Dear Ralph: Why should I spend on her

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Dear Ralph,

      I am going through a little problem with my girlfriend. We have been together for 2 year and 3 months. She keeps complaining that I am too stingy because I don't like spending on her and I don't give her money. I mean why should I spend on her. Her parents are alive, they can take care of her. I am a student like her and I don't make any money. Every time we quarrel it's always about money and how I never want to help her out. I don't work and I survive with what my parents give me and a little extra hustle on the side. She keeps complaining that she can't ask me for anything and threatening to break up with me if I continue like this. She says I would be stingy when I get married to her. The thing is that I don't even disturb her for s3x and she is asking for money. Yes, she helps me out in my room by cooking for me once in a while and I give her the money for that but I don't see why I should bring out money that I don't have to give her just because she cooks. I am not denying that the cooking she does for me doesn't help me, it helps me a lot but I still don't see any reason. This has gone on for a while and I decided to ask someone that isn't my friend or that doesn't know me to judge this from a neutral ground. I love her and don't want to loose her, I know I am not stingy and when I make money I will give her. Right now i'm just not financially stable enough to take care of her and I am working on being strong enough for her when we have a family. Please help me out.


Simon









Dear Simon,

        Let me start by saying as I always say that a relationship is not a business agreement, meeting,  set up or whatever. It isn't a situation where people meet and exchange services for money. I think the mind set that you and your girl are using to approach this relationship is a little too based on materialistic things. That is the reason why your quarrels are being materialistic. I personally believe that when it comes to issues as sensitive as money both partners should be very careful and try their best to understand each others situation. With that I want to ask you this question. When she asks for money, have you ever asked her what she would like to use it for? This isn't an attack on you but I feel that if you are able to show her care and concern for her needs, even if you aren't able to provide for her at that point, she would know that you care and the issues might just reduce. Also if you have a solution to her needs or a way around it that isn't going to dent your bank account and still help her out then you might just try to pull that out and offer it to her. Understanding her situation could go a long way in reducing your quarrels. So try to hear her out when she asks for money and help her with other solutions you can offer.

Secondly do not think in the direction that you are thinking right now. The direction I mean is that which tells you that until you start getting intimate with her, she doesn't deserve your money. There is only one set of people who offer s3xual services for money and I don't think that is what you want to turn your relationship into. If your girl is heading towards that direction with you without her even knowing it then please make it your duty to call her back and talk to her against it. It isn't healthy for your relationship. Now having tackled that, I want to tell you that it's actually okay to give her something every once in a while to help herself out. However financial assistance to whoever is something that must come from your heart and not forced out of you due to certain 'terms and conditions'. You can decide to limit what you give her. For instance if she needs 5000 naira you can decide to assist her with half of the money if that's all you can afford. You can also decide to limit your help to the things that you see as very important so that it doesn't grow into extravagance in the near future, at least not until you can afford to be. Just as I said earlier, you don't have to wait for her to give you something or do something for you before you do something for her. Help her out when you want to simply because you love her and wouldn't want to see her suffering when you know you can help her out of it. Do not stand and count what she has done for you and what she hasn't done in order to know if she is worthy to receive financial aid from you. Do not think towards that direction at all. I understand that you don't want to spend much on her or maybe "spoil" her so just do this when you can afford it. It only gets bad when it gets too much and her demands becomes too frequent and unnecessary.  So what am I trying to say? It's simple, open up your heart and take care of her out of love and not out of duty.

There is one way around this issue also. Once in a while you can set out a little money and take her out as a treat. It doesn't have to be to the most expensive place and you don't have to spend all your money. Just target a place that is okay for a little time out with her. That way she can have a good time, you wouldn't hand any physical cash to her and it could help cancel that thought in her head that you are stingy. It's okay to just treat her once in a while to something nice. Maybe even buy a little nice gift for her that isn't expensive, the most important thing is that it comes from your heart.

Finally I just want you both to talk about the threats she keeps throwing your way about breaking up with you. Explain to her who you really are, calmly and quietly. Do not try to start any fight or raise your voice even if it seems she isn't understanding you well. Take your time and explain why you act the way you do and let her know that it's the position that you are in presently that is the main issue. Also make sure to let her know how you feel about her threatening to break up with you every time.

Remember Communication is key! It can solve your problems more than you might realize. You just have to know the right way to talk to your partner and everything will be fine. So find out the best way to speak to her and you might succeed. I hope you both can sort this out. Take your time and build a relationship that isn't centered on materialistic gains. That is the worst thing to use as the foundation of your relationship. Welcome to the fam!



Ralph