Dear Ralph: He promised to change

The famous DEAR RALPH section of AskRalph blog is dedicated to real people with real life struggles. Click the link to 'read more'. Feel free to contact me by using the email form you will see when you CLICK THIS LINK  or writing directly to my emails raphaelsblogg@gmail.com or askralphblog@gmail.com if you have an issues you want me to discuss. I would also want to encourage everyone that reads to drop their comments and inputs on the issue. Feel free to object or support any advice I give and drop your own thoughts. It's all in the best interest of the poster and the AskRalph family as a whole. So lend your advice and support through the comments section. It'll be really helpful. This is one of the main reasons I opened this blog. If you are reading this then I look forward to your participation. Ralph does not....I repeat DOES NOT have all the answers so your opinion counts a lot.... Alright let's do this!





Dear Ralph,
        How are you this evening? I just discovered your blog so I hope you will be able to help me out with one or two words of wisdom. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and we have been married for 2 years and a couple of months now. God has blessed us with a child and we are very grateful. Things have been very good between the both of us. I love him so much and he loves me back the way I want to be loved. The only issue we have is his job. I knew that he was a 'yahoo boy' before we got married, I admit to that. The problem is that I always advised him against it. He promised that once we get married that he will change but he still hasn't been able to change. I also agree that he tried because at a point for like 3 months he stopped and was looking for a job but when he got tired he simply went back to yahoo and continued it. Right now I am not seeing any signs of change with him. I don't want to seem like a nag because we have spoken about this before but I also don't like what he is doing. Yes we both flexed and had our fun back in the university when we were still young with all the money but things have changed. I just feel that it's time to grow up and move on from bad things like this. I guess I am more scared now because we have kids and I don't want them to turn out bad. I want a good role model for our son and any other kids we might have in the future. With this his present job, I don't see any way he would teach the kids anything that is good. Please help me, what do I say. How do I confront him, how do I make him see that he is going down the wrong path. I really want to save my kids. I love him but I will pack my bags and leave if he continues like this.

Laura













Dear Laura,
          I totally understand what you are saying and how you must be feeling. It's all for his safety and for that of the rest of the family. If he is taken away by the police tomorrow then you will all be stuck especially if you have nothing doing right now. So I believe you should still talk to him and when you speak to him, bring this up as a point. Let him understand more of your fears and the implication of his present job. He needs to understand that it's not just about you, that the kids are involved now and that his decisions might affect even them. Let him know that if they grow up to turn to the same kind of business then he might not be so happy and he might just have himself to blame. So he should try and change things right now while he can.

There is also another way you can do this. You see one thing about getting easy money is that it almost erases any chances of a person working hard to get the same money. If they see an easier way that is less stressful then it is hard for them to settle for a job that will stress them and give them smaller pay. So somehow you should just have that in mind as his own reason even if it is not a conscious one from him. As you said, he had tried to stop before so I am guessing that it's the stress of not finding a job or the though of finding one that won't pay as good that affected him and caused him to go back. So here is what I think you should do, if he has any savings then get him to use that and help him open up a business. A good business that is going to bring in a reasonable amount of money for the family. So you know what that means right? You both will have to discuss business ideas and then you will suggest this idea to him. If you also have some savings of your own then help him out if he hasn't saved up enough. If you already know the kind of business that he might like that will bring in some good money for him then depending on how much you have, you can go ahead and do the project on your own. Hand it over to him then have him balance you the money IF YOU WISH to be balanced. I know you said you didn't want to seem like a nag but it's all about your manner of approach. Do not bring it up when there is a quarrel, instead bring it up randomly and do not be too pushy about it. Allow him to speak and air his views on the issue.Generally it should be a discussion from both sides and not a talk from one person. I believe that this is one way that you can tackle this effectively.

Finally I want to beg for your patience with him. I understand your fear for your children but don't let his bad decisions chase you away when they can be fixed. He actually needs your help and support right now even if it doesn't look like it. He needs you to remind him of the things that are morally right and that he has responsibilities. I would advice that you mention this your decision to him also. Tell him that his job is pushing you to leave with the kids but make sure you aren't saying it to him as threat. Do not let anger or fear push you to address him in a manner that might ruin things for the both of you. Just try to stay calm and pass your message across to him the way he can understand. I strongly believe that he can come out of this, now all that is left is for you is to believe that he can and for him to believe it also. Show him that you believe in him and you might just awaken the thing in him that will help him out of this. Trust me on this, you need to show him you believe in him and that he can come out of this.

I hope things work out for the both of you. As I said, I strongly believe that it will. You both should just sit down and work as a couple on this. Face reality and tell yourselves the truth about the implications of this then make conscious efforts to get yourselves out of this. Try to work as a team and do what is best for the both of you and the kids. Everything will be fine.

Oh and yeah....welcome to the family Laura.


Ralph