Dear Ralph: My mum still hits me

Dear Ralph
         I am 17 and about to enter the university. I grew up in your typical Nigerian home where every little mistake you make is punished severely however your parents see as best. But I believe my case is a little different. Up till now my mum still hits me for anything I do and screams at me any how. All my siblings are far older and married with kids and when I ask them if they went through the same at my age, all they say is that it is for my own good. I don't know how to talk to my mum and have her stop this thing.
It is very embarrassing because she even hits me in front of my friends at times. Some times I even wonder if she is the one that gave birth to me. My dad travels a lot for business and is never really around so I have never been able to tell him what my mum does to me. I want to know first of all, is this normal at my age? Should I still be getting hit? How do I talk to her and explain to her. Because I feel if I talk to her she would hit me even more for speaking up. Please help me, this has really caused me some depression and I am really tired of all this. Thank you


                                                                                                                                                    Loveline









Dear Loveline,
           I think the one thing to do first before talking to her is to actually to try and pay attention to the things she says, if she doesn't like a particular thing that you do then try to stop it. It is one of the best ways to avoid trouble and avoid her shouting at you while showing maturity. So do not let anger overtake your mind and make you loose the lesson she is actually trying to teach you. Concentrate on being better as a person. Stay under her radar for as long as you can.

    If you wish to speak up to her directly then that is also okay and it would show that you have grown, but you have to know how to approach her and be very careful when doing it. You don't want to come off as arrogant because if you do, you risk her hitting you again. Do not express yourself in anger when you speak to her. Express pain and concern for what she is putting you through. Pick your words carefully to pass your message across to her with no misinterpretation. Let her know the side effects of what she is doing to you. Let her know that you are trying to learn but that the way she handles you is affecting you seriously. Let her know of the depression, you really need to open up so she knows. You would be surprised the way she would change when she knows the damage she might be causing you.

She is your mum so don't worry yourself too much, she has your best interest at heart, she just doesn't know any other way to do this most likely. Your siblings probably did pass through the same thing even if they are not saying it. And look at where they are now, all grown and your mum isn't still on their case. At least now you have people to learn from that are older than you so you should try now to put in conscious effort to learn from them how they stopped her from doing the same thing to them. Chances are that she feels that since you are the last, that if she lets you off easy she would regret it in the future. She maybe thinks that you wold spoil, so she is overdoing it without even knowing.

Finally you are already entering the university so I am guessing you would be away from them for some months. Just try and endure for now, do what you have to do and leave for school. You would be away for some time. Every thing depends on the way you return. Next time you come in show them how much more mature you have gotten and how much more experience you have gained. But don't do it as a show-off because at this level they have experienced most of the things you have and trying to overdo it would only be counter effective. Let the way you handle things speak for you, let it  show them that you aren't a kid anymore.

Just take it easy for now okay? You are going to be absolutely fine. As I said before, concentrate on constant growth as a person. Everything would fall in place.

                                                                                                                                                  Ralph