblings that told me everything. They say that it's the way he is but that they thought he will change when he gets married. The only reason I see now for him marrying me is because I am a working class woman. I told him my plans that by January if nothing changes I will leave him. And he promised everything would be fine. His friend left the house for him and traveled to P.H. He just came on Sunday to move his things. That was when I knew what was even happening.
   
What of the hospital bills for when I deliver? If my company wasn't covering things like that what would he have done?  I really need advice because I don't see myself continuing like this.

                                                                                             
                                                                                                                                               Anonymous












Dear Anonymous,
           I understand how frustrating this type of situation can be, but I need you to open you mind and try and listen to the advice I have to give.
         First of all I think you should start off by asking him how he plans on taking care of he's future family. If he realizes that running a family is very costly and requires a lot. He needs to be more responsible if this is going to work. He might have gotten away with he's friend leaving he's house for him for now but you would never know what could happen tomorrow. He should pay for a house because he's friend could come back anytime. And even if he's friend doesn't come back, the rent to the house will expire eventually. So he needs to start thinking ahead. Let him know your intentions of leaving after child birth and see the way he would react to it. Let us leave the gifts aside for now and think of the basic needs like food. He would have to change he's attitude and provide for he's family so that is something else you would have to bring up with him when you have your talk. Also I would always advice you to PLEASE! maintain a calm attitude when speaking, do not raise any tension in order to get the best result from your discussion.
      If you say your part and you have successfully gotten your message across, then the next thing I would advice you is to have some patience with him. Just carry on about the house like nothing ever happened. It's fine to bring up the issues once in a while just to make sure that he is actually making plans or if he is still not looking like he is ready. You know just to know where you are standing and not to be caught off guard again. Just act like the wife you are meant to be and do your duties as a wife. Don't put up a rude attitude from now on and don't give him the classic "you better behave or else.." attitude. If not you might ruin things even further. At least he has already promised you that he would put in more effort from now so all you can do is hope for the best tomorrow and wait it out until then. He might not have any plans today but you can still help him become a better man than he is today. Help and build him up, show him how he is meant to do things. He probably never realized that this is the way having a family would be. Believe me there are lots of men out there that I have spoken with on issues concerning their family that never realized that being a bachelor is far different from being married. So patience is what I beg of you. Show him how to be a better man if he would listen to you. And the best way of doing that is not by threatening him or being hostile, it's by pulling him closer and knowing how to reach to him. Plus again patience...a lot of patience.
       But I would also advice you to be prepared for tomorrow. If he doesn't meet up to your expectations and you finally decide to leave him. Would you be able to take care of the baby on your own? Do you make enough to run a family alone? Do you have family or people that you can trust to help you out when the time comes and you are in need of extra assistance? Just take these things into consideration before making any decision. But for now just put your baby as your number one priority. You cannot afford to be this stressed during pregnancy. Please look for a way to get your mind off things, it is good that you have vented by talking to me. You also need to talk to friends, not necessarily about the problem but just to get your mind off things. Concentrate on being healthy and happy for the sake of your baby. Allow time to tell what would happen in the future, make necessary preparations and leave the rest. Everything would play out well at end.

 Be strong for us all!

                                                                                                                                               
                                                                                                                                                        Ralph