Dear Ralph: Privacy Issues

The DEAR RALPH section of AskRalph blog is dedicated to real people with real life struggles. Ralph deals with everyday life issues from relationship, marriage, self esteem, Insecurities, Family, Parenting Issues, Fitness, Health and many more. Generally when you need advice or a friend to help you through those troubles you are facing in your life you can AskRalph. Feel free to contact me by using the email form you will see when you CLICK THIS LINK  or writing directly to my emails raphaelsblogg@gmail.com or askralphblog@gmail.com if you have an issues you want me to discuss. I would also want to encourage everyone that reads to drop their comments and inputs on the issues. Feel free to object or support any advice I give and drop your own thoughts. It's all in the best interest of the poster and the AskRalph family as a whole. So lend your advice and support through the comments section. It'll be really helpful to the poster. This is one of the main reasons I opened this blog. If you are reading this then I look forward to your participation. Ralph does not....I repeat DOES NOT have all the answers so your opinion counts a lot.... Alright then, let's do this!





Dear Ralph,


I need a straight forward and honest answer please. I am married to the most wonderful man. He is a loving and a respectable man. He cares and provides for his family. My main challenge is his family.
We live in a three bedroom flat with my four kids and a house help. My younger sister recently got a job so she stays with me before she gets married. She is an AS so she is careful in selecting her partner. My younger brother too got a job in the same town so he comes around for dinner during the weekdays. He is getting married next year and bring his wife. Meanwhile two of my husbands nephews have been coming to my house for more than fours years now non stop to eat dinner and sometimes lunch. (am not complaining just trying to paint a picture). Sometimes they come with friends or other relatives. They don't even mention if there will be an additional person they just come. My sister in law has turned my house to a stop over. She is always shuttling between the two towns near where I stay. She comes when she likes and leaves when she likes ( again I have never complained even though sometimes I get tired of having her around). Now one of her daughters came to stay with us again with her daughter. Her marriage did not work out. Her daughter is one year plus while my last baby is more than four years. The daughter cries a lot and I find it irritating simply because I have crossed that stage in my life. She just came and stayed with no one telling or asking me anything.

The problem now is that the niece tried to take over my kitchen, I stood my ground of stopping her. She is now conniving with my house help and both of them are irritated. I thought of sending the girl away but I realized that as long as that girl stays in my house the story will never change. I am a working woman so I leave the house and the two of them stay back for the whole day till in the evening. My sister In-law is always coming around and the stay up till God knows when to talk ( not that I care what the discussion is all about). Now another relative just came unexpected and he sleeps in the sitting room.

Now my question is am I wrong in getting upset because of lack of space and privacy. I love my space but it seems I may never get it. Sometimes I come back from the office tired but no room for me to rest due to the number of people in the house. Please I need an urgent advice.
Thank you.


Shattu








Dear Shattu


Let me start by saying that you aren't wrong at all for wanting some space and privacy in your own home. It is natural once in a while to just want to come home and have a little peace and quiet, be alone and see no body at all. Just to have that space to clear your head. There is nothing wrong in wanting that at all. As a matter of fact it is your right to have some privacy in your own home when you want it. The thing now is how you should deal with it. I might have a couple of tip for you...

Communication is the best thing that a couple can have in a relationship, it's very important in your marriage. The only thing I ask of you when communicating is that you speak to each other in a way that isn't provocative or insulting. Speak to each other in a manner that you both can understand and relate to. From the way you sounded about your husband I think he is someone that would understand and be willing to talk with you if you want to have a discussion with him. So why not try and go over this with your man? You two need to talk this over and get some control over the people that come into the house and how frequently they come in. Let him know how you feel about coming back to a full house all the time and to the constant uninvited visitors. Let him know how you feel about not being told when there is a someone coming to visit or stay over in the house. He needs to know how uncomfortable and crowded you feel in the house. I think with this little discussion and some new rules in the house everything is going to be okay. While setting these rules, do not forget that both your own relatives and his own also are in the house so you two should try to be fair and not side any particular relative.

Finally, this is you and your husbands house. Only the both of you (and maybe the kids if you wish after they are grown) get to dictate the rules in the house. If the house help or any other person isn't able to play by those rules or is trying to struggle your position with you then you might want to discuss with your husband if that person should keep staying there or if the person is to be sent away. When it comes to issues regarding you, your spouse and each persons relatives, things can get a little delicate, however what must be done must be done. I have found out that one of the best things to do is to let everyone handle their own problems and allow you and your husband to be alone. Any help you want to give to them or receive from them should be done from far. Their coming to your house should be on a short term visitation. Having them stay with you usually leads to bigger issues in the long run.

I hope you and your husband are able to talk this through and make the best decision to help your lives and your marriage. That privacy is very very important, trust me, you deserve and need it in your own home.


Ralph