Dear Ralph: Christmas is not a good time in my family

Dear Ralph,

         Christmas is drawing closer and as usual I am beginning to get very restless. My lovely wife,this woman that I love very much doesn't like Christmas because of something that happened to her, while me on the other hand have always enjoyed the holiday season because of the way I was brought up. For the 6 years that we have been together, Christmas brings her spirit down and it affects the whole family. My kids do not know the joys of Christmas because of this. You see it happened 3 years before we got married.
They(my wife and her family) always spent the 25th in their village but because of the rush that is always on the road on the 24th, they wait till the next day before they travel. Meaning that they travel on Christmas day. The faithful morning when it happened, they had gotten ready and loaded up their belonging into their car. Her dad was behind the wheel and her mum was on the passengers side. Behind was she and 3 of her siblings making them 4 behind. They took off and everything was going fine until according to her she said the next thing she heard was the loud sound of a trucks horn and she saw a truck forcefully swerve in ahead of them. The force that the truck used to swerve detached the head from the rest of the truck and the big side that was carrying goods swung towards them. It hit them hard and she said she lost consciousness. Only for her to wake up to people trying to pull her out of the car. She lost her parents and two of her siblings that day. Only she and her elder sister survived it. Ever since then, the memory haunts her once it is getting close to the 25th and only gets worse on that day. She doesn't eat and she keeps to herself through out the day. This is really affecting us and I do not want this to keep happening, I want my kids to enjoy Christmas and I want my wife to be okay again. She deserves to be happy and enjoy this season but I do not know what to do. I give her the space she needs during this season and allow her to be by herself with the fear of causing more damage. I don't know how to handle this and I have been enduring this for 6 whole years now, please help me out here, what do I do?

                                                                                                                                              Anonymous











Dear Anonymous,
         I am deeply sorry to hear about what your family is going through, especially this season that is meant to be for joy and laughter. You are really strong so I would ask you to just hang in there because you would really need patience to see this through.

I thin you should try and talk to her,have her dedicate something to them every 25th. If it means, she writing something down and reading it out in dedication to them. Just a way for her to let the pain out. The pain is inside her and she is bottling it up a lot, it is good for her to express herself, especially to you. The kids don't have to be involved in this if you do not want them to. She really needs to let out all the pain and hurt that she is holding inside. It would really help her a lot. If possible you could join her in the exercise also, I think she would really appreciate it. This is a means for her to vent.

Sometimes you might just need to drag her into the fun without her permission. You need to be around her and make her forget the pains of the pas. She needs something to distract her, something fun. So if possible, involve her in a carol presentation or something else, just any activity going on this period. If possible you can organize something by yourself. Or if she doesn't want to sing or participate then take her somewhere to at least watch people doing there own. It isn't good for her to be by herself in situations like this, you might think that it is good giving her all that space but it isn't, it's been 6 years and no improvement yet. She needs something else in her mind. Hopefully she would be able to catch enough fun that would distract her from the pain she is feeling.

Talk to her and let her know that if her folks where looking at her right now, that what they would want would be for her to carry on and have her fun. For her to live her life to the fullest. It doesn't mean she has to forget them because that is totally impossible. But at least let her know that it is okay to be fine, to not hold on too much to this and put her life on hold. Let her know that her kids need their mum if they are to learn what Christmas is all about and that in her current state that they wouldn't be able to enjoy the season like normal kids.

Most of all, let her know that you would always be there for her. Reassure her that everything is going to be okay and that you would be there for her through the journey for as long as it takes. Let her know that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make sure the family is okay.

As I said you would need some serious patience. If she isn't responding well or as fast as you want, you are bound to get frustrated, it is normal. But please do not take it out on her or show her any signs of frustration. You would ruin everything you have worked for. Instead when it looks like it is impossible, look back at the first Christmas that you both had together and compare it with the last one. If things have gotten better then well, you have your reason to keep trying hard for your family. Be strong my friend.

                                                                                                                                                     Ralph