Dear Ralph: How do I get my wife back?

Hi Raphael,

I got married to a beautiful lady, and we have four children (3 girls and a boy) . I love them so much.  I work hard to make sure they lack nothing.  From little and humble beginnings, God lifted us up.  Though we started having issues because I was seeing another lady. She pushed me to see another lady.  I never intended see another woman but she made me to by holding her body from me most times when I needed it.  I warned her and told her of the implication but she refused until I had to go get it outside.


Well, I was working as an engineer in an oil firm, and at the peak of my career, she left me and ran to her parents just because we had a telephone argument.  After she left, I did not stay long in the job that oil job that I had. I was fired and my dreams started crumbling.  Now, we are separated for almost 2 years.  Getting her back is a problem.  I can't even pay my bills. I struggle to pay children school fees.

I live alone in Port Harcourt and they are at Ibadan.  How do I get her and the kids back.  I got a job, but I am used to big money.  I have a car and live in a small apartment. It is difficult for me to save money and bring them back.  I have been promising but it is not working.

Now, I am depressed, sad and lonely.  Begged for love and can't get any.

Everyone that sees me, knows that I am depressed.

What do I do?

                                                                                                                                                  Oladipo












Dear Oladipo,
         I think you should first of all concentrate on getting yourself together and trying to stabilize yourself. You won't be able to keep them even if they come back today without you being in control of yourself and looking for a way to take care of them. I know it's not easy to fall back to where you are when you had a good paying job at a point. But that was once upon a time and it is in the past now. What you have to do is to make use of what you have in front of you while looking for ways to move forward. You said you had humble beginnings right? Then treat this like one of those days, let it look like a big reset button was hit in your life and that you have to start afresh. Look at it as an opportunity to do better things and make better choices. If you want your wife back you have to be willing to sacrifice some unnecessary spending to be able to take care of them.You have to show her that you can handle a family and that you are a new person. If you cannot do that then you won't be painting a very good picture of yourself for her and you wont be able to convince her of your determination. Ask her to give you another chance to prove yourself. Luckily for you she doesn't sound like someone who is too money dependent so all she might really need is for you to clean up your act and give her the necessary respect she needs. I know I am emphasizing on you and your financial part but what I am trying to do is to get you to learn to live with the condition you have now. You have to be comfortable where you are for you to be able to tolerate her when she comes back, if not you might still ruin things out of frustration. After that then you can strive for better opportunities.

To me she did not leave you because of money because she left you while you were still having it. But if you feel she did, just in case it crossed your mind or you have it at the back of your mind, I would ask you to well have a re-think for what you really want to do. Although some blame does fall on you in this matter, you still have to know if the only reason your wife would come back to you is depending on the size of your pocket. Now I am not saying that you feel she left you because you got broke, I am just putting this out there for you to also think about and just in case this was in your mind at any point.

     Did you show her arrogance when you were having? That might be something that is keeping her away from you right now and of cos coupled with the fact that you were unfaithful to her. You have to be willing to change and show her that the old you is in the past now. I believe you might still have some hope. You need to know what her problem with you apart from the infidelity was and work it out with her. Pester her and show her that you are willing to go the length to get her and the kids back. Never be afraid to open up and pour out your heart to your woman if you love her. It doesn't make you a weak man, it would only make a reasonable woman understand more.
   
Also Saying that she pushed you into cheating by not giving you what she wanted really isn't an excuse. A wrong deed is wrong no matter what. I anyway understand that you are a man and you have needs but you have to know a better way to get to your woman. It also all depends on the way you asked her for it. You say that she "held back when most time when you needed it". Remember that although you get married to a woman, she still owns her body. And you have to know how to get her to want to give it to you willingly and not to demand for it. If you make it look like a duty to her it would never come naturally, you have to make her know that it is hers to give. So always have it at the back of your mind that you have to be subtle in your approach when it comes to bedroom matters. I know you might think it is pointless me telling you now but it isn't. You need to know this in case you succeed in getting your second chance

I know some suggestions I gave would make you feel embarrassed and you would imagine how you would feel if you do it and it doesn't work. I would still advice you , but not push you, to go and do what you have to do. If you are dead in love with this woman then do not let your pride stop you, go and get your woman! And if at the end it doesn't work after you try over and over again, then take consolation in the fact that you know you gave it your all. Live your life to be a better man so you don't spoil any opportunity that might come tomorrow. Learn your lesson in self control and keep moving.

Also if you are sure you are going to be a new man and promise to treat her good and work out ways around problems instead of taking the wrong road to solving them. Then you can drag her down here and show her this post, let her know you have been really looking for a way to get her back and have her know that we are begging with you. Let her know we want you guys to work things out.

I hope she comes back to you. It might have been some years but I still believe something can work out. I really hope something does work out. Take care of yourself and try to manage what you have for now. Everything would be fine if you put in the effort you need to put in. Your determination for this would also go a long way to help you out.

                                                                                                                                                    Ralph