Dear Ralph: My man was jailed

Dear Ralph,
     I really need you to help me out with some advice. I have been dating this guy for two years now. He is really nice and actually we planned on going down the aisle soon till something happened.
I found out that he lied to me about what he does for a living and his academic standard. He didn't finish his studies in the university and he is into drug trafficking. I didn't know this, till last year when he was caught with drugs and was jailed. Even when he was there,he wrote twice to me. He is back to Nigeria now and he has been calling me, asking me to forgive him and accept him. I love him but I don't wanna make a mistake in marrying him. I am a medical doctor and the only daughter. I believe in getting married to someone that is learned.I am really confused.

                                                                                                                                            Vivian . K










Dear Vivian,
     I think first of all you need to schedule to meet with him. Let him narrate everything that happened and the way they did. So at least you understand things from his own angle. Let him tell you why he decided to lie to you. The good thing is that this came out before you both got married so I want you to be grateful about that. It would have been worse if you were already married and maybe even pregnant when it happened.

I believe that since he has served his time and come out, at least the danger of him being put away has passed and only if he decides to go back to it would you be affected again. So to make sure that it doesn't happen again, I think you both should put a hold on the marriage plans for now. At least until he is able to sort himself out and you are able to know who he really is. There might be other things about him that you do not know so I would ask you to take this time and get to know him more, study him and know the kind of person you might be going into a commitment with. But this is only if you still decide to be with him.

It could be that the reason he went into this was because he didn't finish his schooling and found this as an easy way to get ahead in life. But then again it could also be that this was the reason he dropped school in the first place. So I would suggest that you also speak to him about this. Get to understand what truly happened to him and why he decided he couldn't carry on with education anymore. Let him know how you feel about being lied to and that you feel very hurt that he kept up the lie for up to 2 years. I don't know how much about him you know but I would take it that you don't know when he tells a lie so be careful when speaking to him and be careful about what you choose to believe. Let him know that you have lost trust in him and that you do not feel very safe because of the nature of his business. I would have you know now that the trust in your relationship is going to be affected a great deal because of this. Most likely when he speaks you would not believe anything until you have full proof. So if this relationship is going to work between the both of you, you both would have to be willing to work on the trust and be very patient with each other.

When you speak to him and you now know what actually drove him to that line of business. It would then be up to you to decide if you want to stay with him or if you want to leave him. If you decide to stay with him then remember what I said about patience and working on your trust, you would need that very much. But the thing is that you can also help him out. To start from somewhere and build himself. If you aren't the materialistic type then reassure him that he doesn't need to result to illegal businesses to keep you. Help him out to discover something that he can start up as a little job and support him as he grows from there. He might really need your presence and support right now. But it all still depends on what you can handle and if he is even willing to start from scratch. I know this situation is not easy to deal with especially seeing that it came as a surprise and it all happened at once. This is going to be very difficult so it also depends on your determination

Finally, about the education. You can decide to speak to him about returning to school but I doubt he would want to do that. But if he agrees with it then that's just great. If not, I personally do not think you should attach too much to the whole being learned thing. A responsible and learned man that would make a good husband cannot be measured by a certificate. And not everybody that owns a certificate is actually learned and good enough for you. So I think you should focus more on his qualities as a man and as an individual. If you love him and he treats you good but his only problem is a certificate, would you really consider leaving him because of that? So I would urge you to have a rethink about this particular thing. But as I would always say, at the end of the day it remains your choice. You alone know what you can handle so go with what works for you.

I hope you are able to sort this out with time. Just take your time and if you need your distance from him to know what you yourself wants then take the time out. Marriage is not to be rushed so just be very careful about it. Do not make the decision until you are absolutely sure that it is what you want. So whether you are choosing to leave him or stay with him, just take your time to choose.


                                                                                                                                                        Ralph