Dear Ralph: Our Pastor and the mysterious girl

 Dear Ralph,

         Sometime last year there was this very close family friend of ours, a pastor. He is married with three kids and we go to their house very well. All of a sudden that last year the man started calling me at odd hours and chatting me up. After some time he finally opened up and told me he like me and wanted us to go out but I refused. Now there is this girl that goes to their house also. I have noticed the same thing with him and that girl. I am not jealous but the thing is, I love his family, he has 3 adorable kids. I understand the fact that the wife doesn't care about him and all but this girl in question is old and desperate. She can scatter their home without looking back. I am very close to the man and don't want to involve anyone because things might escalate. How do you think I can help?

                                                                                                                                                          Louis

Dear Louis,

        I understand that the fact that you both are close, you feel obliged to help out and save his family from a serious problem. It is really nice of you and I commend you for trying to help fix things. However I must advice you to be really careful. Being in the middle of a couples problems is really a difficult situation to be in. You have to be careful in your approach when you want to sort this out.

First of all, since you are still viewing from a distance, you would need to confirm your suspicion first. You wouldn't want to ride in like a hero only to discover that there is no one to be saved. That won't look very pretty for you. So just take your time and find out if truly, there friendship is more than what they plain eyes suggest. When you are through confirming then you'll know if your suspicions are true or not. But i'll give you some tips below...

The best way, since you both are very close, would be to highlight the dangers of what he, the pastor is doing to him. He might not be seeing the problem that he would put his family through by going ahead with his plans so you might want to point them out for him. He should try and consider his kids. He should try and fix his marriage with his wife instead of looking for joy elsewhere. As I said and always say, it's about how you approach the situation. In this situation, a verse or two from his Holy book that would condemn what he is planning might be able to wake his conscience up. So just try and see if that is going to work out.

Also be careful that he doesn't see you as being jealous of his new "catch". If you paint an image of jealousy for him then everything you are trying to do could be turned on its head. He might actually start going for the new lady more, thinking he is getting you more jealous. It could also have him refocus his attention on you and I'm sure that's not what you want. 

Things get complicated when dealing with marriage issues so please just be careful. Your intention is really good but be careful not to carry out your plan in a way that would turn around to affect you. Also I would advise that you stay clear of the other lady. She might not be so happy knowing that you are trying to ruin what she has been working hard for.