Dear Ralph: My husband is never at home

Hello Raphael,
      Please I have an issue, I got married August and it is as if the marriage is already coming to an end. My main issue is that this man never stays at home. He would never come back early from work. He hangs out with his friends and leaves me alone. Yes I give him credit that he doesn't cheat on me but I am a woman and I need attention also. I have shouted as much as I can for him and he would never listen to me. If I finish talking he would apologize and just go and do what he wants to do. He tried once after a big argument we had to stay at home. But he couldn't even keep it up for up to a week. The next week he was back to his usual routine. I am sick and tired of this his behavior. There was an incident that he came back and because of my anger I refused to give him food. He got angry and started telling me that so I starved him in his house.
Why didn't he go out and eat there since he has made bars his home. I am friends with some of his friends partners. These women also complain of the same thing about their husbands. We plan on breaking up their clique so that they can focus more on their marriages. I don't know if this is even the right place to complain because it seems all you men are the same. Anyway I still wanted to try and know what you will say and I won't be surprised if you don't answer or start siding him. Thank you

                                                                                                                                              Divalicious













Dear Divalicious,
          It's quite frustrating feeling lonely in your marriage right? I really understand why you are pissed off but please let me ask you to calm down a little okay? You wouldn't be able to consider my advice if you aren't looking at it with an open heart. So let's do this

As you can see, you have tried it the hard way and it  isn't working for you. I want you to try and do it the soft way. Remember that what you want is peace in your marriage not a way to bondage your man. If you succeed in keeping him home and he isn't happy, you would not enjoy it. Now I am not saying that you are at fault for what is happening and that you aren't making your man happy. I just want you to follow the right approach for this. Try to first of all look at yourself and know if there is something you are doing that keeps him out of the house. Better yet ask him directly so that he tells you, then it would be easier for you both to work on it and start making corrections to different habits you both have. You also have to let out the things you don't like and you both can reach an agreement on how best to balance things out.

One thing that you might want to consider is that looking at how young the marriage is, he still hasn't gotten used to the idea of being married. Although I am not suggesting that when you are married you should put a stop to your outing. I just mean that he might still be used to his regular outing without any restrictions and having to think of someone else. You would have to bring that to his attention and give him some time to adjust. Also at this early stage of marriage most men tend to fear that enclosure. To them it happened all too suddenly and they feel that their social life is going to come to an end so they try to make sure that doesn't happen. A way around this that you could take is trying to go out with him. If he is done from work and wants to hang out then offer to accompany him.

Now denying him a meal was not the best thing you would have done in this situation. It never ends well or in peace when you take that approach. Since he didn't result to going to eat outside and still comes back to you to eat then I think he is actually getting something right. Instead of trying to punish him with something else that he didn't fault in, try and address the area that he wronged you. I am also so glad that you trust him enough to know that he isn't cheating on you.

One other thing I would like to bring up is about when you mentioned that he finally got to stay at home but couldn't continue. The days that he came right back home, how was the tension in the house. Did he feel your presence? Did you both spend quality time together? Did he get to see what he was missing by leaving you alone at home. If you did all this and he still couldn't keep up then I understand your annoyance even more, but I would still ask you to speak to him and tell him how you put in effort to please him and how it played out. But if you didn't put in any effort and maybe concentrated on talking about all the times he never stayed at home or tried to be annoying to him, then I must say it was a bad call on your part. But it's nothing that can't be fixed with the right approach.

Instead of you and his friends partners to plan on how to stop your husbands from being friends. Why not find a way for all of you, both wives and husbands to get closer. You guys can bring a time out once in a while and all hang out together. Better yet here is an idea that I have suggested to someone before. Take turns once in a while for one of the wives to cook and have every other person and partner come over. It would give the guys time together and you ladies wouldn't miss their presence also. Just think about it, it would be really lovely if you could pull that off.

Finally I am going to let you know that there would be times when you would still have to allow him to be with his friends. Caging him in would only cause him to revolt even more. So learn to give him a little space also. You are right to be concerned since he does it in excess but at the same time you don't want to hold him back too much. It's all about balance so just take things easy.


I ask you once again to look at my suggestions with an open heart. Forget that I am a male, I do not know your husband and do not have any reason to side with him. Your happiness and the success of your marriage is my priority. The marriage is young and the beginning of the marriage would always be rocky, but you both would get through this if you are both willing. I hope everything works out for you both.

                                                                                                                                                      Ralph.