Dear Ralph: My teenage daughter

Dear Ralph:
        I am a single mother of a beautiful young girl that recently turned a teenager. And dealing with her rebellious nature is getting harder as the days go by. It's like she just grew up so fast overnight and nothing I say now ever matters to her. She is just 14 and she is keeping boyfriends and take an emphasis on the "s".
She goes out and comes back at odd hours so I stay up worrying all night about her. Her phone goes off when she doesn't want to talk to me and it really gets me worried. I know that she needs to be free but she is all I have in this world and I try my best to protect her but she just doesn't get it. Everyday is another battle of who is going to have the last say on a matter. I really hate raising my voice at her but she really drives me nuts with the way she behaves. I don't want her making the same mistake I made especially with boys.
    The other day it was a fight about the age of the man she brought to the house. She can't be dating a man of 26 year at the age 14. I am really scared for her and I don't know how deep she might have gone with these here relationships. I never get to know who she is hanging out with and who her friends are that might be influencing her and the few I have seen are really nothing to write home about. I could have sworn that I did everything to raise her right but I really don't know. Some of my friends are suggesting I get a father figure for her that it is going to help her but I really am not ready to go back into dating. In fact I doubt I would ever be ready to date any man in my life again. I don't know what to do with my daughter anymore and the constant quarrel with her is really breaking my heart. Is there something I am missing or is this just the way it is with them. And also what do you think about getting into something with a man just for her sake? I am really confused at this point and anything you can say to help would be appreciated. Thank you.


                                                                                                                                                    Martha








Dear Martha,
        It can be really delicate handling a rebellious child right? And it's like she was mummy's little girl today and tomorrow the sweet innocence is all gone. But don't worry it isn't a new thing and you can definitely handle this. The thing is I think you need to open up about your own personal experiences to her. Let her in on some of the things you have been through so that she understands why you are telling her what you are. Let her know that you have been through it all and that it always plays out the same way. I know some things might be too graphic for her to hear at her age so you can alter some stories, the main aim is for her to get your message.


    Now sometimes it could boil down to you having to leave her to make mistakes and learn for herself. You always point things out to her still but then give her the room to go out and make mistakes. If you play it with the right attitude and maintain a good communication in you relationship then she would always come back to cry to you if or when anything goes wrong. Now if anything happens do not take up an I-told-you-so attitude with her. If not you stand the chance of her not listening to you again. Just always show her that you are there for her and that the sooner she starts listening to you the better things would be. Just always show genuine interest on how her days are spent and try not to judge or accuse her. Instead cunningly correct her if she makes a mistake, make it more like a suggestion to her and she would really appreciate it.

As for her love life, you know that is a part of her that you won't be able to control. So instead of stopping her from dating. You should still encourage her to come to the house with whoever it is that she is dating. You can see the person and judge the kind of person and he's intention with your experience, as long as you keep the proper mind state for it. Meaning that you shouldn't be quick to jump to conclusion because you don't her to date a person, just take your time and get to know the person first. Let her know the dangers of keeping more than one boy in her love life and the confusion it will cause her. And also you need to encourage her to bring her friends to the house so that you would know the kind of people she hangs out with. You can organize a lunch or dinner and tell her to bring them to the house so that they would eat. Then you can see them and relate with them individually. Only then would you truly be able to say if they are a bad influence on her. When you get to know them better then you can suggest to her who you would prefer she hangs out more with but don't force it on her. Also seriously advice her against the age bracket that she is interested in dating. A 12 year gap is kind of too much for her. I know that young girls normally prefer older men but you need to caution her on that.
Also if you really think that she has gone too far and might be already getting intimate with someone then I think you both need to do a PG rated adult talk if you know what I mean. Just not too much into the topic but just enough to let her know what she might be getting herself into. An adult education is always very important.
   
Try to show her that she has a choice in her life and that you aren't trying to control her. That instead you are just trying to contribute the best way you can to make sure that things are going good and fine in her life.

Generally work on your mother-daughter communication level and you would have taken the first step, in establishing a great rapport with her that would aid you both in understanding and relating to each other better in the future.


                                                                                                                                                        Ralph