Dear Ralph: So Confused

The famous DEAR RALPH section of AskRalph blog is dedicated to real people with real life struggles. Ralph deals with everyday life issues from relationship, marriage, self esteem, Insecurities, Family, Parenting Issues, Fitness, Health and many more. Generally when you need advice or a friend to help you through those troubles you are facing in your life you can AskRalph. Feel free to contact me by using the email form you will see when you CLICK THIS LINK  or writing directly to my emails raphaelsblogg@gmail.com or askralphblog@gmail.com if you have an issues you want me to discuss. I would also want to encourage everyone that reads to drop their comments and inputs on the issues. Feel free to object or support any advice I give and drop your own thoughts. It's all in the best interest of the poster and the AskRalph family as a whole. So lend your advice and support through the comments section. It'll be really helpful to the poster. This is one of the main reasons I opened this blog. If you are reading this then I look forward to your participation. Ralph does not....I repeat DOES NOT have all the answers so your opinion counts a lot.... Alright then, let's do this!








Dear Ralph,


Good afternoon Sir, this is ma story. I was doing ma national service after university when i met this guy also doing his national service. We became friends and in the process of knowing each other, we started dating. Everything was on put until one day i figured out that i needed to know about his past relationship. He told me he wasn't dating currently but has a child and its with his mum. When I asked of the whereabouts of the baby's mama, he told me they weren't together because the girl's family do not approve of their relationship so they parted ways. I Wasn't convinced so I decided to do my own investigation. I found out everything that I needed to know. It turns out this guy was lying all along. In fact the girl in question was staying with the guy's mum together with the child. The reason being that the girl's dad refused to allow her back to the house because of the pregnancy and so had to stay with the guy till her time was due for delivery and the guy sent her to his mum to put to birth there. She has since been staying with his mum and schooling with the help of her (the girl's ) uncle. I asked him why on earth did he lied to me and he said he was afraid of loosing me cos he loves me. I decided to stay away because I didn't want any trouble since I met him not long ago and also we all are in that same town to do our national service. We will all go back to our various destinations after the service. He cried, begged and threatened to take his life if I should let go of him. Before I met him, he was addicted to porn, flirting with various women and to make it worse, masturbating as well. I helped him out to be a better person than that. He said he is afraid of going back to old habit or becoming worse should I leave him. He said he doesn't love the lady anymore and to make matters worse, she does not respect his mum. He is only waiting for their child to grow a bit older so he can send her back to her family. Now the problem is that when I decide to stay away until everything is over, he refused. Make me known to your family too, he said, I should give him time since the he has not dealt with the baby mama's situation. The lady in question is not ready to let go of him since he is the cause of her misery and by the look of things, they still love each other. My problem now is, in the course of my encounter with him, I rejected someone's proposal. I had grown to love this guy so much that anytime, I try breaking up with him, I end up falling for him more and more. This guy is not worth my time since anytime he goes home, he has an affair with the baby's mama and comes back revealing the truth to me and apologizing as well. What do I do since I want to let go but my heart says otherwise. Is it an obsession or real love that i'm feeling? Need help. Thanks.



Yaaya






Dear Yaaya,

          I wouldn't exactly call this true love and at the same time I wouldn't also call it an obsession. I personally feel that you have gotten so used to him and have fallen for him. It is love from your side quite alright but true Love is reciprocal and from the story you have just narrated, the love isn't being reciprocated. I believe you are sacrificing a lot for something that you find no happiness in. Yes there are times in relationship that things don't go smoothly but that shouldn't overshadow the good times. However we aren't here to count the number of sacrifices that each person has made or hasn't made or if it outnumbers the other persons own. So here is what I want you to do...

It's a good thing that you are making a positive impact on his life and making him a better person by helping him stop certain habits that he was addicted to. However I feel you should also start thinking of yourself at this point. You have to ask yourself if you are becoming a better person , staying stagnant or being pulled back by the relationship. Ask and search within yourself to find out if you are happy with the way thing are in your life right now and with the impact the relationship has on you. Most importantly, you have to ask yourself if you will be able to cope with things the way they are right now if it was to last forever. If your answer to that last question was a NO then it's time for some changes in the relationship. Now you have two choices, to stay or to go and I know your heart is afraid of leaving so I would help you through how to stay and still be fair on yourself.

To me it really seems like your happiness is being kept aside until every other thing in his life is settled. This doesn't necessarily mean that he is a bad person or is doing this to you on purpose, he might just not see it in this way and might be acting out of ignorance. So you have to tell him the way you feel, let him know that you feel neglected and that you feel like your happiness isn't a priority to him. He has to know that you want to be taken more seriously and not as the person he falls back to when the going gets tough. He has to carry you through it all. He has to know that you won't just sit and wait for him until he is done with every other person and is ready for you. That isn't being fair.
       I know he is also going through a lot with the baby and all so if you want and only if you want, you can even go as far as offering to help him through the struggles any way you can but that you do not want your own conditions and happiness to be left in the dust while he sorts through his own life. It is very dangerous to leave things like this because you could end up a wreck if he changes his mind about being with you. So you have to constantly fight for your own happiness also. Let him know that it is either he meets you halfway or he forgets the relationship. I am not trying to push you into leaving him so you have to do this only if that is what you want to do. Do it only if it makes sense to you, okay?

Secondly you might just want to give him a little space. It makes no sense that he keeps you around when you aren't happy with the way things are going. If he isn't able to meet you halfway in this then you might want to think of giving him that space. I suggest giving him space and not breaking up because I know a break up might be very hard for you to think of right now. So you can just take a break for the both of you to know what you really want. You need time to know if you really want to be with him and if you can cope with him and he needs time to get himself together and sort his priorities out. He doesn't know it yet and might be truly afraid of loosing you but a little break would go a long way in helping him find out what he really wants. If you really want to be with him, in the time you both spend apart you will find out. If you can't continue then in that time spent apart you will also find more clarity and understanding of what you really want for yourself. It isn't nice of him to restrict you from having at least that space only to go back each time and have an affair with the same girl then still turn around again and plead over and over again. Once again i'll say it that you have to think of your own happiness, it also matters.

If you try the above option of staying and it isn't working out well for you. Maybe you look at yourself after some time and find that there is still no progress in the relationship or you just aren't happy then I would honestly advice you to go and find your happiness.

Just take your time and take things easy. Things will work out the way they are meant to at the end. If you both are meant to be together then something will work out. If not, then you will have nothing to loose by letting him go. Your pain would only last for a while but it will definitely pass. Everything will be fine.  Please don't forget to write me if you still need some help sorting through this issue. I will be more than be happy to help you out again. Take care for now Yaaya and Welcome to the family


Ralph