Dear Ralph: Problem at home

Dear Ralph Good afternoon
      
     I have a problem with my husband and I need solution to it. I've been married for 3 years now. He is a good man but the problem started when he’s sis came to leave with us last two years. She tells my husband how to do things even .Ever since she came my husband doesn't provide for the  needs of even our children like clothing and other things.

 Although when she came I used to give her the necessary respect as my senior, allow her to cook our meals at times because I found out it is one of ha hobby but she doesn't greet or respect my mum and it all started when I had my second son. She found my husband was very excited about it; she started complaining that my husband takes more care of me than she. Even my husband's shop I used to stay, when I had my baby I stopped going to the shop, she was the one staying there even up till now and my husband pays her. but if I ask my husband for anything he would refuse, he will always compare me with other women.

   I don’t know what else to do, I've tried to make him understand that I’m his wife and that in everything I should be placed as his number 1 but he doesn't listen. We quarrel everyday and am not happy with the marriage again. please I need help because am losing patience. Thanks.


                                                                                                                                                   Damsel





Dear Damsel,
         I know how hard it can be when misunderstandings starts coming up with the family members of your significant other. It can be a really difficult situation to handle. What I would advice you to do is to discuss with your husband on how he wants things to be done in the house. Lay out all the issues that you are having with he's sister on the table and have him know that you want to work on them, let him know that you don't dislike he's sister but that somethings just have to change. Now asking for how he wants to handle things doesn't mean that you don't have a say in the matter, not at all. What you want is for him to suggest by himself how he wants to take care of the issues and then you will make your contributions, let him know that you aim to fix the marriage. Ask him if the sister plans on staying in your matrimonial home forever or if there are any plans. Your home is yours and you should be the woman in the house but don't do things irrationally. You need to take a good and suitable approach for your man to get what you want. So don't come off bossy and put up a This-Is-My-House attitude with him.
    If possible try to develop a rapport with the sister, I have found that in these cases the best way is to draw these people closer. Let them know that you would never mean them bad or any harm. But that their actions are not fair on you. Explain things to her if you wish but if you believe that pulling her close alone without engaging in any talk is enough to get her to change her attitude toward you then don't go further. Always try to maintain a good relationship with her and any problem or issue you have with her should be told to your husband instead. Also be careful when doing this as to not see too submissive if not, some people might take advantage and misread your action for weakness then attempt to ride you.

Now as for your husband not providing. You two also need to talk things out regarding that. Let him know that he has a duty to take care of the kids no matter what and that you aren't working presently and that is why you cannot do anything to contribute. Please let me add that no matter what, do not compare with he's sister and mention that he gives her and doesn't give you, he might mistake it as a hostile mind state towards he's family. He might see it as an attempt to dominate and push he's family away just to satisfy a selfish need. This would only cause more problems in your home in the long run. So just make sure that you are telling him about what you and the kids want and not what he is doing for any other person. At least handle it for now like this until the tension in the house comes down, then you would be able to address things directly to him as long as you use the right manner.

I ask you to be patient for now and try out these things that I am suggesting to know if it will work out for your home. Marriages are really hard and you just have to keep trying to keep things going. I would be happy to help out further anytime you need. So take care for now and I hope you sort things out at home.

                                                                                                                                                      Ralph