Dear Ralph: My boyfriend is stingy

Hello Raphael,
My name is Nkechi and I will like to share an issue I'm having with you

I met my boyfriend about 4 years ago, we dated for a bit but broke up after due to irreconcilable differences, after we broke up he called me several times to apologize and ask me to take him back which I did last year.  My siblings and mother were kind of against the relationship at this point because of the way he treated me before but I assured them he was a changed man and I loved him,  We started going out again in November last year and this time we were planning it was going to end in marriage,  the issue is that he's very stingy.
I'm more of an independent woman so I don't ask him for things, all I ask him to do is to call me and show me a bit of affection which seems too much for him to do. He earns a 6 figure salary so I know money is not his problem,  on my birthday I had to ask him to buy a cake for me if not he wouldn't have bought anything. On valentines day I bought him 5 H and C shirts as a surprise gift and he didn't even buy me a pin. I call him crying severally that I just want him to be more caring and call me more often but he always says that i'm too self centered that he has to leave his house by 5 a.m every morning to drive to work and doesn't get back till 12 a.m so he's stressed and I shouldn't stress him the more. In July we had a major fight and I told him I wasn't interested anymore that I deserve someone who treats me better, he begged me and called his sister and my friend to beg me,  he promised he was going to change and be more sensitive to my emotional needs, he changed a bit but today he's back to the old same story, I'm tired of going back and forth I really need someone that is sensitive to my emotional needs or am I asking for too much?


                                                                                                                                                       Nkechi










Dear Nkechi,
          I understand what you are tying to say. You aren't really a materialistic person but it's still refreshing to see your man interested in taking care of your needs. And at least surprising you with something nice once in a while no matter how small. It isn't about what the person buys or the amount. It's more about knowing that he cares.
     If what I mention above is your case then I understand the reason why you are disturbed, but then what is he's opinion of you? Does he feel you are being materialistic or is it just he's nature? I know how hard it can be, talking about issues regarding money. I still feel you need to talk to him but as I tell most people, the manner of approach can make a world of difference. Try not to come off as a nagging woman and see if that would work on your man. If he really does work really hard and he's work is demanding then I think he might actually need some space, maybe the reason he doesn't call you is because he is always occupied. Think of it, he leaves 5 a.m and comes back by 12 midnight, the working hours must be taking its toll on him. He might actually be really stressed and this is the result of he's stress.
     Here is another method you can also try, one day when he gets back from work, engage him in a discussion and ask him how things are at work. Let him narrate to you how each day goes and what he does,your aim is to understand he's own struggles better, to see things from he's own eyes. If you get to understand what he goes through each day you might be able to relate better to he's attitude. Because it might actually not be stinginess that's the problem. It could actually just be frustration from work and coming home to you complaining. Now don't get me wrong, I am NOT saying that you are complaining too much and that you should leave him alone. I am just trying to get you to know reasons why he might be acting the way he is. So show interest and if possible talk to him about plans of setting up he's own business. I think he would really appreciate your input and interest in moving things forward in he's life. And that would further help create a better atmosphere for you to speak to him and address your problems, show him that you want to make things better but that he has to help you build the relationship for things to work.
       You can talk to him and point out that he is changing again, let him know that this he's behavior was the reason you left him the last time and that he has started with it again. Let him know that you are really trying but that you can't keep going back and forth with him like this. He should make an attempt to change if he wants to keep you.
  At the end of the day if you try your best and you feel that you just can't work with him and he's attitude with money then you might consider putting a permanent stop to the relationship as long as you are absolutely sure that it is what you want to do.  All I ask is that you give it a try and be a little more patient while trying this new approach

I really pray things work out for you and your man, I wish you both a happy and healthy relationship. Take care for now and write to me if you still need any more help and advice.


                                                                                                                                               Ralph