AskRalph: Dear Ralph: Mum dislikes her cos she can't cook

Monday 20 April 2015

Dear Ralph: Mum dislikes her cos she can't cook

The famous DEAR RALPH section of AskRalph blog is dedicated to real people with real life struggles. Click the link to 'read more'. Feel free to contact me by using the email form you will see when you CLICK THIS LINK or writing directly to my emails raphaelsblogg@gmail.com or askralphblog@gmail.com if you have an issues you want me to discuss. I would also want to encourage everyone that reads to drop their comments and inputs on the issue. Feel free to object or support any advice I give and drop your own thoughts. It's all in the best interest of the poster and the AskRalph family as a whole. So lend your advice and support through the comments section. It'll be really helpful. This is on of the main reasons I opened this blog. If you are reading this then I look forward to your participation. Ralph does not....I repeat DOES NOT have all the answers so your opinion counts a lot.... Alright let's do this!

Dear Ralph,
I am in trouble please. I have been dating my fiance for 4 years and we got engaged on valentines day this year. I am 31 and she is 25, we love each other so much and really want to be together. The issue is that I introduced her to my mum after she said yes to my proposal and everything was fine initially. Last 2 weeks she came to my house and my sister was cooking so she decided to be a 'good wife' and help out in the kitchen. The problem is that she isn't very good at cooking and she knows it. She went to join my sister and was asking questions on how to prepare our native soup when my mum walked in. My mum came in and I really don't know how she and my sister ended up convincing my fiance to make bitter leaf soup for the house. She politely told them that she didn't know how to prepare it and my mum started acting up. When she went home my mum called me and started insulting her, she said that I won't marry her and that she doesn't want me to starve. I have tried my best to talk to my mum but my mum won't agree. My fiance is a very lovely and quiet girl, she tries her best to learn and it's just because of her upbringing that she didn't learn certain things like cooking. It's not that she wouldn't mind learning. I don't know how to convince my mum that she should allow us to get married. If my mum mentions this to my dad and convinces him to side her then the wedding will not hold. I really can't believe that so much problem could come out of a pot of soup. Please help Ralph. What do I say to my mum.

Patrick

Dear Patrick,
I am sorry to hear of the issues you are facing but be rest assured that there is a way to deal with this, everything is going to be okay.

Your fiance sounds like a really calm lady so I think this is going to work out for you. I think you should speak to your fiance and first of all make sure that she is okay and that she isn't startled by what your mum is doing. That is if you have told her of the decision your mum has taken. Make sure that she isn't scared and isn't being pushed away from you without your knowledge. If she is willing then try to look for a way to teach her how to cook. It could be through your sister if she is understanding enough or by you putting her through a cooking school.4
Even if not for your mum, I personally think it's a good skill for her to acquire and she would enjoy knowing that she is good at something new. This would also help with savings in the future because you can never know what might happen tomorrow and cause financial instability. I personally believe that cooking at home would help you guys out if there is more financial stress on your future family. Plus I don't know about you but there is this refreshing feeling that eating a home made meal gives that the best restaurant and fast food shop can't provide. This could actually build your love.
Most importantly do not make your fiance feel you want her to start cooking better because of what your mum said, you should show her the other benefits of being good in the kitchen. Show her that you are satisfied with her and lover her the way she is. Let her learn from her heart and for her own reasons. Allow her to actually want to cook for you and not see it as a criteria for marriage. If your mum happens to be among one of those reasons she might want to learn then all fine and good as long as it's in a positive way.

Secondly I feel you should speak to your mum. The thing about speaking to parents is that they want to know that you are listening to them and that you are understanding the message they are passing across to you before they will be willing to listen to you at all. So this what you can do. Don't just go ahead and start fighting for your wife and defending her immediately in front of you mum. You should first ask your mum the importance of your wife learning how to cook and let her tell you her reasons that are beyond the usual, she not wanting you to starve. I know you might know the benefits but just ask your mum. The goal is to create a comfortable environment for your mum so she can listen to you talk. Listen to her and pick up the points you can and actually understand why she is holding you back. When you are done with that then next you should explain to her why you have chosen to marry your fiance. If you and your fiance have decided on she learning how to cook then I feel you should also tell your mum about that. Let her know that your girl is willing to learn and that you both have been working on it. She should know that it is your life and that you can't leave your woman but that at the same time you don't want her to dislike her.

Your mum might be a little on the tough side right now but I guess she has her reasons. Once you all are able to sort through this, I believe your mum would welcome your fiance well. Do not allow your wife to feel hurt cos of what your mum might be doing. Instead try to always push for unity through it all, show your wife the good sides of your mum and share your mums view with your wife. It's only a matter of time before they both get back on good terms. Believe me, these things happen so don't let it get to you. Everything will be fine.

