Dear Ralph: I can't stop loving him

Hi Raphael  

            Please my epistle may be long so pardon me. I'm in a point in my life where i'm confused and hate the fact that I fell in love for the first time in my life. This isn't my first relationship but I have never had this much feelings for any guy until I met this guy in my year 3 in school. I was just out of a relationship but this guy was my friend and he was supportive, one thing led to another and we started dating. He is Igbo and I'm Yoruba. Our relationship was the reason for envy for most people. It wasn't just about the love we shared but the friendship, we were so close. We played like kids and told each other everything. After school we went to serve but were posted to different states. He called me one day while in camp and said he wanted to breakup because he wasn't ready to  settle down and he knows that's what would be next on my list.

I cried like never before and I begged him and told him I wasn't ready for marriage too. We made up and continued the relationship. While serving, we managed to see each other when we could and around May, I became pregnant for him but he got angry and I was disappointed. I told him I wanted to abort the pregnancy and he gave me the money so I did it. I was alone and very sad but my brother encouraged me. Some days after, he called me and broke up with me again, that was the toughest period of my life. I cried until there was no more tear left but that still didn't stop me from loving him. I begged him and even went to where he was serving. We made love and made up again. I told my mum about him but my mum said I can't marry an Igbo guy. It became a big issue to the extent that my mum called him and insulted him.  Threatening him to leave me alone then he called me again and broke up with me. Still I begged and begged but he said he can't marry me that my mum already made it clear. We decided to be friends after much begging from me. Somehow we became friends with benefits. But I still Love this guy like crazy. He is the most caring guy I have me,, filled with so much wisdom and when he talks you just want to listen. He never looks down on anyone and he is very honest. In short I love him beyond words and I know he loves me too but not as much as before. The issue now is, he throws it in my face sometimes that we are just friends and there's nothing attached. Sometimes when we have issues, he won't call me for days and when I call him he won't pick and it hurts like hell. I stay by the phone and wait for him phone calls. Sometimes he tells me he isn't obligated to pick my calls. I know I'm selling myself short but I can't imagine myself with someone else. I love him so much and all he is doing isn't making me love him any less. I don't know what to do. I want my life back, I want to move on but I can't. Please help me. I can't even let another person get close to me because I have set him as the only standard.

                                                                                                                                               Laura

Dear Laura,
           First things firs you have to know where you are with your man. You have two choices I can think of and I would highlight them for you so you can meditate and make you choice form there. As you know, it is your will and determination that would help you out and through this situation but don't worry, be strong. You can do it.
         
         If you choose to stay with him then you have to be prepared for the worst thing that could happen. Not that he is a bad person but so that you would know if you can handle things at the worst. It is possible that you would not end up getting married to him. If you both still wanted to get married to each other regardless of what you mum say it is very possible but it is quit different in this situation when he is showing no sign of interest in the union or relationship anymore. You could end up just staying with him an an assumed lover without actually being anything meaningful or real to him and then you would keep suffering what you are going through right not. It is possible he ends up married to who he want to and you still won't be able to move on from him and so you end up losing him and also losing a chance at having another man at the same time. He could end up marrying another person and you would end up as he's mistress that's if you still chose to be friends with benefit to him. By staying there you are seriously declining your self worth as a person and stating without knowing it that it is okay to be treated the way you are being treated. Forget all the love you feel for him for now and think about the future. Is this the way you would like things to be? Can you handle if if he doesn't change? Remember once again that there is no guarantee that he would change because your story really sound like he is looking for a way out of the relationship. Now if you end up marrying him it is also very possible that things would still remain the same as they are now. He has also clearly stated that you both are just being friends with benefits so imagine what would happen now that you both clearly aren't dating and you get pregnant. Chances are you would go through another abortion and he would get angry again that you got pregnant.
       Now don't get me wrong, it is possible that he ends up changing and becoming a better person but I like to pain the worst case scenario for you to see and know if you can handle it. If you can't handle it then you would know better what next step to take.

     If you choose to leave him, it is going to hurt and you are going to feel bad. You might feel you aren't going to ever get over him and it is also possible you won't if you do not put in enough effort to. But then Time has been tested and it has proven to heal all wounds. You would have to do a lot to get over him and if you do not find anybody else to be with tomorrow it is going to hurt even more. But then again there is a possibility that  that you would find someone that would make you forget about him totally, someone that would show you more love and respect. The person would posses very many features that you would grow to love. It is possible that it would still be a person from another tribe yes, but then you would feel much if the person is willing to stand by your side when the time comes even if your mum refuses, right? You would start afresh to build another relationship and get used to a totally whole new different person and I know you might feel it impossible to forget your man now. But as I said before, TIME would play a major role in helping you out with that.

I personally believe that you shouldn't allow yourself to be treated this way. You need to discover your self worth again and know that you deserve to be treated like a lady. It doesn't mean you should look at him as a bad person, not at all. I just think you deserve to go where you would be accepted and loved fully Remember that you might not be ready for marriage today but that doesn't mean that being around him and being the way you are with him right now would make him be ready for you. He has already stated that he wants out of the relationship. Why not give yourself some time away from him to know and find yourself again. I really think you do need the time out, that is the only thing that would help you get over him. Forget about dating for now , take some time and be with yourself so as to scrub away the attachment you have on him. Then after that you can take a chance on another relationship. You are going to pull through this, you will be fine. Make a decision today and think more about yourself for now.

At the end of the day, the choice would still always remain yours. I can only be here for you and highlight more on the different choice you can make. But it's up to you to make the decisions. I really hope you decide on the right one. Best of luck Laura, I would be here anytime you still need me. And welcome to ask Ralph family... Feel free to take any refreshments.



                                                                                                                                                      Ralph