Dear Ralph: How do I forgive her?

Dear Raphael,
        I just came across your blog in time because I have something to get off my chest. I like the work you are doing and hope you would be able to help me as much as you have helped others. Without wasting your time further here is the problem.
     I have a girl that I want to get married to. We have always been happy and free with each other. Part of the reason why I loved her so much was because of when I found out that she had only been with 2 other people apart from me and that was a long time ago. I looked at it and said that since I was worse when I was younger, that I had no right to judge her. Frankly it wasn't only because of that, I loved her a lot more than that and I knew her past was already behind her. I didn't want it to interfere with what we had in front of us. I proposed about 6 months ago and recently we have started talking more and more about how we are going to plan our family.
Then one faithful night she called me on the phone and I knew from the tone in her voice that something was wrong. She first asked me how many people she told me she had been with and I told her what she told me and she agreed. She then told me that she had a confession to make, she told me that she had been with a lot more than the number she told me. I cannot call the number because I am even ashamed to admit it. To make it worse, she then told me that she had also had 3 different pregnancy terminations for 2 different people. She started opening up and telling me a lot of things that she never told me. How she actually started being intimate with men about 10 years or more older than her when she was still 14. Typing this right now, I feel very heart broken. It's like everything I knew about her was a lie and I find myself questioning every single thing she tells me now. We now fight and quarrel like we are sworn enemies and it gets worse every single day. I am tired of all this. I know that deep inside me, I still love her very much. I love who I fell in love with and even though I refuse to admit it, the idea of how her intimate life was in the past is part of the reason I loved her more. It's not like I care too much about who she was with and who she wasn't with. I just feel used and betrayed, I feel I never knew she was and it is more about the lies she told me than about how many people she has been with. Please help me out her, I really want to be with her but I don't know how to start to forgive her. I have refused to meet with her for some time now and we only talk on the phone now. I see her few times but I find myself more irritated at her each time. Thanks for your help. I await your reply.


                                                                                                                                                   Daniel











Dear Daniel,
        I understand how you feel and what you mean when you say that it's not the body count that is your problem, that it is the lie you were told. The most important thing right now is that you already know what you want, which is how to forgive her for that. But the problem is that you do not know how to get it.
      Lack of trust is one of the biggest home wreckers that we have in this life. You really need to start building up your trust for each other again and I wouldn't lie to you and tell you that if you take some of the tips I give you it would work like magic. I would have you know that it would require the strength and willingness for the both of you work through this. Your patience would be tested during this and you would feel like you cannot carry on sometimes. But do not worry, just stay strong and keep your mind focused on what you want to do.

First of all I would like you to concentrate on the fact that she at least came out before the wedding to tell you the truth. It would have been far worse for you if she didn't say anything at all or waited till after the wedding to tell you. If she decided to wait till after the wedding to say anything, you could then say by then that maybe she wanted to trap you in. Also she could have just decided not to say anything at all and keep up the image that she had painted, I mean, everything was already in the past and I would take it you people had dated a couple of years. She had every opportunity to just let it die there and forget about it but she didn't. She decided to come clean and I award her points for conscience because of that. Try to consider this point and see that it might have been difficult for her to open up to you but she knew that it was what she had to do.

Secondly, I think you both need to have a good talk about her past. Since you are no more confident about what you know then this is very much needed. You can take some time to reminisce on a couple of things you might have doubted about her in the past and write them down. When you talk with her, bring up every single point you have doubted and more, let her tell you the truth about everything. In other to have her tell you the truth you would have to allow her to be comfortable so she would know that she can talk to you. Let her know that you need to know everything about her before you enter into a marriage with her. Let out everything you feel about the whole situation, the lies, the deceit and the betrayal, just let it all out. Let her know the extent to which she hurt you.

As I said before,you really need a lot of patience and strength for the both of you to work through this. It really wouldn't  be easy but I have faith that you both would be able to work this out. If possible you should discuss with her and consider putting the wedding on a hold for now till you both are sure that you want to go through with it. Get to know her more, that is the only way you would be able to find out if she is someone you would want to be with. Forget about her past and mistakes that she has made for now, concentrate on knowing who she is. Most likely, apart from the image she painted before, everything you have seen might be the real thing. But you would only find out when you talk to her. Best of luck Daniel.

                                                                                                                                                  Ralph