Take care and let me know how things go from here on. I wish you and your fiance a happy life. Fight through this trial and come out a stronger couple. Welcome to the family.

Ralph

Labels: Dear Ralph, life, Relationship

9 Comments:

At 20 April 2015 at 16:40 , haaj said...: I understand where your mum is coming from. For a typical African family, the culture requires a lady to be a good cook, a fact most parents deem necessary. Your fiance should just take it as one culture she needs to fulfil, nothing personal about it. She should learn a couple decent meals then surprise your mum. This is one of those cases where action speaks louder than words. A nice meal prepared by your fiance for your mum should help pacify her.
At 20 April 2015 at 16:52 , esit said...: I don't know her upbringing so perhaps she grew up in a non Nigerian household in which foreign meals where taught and cooked? I don't want to believe she doesn't know how to cook jack. Every human being owes it to themself to at least know how to cook basic stuff, be you man or woman. You sound like you don't seem bothered by her culinary skills so perhaps let your mother be aware of that as you're not exactly marrying your mom now are you? You've dated for 4 years, in those 4 years you didn't exactly starve, let your mom know that. I don't know how to cook egusi soup because our family hates it and so my mom never taught me. Now if my future man likes egusi, I'd gladly learn or if he can't fathom the fact that I don't know how to cook it, he might as well keep it moving. It's never that serious. Most importantly talk to your gf about the kinds of food you like and pleade with her to learn. You can also beg your sister to teach her. Cooking is not rocket science so I promise you she will learn. You can even learn with her as well. It's never that deep.
At 20 April 2015 at 17:05 , Thelma's cake world said...: More wisdom mr ralph!!!
Dear poster,stay calm,take a deep breathe and approach your mum,calmiy tell her not to blow this issue beyond control,listen to her as she talks and likewise pour out your feelings to her,tell her to take ur finacee as her daughter and teach her the needful in a loving way,,..as for your fiancee,you can enroll her into a catering school where she would learn how to make all types of dishes,let her know uve got her back in all that's happening,your happines is what matters most at the end of the day...peace!!!
At 20 April 2015 at 18:02 , Unknown said...: Darko Mr Ralph well spoken,instead of our girls to humble them self in there home an learn how to cook the rather learn how to make up there funny face because the took cooking as ordinary unimportant thing?without knowing fully well that it can sent a woman out of her matrimonia home.
At 20 April 2015 at 18:09 , Unknown said...: Darko Mr Ralph well spoken,when you marry those kind of liability as a wife you end up in a fast food or hotel?our beautiful girls of today make out time to learn how to make up there funny face.
Than cooking well for there husband alot of home has being on fire because of this well sha,my dude my take your girl to a place were she we be taught how to cook because your mother we test er one day.
At 20 April 2015 at 18:21 , Omogbolahan said...: First things first, the lady needs to b taught how to cook after which u'll go to ur mum and make her understand that the girl is a good girls, there are a lot of girls who can cook out there but they are whores + u're 31, u can't just throw away a relationship of 4yrs, make ur mum know how hard it is to start afresh, make her understand that u're old enough to make decisions for yourself...Goodluck!
At 20 April 2015 at 18:39 , Amaka Hundeyin said...: I don't know if you're from the same place, if you're not and she's making efforts to learn your native soup, then that's great.
Talk to your mum to be sure asides cooking, there's no other issues.
At 20 April 2015 at 23:33 , Unknown said...: I dont blame the mammy any way because when you as a guy got married.you also marry her for your mum dad and sibling because if any thing happen if you are not there they we be there for you.so the are the first people that we speak good or bad about her that was my NO1 reason of advising girls that say whether the mother or father of the man like it or not the must marry my dear you are a dreamin unless you want to die before your time.so my friend first go and beg your mammy is obvious she is doing it for you but you dont cry more than the bereave so i pray for her to understand,and go to the girl family and tell the mum what is on ground any way she we render help she has to do because from the look of things the girl we be a good wife to you specifically from the look of thing.just take it after the other because your health is another important thing.
At 21 April 2015 at 11:33 , Eniwealth said...: Hmm, I really don't know what to say. As I have been in the lady's shoes at some point in my life, though not exactly but it was a particular native soup too. My supposed mother -in - law to be simply showed me how to prepare the soup that day and joked about sending us a pot every time her son craved for it in future. That made me feel even more at home and reassured me of her love. So, I'm just here thinking that there's more to your mum's stance. She probably has other reasons.
I'll suggest you teach her if you can and find a way to prove that she has learned how to cook to your mum. Hopefully, your mum won't come up with another excuse afterwards. Good luck

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Monday 20 April 2015

Dear Ralph: Mum dislikes her cos she can't cook

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