Dear Ralph: How do I choose

Dear Ralph,
      We have a family friend who one of their sons, I have been close to since we were teenagers. Though he is a bit older than I am, but since then till now we have shared a special feeling, although of late he started talking about getting married to me and all that. He said he wanted me but my parent were against it because of d age difference, he is 12 years older than me. He never told me his parent would b against it. But something happened, he stays in Lagos but his parent stays here in Owerri, he came to Owerri on the 18th of this month, telling me he was going to spend the whole of December with me before going back. To my surprise I went over to his house on the 23rd only to be told by his father  that he had gone back with the first flight that morning.
From then till now I have been trying to reach him but he has not bin picking my calls or even returned them. I have sent countless messages but yet no response. Another thing is that I am in a relationship presently which is only 5 months old and he knows but he said he was ready to fight for what belongs to him and although I love the person I am with now, but not as much as I love him. I am ready to give up everything for this present person but my only fear is his family, he and his father are not in good terms for years now and he is not ready to tell me anything, he only mentioned some surface issues to me. Do you feel I am in good hands because I don't know what the problem is between him and his father. I have tried talking to him but he keeps telling me that it is complicated. I really do not know what to do, if to go on with the relationship or back out while it's still early. Do you think the issues with his father might spring up later? Some weeks ago, he shouted at me because he was frustrated about things but later apologized. He later explained to me that it was because he was going through some things with his father. Please help with a good advice.


                                                                                                                                           Adaobi Mma












Dear Adaobi,
        I think since you are ready to continue with this second person, you should just carry on with him and try to remove your mind from the family friend. There are different reasons to why he might no be picking your call. Since he knows that you are already in a relationship and you are not showing him signs of leaving your man, he might have given up. Although I also feel it was kind of strange the way he left without saying anything to you. If possible I think you should try and ask his parents at least to be sure that he is safe. Because it could be that there might be trouble somewhere and that is why he hasn't been able to pick your calls or get back to you. But I really hope that nothing bad has happened. So just please find out to be sure of what actually happened with him. Talk to his parents and know if they have heard from him for some time. If they say he is okay then it is your choice if you still want to carry on further to know why he left the way he is.

As for your present boyfriend. I think you should give him some time to be able to open up about what it is that is happening in his life. It could be a number of things, as you should know by now, every family has their own problems. There might be something that is truly complicated that just drains his energy when he thinks about talking about it. It might not be something that started today and he might also feel it won't be easy for you to understand. So I advice you to be patient and wait for him to get comfortable enough to open up to you. Also be prepared to listen to him with the right attitude when he finally opens up if not there could be further problems between you two. He might start regretting opening up to you if you do not understand or take it the wrong way. So just keep an open mind to a wide range of possibilities and when he speaks, if he does, then offer a good advice for a way to tackle the problems if you have any. He would appreciate it very much and it would help him to open up faster and easier to you next time. And you would also see that by the time he gets comfortable enough to speak to you, he would improve and stop bottling up too much inside. Which means that he would hardly have to raise his voice at you anymore. But if he still continues then you would still have to talk to him.

I don't know if you understand why I am advising you like this. What I am just trying to do is to show you ways to work on the relationship instead of giving up on it. It is just 5 months old and to me, instead of that being a good reason for you to back out, I just believe its a good reason to give it more time. No matter the family you go to, you would see their own issues and like wise every relationship has their own challenges, I believe this is yours. I would like for you to give this a little more time and work with your man to make things better. Let him know that you aren't planning on fleeing at the first sign of trouble. Be strong and patient, the both are very much required in a relationship.

I hope you are able to work this out and I would be here if you need me, the email addresses and bbm contacts stay the same. Take care for now.

                                                                                                                                                      Ralph