Dear Ralph: My in-laws control my husband too much

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Dear Ralph,


Please, I really need your advice. My hubby & I have been married for 3 years & blessed with a baby. we courted for 4 years, but d problem here is that i'm just getting 2 know him. I'm living with a total stranger. He lost his job 3 months after our wedding. I'm presently sustaining the home with the support of his parents but then his parents are the problem we have right now. My hubby is their only son, they told him to rent an apartment very close 2 their house so that they can watch ova him & told him that they want to protect him so that he doesn't make any mistakes. They tell him how to handle the affairs of the home. My hubby does not have a mind of his own, his parents makes d decisions, they call him anytime they want him to run errands 4 them. I never saw all these wen we were courting, he made me believe that he was his own man but what i'm seeing is a weakling who is not ready 4 marriage. His mum went as far as telling me 2 obey everything they say. She wants me to always come over to their house, wash their clothes, cook & clean without complaining or else they'll stop rendering their support. I've been advising my hubby to stand up & be a man & then the day he finally made his own decision, his mum insulted me & said that i'm a bad influence on her son. She said that he no longer listens to her the way he used to & that I should stop coming close to her. I stopped going to their house because she no longer answers my greetings. They shout at me, insult me in the presence of my hubby & he does nothing about it. The job my hubby lost was secured by his parents & now he is depending on them 4 another job. I am  just so tired of all these. I feel like leaving him. Please advice...


Grace







Dear Grace,

       I am really sorry you have to face all that you are facing but i'll like to ask you for a little more patience. The fact that you are asking for help and advice means that you aren't ready to give up on your marriage yet so just be a little bit more patient and let me see if we can help you through this issue that you are facing. When it comes to issues related to the parents of your partner it can get really awkward but i'll advice you not to let the actions of your husbands mum dent your image towards your husband. Also do not hate his mum or have any grudge against her, think of it like this. Every parent feel they know what is best for their child and regardless of how old that child is, the person remains a child in their eyes. I do agree that he could try a little bit more to be seen as an adult by trying to take control of his life but that is something you both would need to talk through. You can't blame his parents for acting the way they do. Here is what I feel you should do...

You need to start by having a talk with your husband. Politely and calmly express the way you feel about the way his parents is acting and (most importantly) do this without showing any kind of hatred or malice towards his parents. Trust me you don't want to make it look like he has to choose sides between you and his folks. Let him know that you want to have a happy home and be in peace with his parents but that you feel that they are influencing his decisions too much and those decisions are beginning to affect you. He needs to be made to understand the situation he is putting you in. Let him know that you would prefer it if he ran his home the way he wanted to and not the way his parents want him to.
 
When you both were courting for about 4 years, he was the one you were courting with, when you both married, he was the man that you married but now he is showing you a side of him that you didn't fall in love with. The man you fell in love with is the man you want to live with and make a family with. That is the man who's own rules you want to play by. That is the man whose personal way of running a family you would admire. You have to make him understand this, he has to know that right now, he isn't that man.

Also I feel you both should sit down and think of a way to be financially independent from them. Now you don't have to leave the whole work to him, you can sit down with him and you both can brain storm together, draw plans and set up strategies on how to start up a business or look for a work. That financial stability that he would gain would free him a little and give him a "mouth of his own" where his parents are. This doesn't mean that he has to get rude towards them (if he does that then discourage him, you are not trying to separate them) he just has to be able to stand on his own and think for himself and this would help out. From gaining that stability you can then talk to him about moving out to a different place that is not so close to them.

Finally, do not move away from his family. Even if they don't respond to your greeting still greet them. I know it is hard and almost impossible to do but you have to try. Even if they continue it would only be a matter of time before they see the good in you. If at the end of the day they don't then it's their loss but do not pull away from them or hold any grudge. The thing about parent in-laws is that they expect you to be their child and obey every single thing they say. Sometimes they also see you as a competition for who would have more control over their child but do not play into that. You have to show them that you aren't here to control their child and you have to show their child that he doesn't have to be controlled by anyone, instead he should make his own decisions.

Just take it easy dear. As I said earlier, try and be patient with him. Everything is still going to workout. Understand his parents reason, I am not saying it's right but it's really hard for parents to accept that they can't have as much control over their child especially since he is the only child. Instead try and work on him and build him up to be an independent man. Let me know if you would need any more advice and i'll do my best to help you out some more. Welcome to the family Grace.

Ralph