Dear Ralph: How do I get her back

Dear Ralph,
      I really don't even know where to start my story from. I have or should I say had a wife with 3 lovely kids. I had a regular job working for a friends fathers company in Ibadan. Not a high paying job but just enough to feed my family and take care of our basic needs. I have forfeited a lot of things when things got hard to make my wife and children happy. There are times when I wouldn't eat and pretend as if I ate outside or that I wasn't hungry or too tired to eat. Just because I wasn't paid on time for that month and I wanted my wife and children to see what to eat the next day. My wife never used to work because she stays at home to take care of the children. I actually talked to her about working and supporting the family but she said she couldn't leave the children alone.
I am not a person to argue so I allowed her do what she wanted and left her alone while trying to see reason with her. This went on for some time and things were really getting bad in the office so I had another talk with her and she still refused. As usual I left her alone, she is really stubborn and I guess my calm nature is what caused it. She was never like this when we first met but I do not want to talk about that one. About two months ago she started becoming more and more insulting, something out of the ordinary. Yes she is usually insulting but it was getting really bad this time. I called and asked her what the problem was and at first she kept saying that she was sorry and that it won't happen again but then the next time she would repeat the same thing. Slowly the insult started involving her talking about how I am not a man and I do not have money. I called her attention and told her how what she is saying is really getting to me but she wouldn't listen. So this went on for some time and on one day she hinted that she was tired of the marriage. After we spoke I waved it off as just one of her usual outbursts. Around last month beginning she called me and told me that she was sleeping with one man, how the man takes care of her needs and wants to marry her. She said I am not enough for her anymore and that she can't keep living with me. I got so angry and lost it for the first time in my married life, I shouted so much at her and told her to leave my house. What got to me was that she felt no remorse, as I screamed at her it was like she was getting the satisfaction she needed. At the end she just smiled and asked me if I had finished shouting, called me a shameless broke man and packed her things and left. You can imagine how confused I must have felt.
     I have lived with this alone as much as I can and when my parents call I still act like we live together. I don't know but I feel really guilty for shouting at her and driving her away. I really loved her and now because I lost my temper she has left with another man. I really do not know what to do. I do not know how to get her back again. Please I really need your advice. Thank you and sorry for the long story

                                                                                                                                               Anonymous














Dear Anonymous,
         You need to realize first of all that if the situation at home is exactly the way you explained it, you are not the person at fault. But since you asked for an advice on how to get her back I would talk on that first before giving my personal opinion.


In this case it is obvious that your wife is frustrated because of the lack of financial stability. So the way to get her back is only by looking for a better job and making more money than you are presently. You would have to look for a way to outdo this new person in whatever it is he is doing for her. You can also decide to have a talk with her and express how much you miss and love her. Tell her how sorry you feel for driving her out and show her that you won't do it again. Let her express her problem to you and tell you what she needs from you. Let her tell you the changes she needs to be made in the house then you weigh by yourself and see if you can keep up. Most likely you would need a lot of patience and be prepared to swallow a whole lot  but if you are that determined to get her back then you can as well just give it a try. It won't be easy though and there is no guarantee that at this point that she would be willing to come back but you can as well just give it a shot.

I would let you know that I strongly advice against using the method I stated above and the only reason I laid it out there for you is because at the end everything still remains your choice. I wouldn't dictate what you should do. So as for my own personal opinion. Why chase after her? Let it go and forget about this whole thing. I know it won't be easy and you are already used to her that's why you feel its all over without her, but it isn't. Life goes on. She is looking for something you do not have now. If the foundation of your marriage is based on money and not love then the marriage is bound to fail. Love would endure through years but money comes and goes. And no matter how rich you get today, there would still be people richer than you so odds are, if you do not loose her to one person today, you would loose her to another tomorrow. You have to concentrate on yourself and your kids for now. If you are still young and find a new person then fine, remarry for love. If not you can just be with the kids. You honestly do not need all the headache that you are going through and she clearly isn't in love with you. You also need to stop blaming yourself for losing your temper, this one is really not on you, if it was I would tell you believe me I do not side anybody. She already wanted out of the marriage, all you did was help her out. This was what she wanted but never knew how to do.


If you still do decide on speaking to her then I really hope that through some miracle her real reason is based on something else. Maybe a character of yours she doesn't like or just something that you might not be noticing. I really hope you think this over very well but I urge you to give yourself some time still to know what you really want. Do not rush and do anything. If you rush and bring her back to the house, there is a possibility that you won't be happy when your mind finally settles and you get yourself. It is also possible she won't stay still. So just think well first before anything.

I would always be here to help talk you through. Please just take things easy for now. Go out and be with friends. Do not wallow in this, do not let this take over you. Get your mind off this and do something new with yourself. Time heals all wounds my friend

                                                                                                                                                     Ralph