Dear Ralph: Problem with husband (Update)

An update on the lady that had a problem with her husband. Read the first story in this LINK. Don't worry about the time difference in the two posts. I received and attended to the first one a long time before I posted it.



Dear Ralph

    
     My wife's sister is no longer staying in my house. She went to their elder brother's house and that’s where she’s staying for now. The last time she came to my house was when she came to carry some of her things remaining in my house. My marriage is not getting any better since she left. It’s one problem or the other and the one that pains me more is my husband comparing me to other women. Like one of his brother's wife, the girl is my mate though but the husband stays in Angola so the girl is the one building the house where they stay now. He will tell me if i'm the one that I will eat all the money or send it to my parents that I can’t help him do anything. That ever since I stopped coming to his shop and the sis now stays in there that things have been moving fine, that I bring bad luck to him while the sister brings good luck, that’s why he can’t be providing my needs. He doesn't see anything good in me again. Things has been moving fine in his biz but he is just looking for an excuse not to reach my demands. Like clothes, shoes even my kids clothes and shoes and if I need money to buy what I want. It will take him time to like 5 or 6 months to do it and its not as if am too demanding. But his siblings need money he will send it to them immediately. I told him that every time he buys things for his siblings but that he doesn't buy for me.

By next year I want to start a business but I have asked him to help me with finance so that I can open a shop where I can be selling clothes, he refused and started giving me one excuse or the other.   At times he will say he is living me to stay with him because of the children, that i'm not the type of wife he needs.That I don’t back him up in prayers which I've been trying my best, even doing mid-night prayer but still he’s not yet satisfied with that.

   But I made sure he doesn't buy things for himself again like clothing and other things because he doesn't do mine. I know all his clothes so if he adds new ones to it I will cease it. He also thinks that I want to dominate his life by telling him to put he's wife before everybody. There's no way I've not tried to make him understand some things but he is not changing at all.

                                                                                                                                              Damsel

Dear Damsel,
         I hate saying this but the man is already saying that the reason he is with you is just because of the kids. I don't think it is healthy for a relationship to be based on just the kids. They will grow up and leave one day, by then what will you people do? Sorry to say but you might have to start considering life on your own. He might actually be fed up and doesn't know another way to say it so he is looking for a way to frustrate you out. If you have tried your best to keep things going and it is looking hopeless then it might actually be time to calm down and give this a second thought.
 I wouldn't tell you  to leave your man, that is something you have to weigh and know but I want you to think about your situation very well. I am going to tell you a couple of things you can do but my aim is for you to become a better person for your own good. If it helps out in case you want to remain in the marriage then fine, let that be a bonus. 

      Please I know how unfair things are on you and I am really sorry that you have to go through all this. But don't stoop low because of him. If he decides to buy a cloth for himself alone, let him buy and keep. Leave him and don't seize it, if things get bad and he starts acting violent it would be really bad and dangerous for you. So please just stay out of harms way and don't struggle with him or take any forceful approach. It isn't wise to fight with a man especially one that you depend on totally for financial support. Treat his money like it is for him alone for now. I think you need to talk to your parents and siblings or any other person about funds to start a business. Since he isn't giving you anything and isn't planning on doing it for you anytime soon. I want you to show independence, let him know that you are capable of taking good care of yourself. Most times when men find out that you can get up and work for yourself they begin to miss you depending on them. But if you sit down and do nothing they might see you as a burden. But don't do it for that reason, that is just an added bonus. Do it for the your own good and for the good of your kids. And to be even more mature, if you have tried to talk to him and he isn't listening and you score a job or succeed in opening a business, do not put up an attitude with him. Just take care of yourself and your kids. He would be the one to respond to your independence on his own.

Also you need to stop comparing yourself to his siblings. Once it has to do with your partners family, anything you say against them could backfire on you even if you don't mean it in the way they understand it. And even if your main concern is not the way he treats them but instead the way he treats you, once you mention them he would misread it for you trying to dominate his life and chase all his family people away. So I think that is where that talk of you wanting to dominate his life might be originating from. Next time if you wish to talk with him, just let him know what you need and don't make any comparison at all to his family.


Finally I want to still advice you against going head on against him. Your strength shouldn't be physical, let it be in wisdom. If when you both talk he flares up and starts shouting, take the mature approach and calmly and respectfully tell him that you didn't come to fight with him. That your interest is peace for the family. Let him know that your kids growing up in a broken home is going to affect them so that he needs to point out his problem for you so you both can work on it. I know it is asking you for too much but I need you to try and remain calm. Calmness as I would always tell you is the best way I know and it doesn't mean you are weak, it just means you know the best way to achieve the best results. Take things easy please, don't let this pull you down.


                                                                                                                                               Ralph