Dear Ralph: Should I take his offer?

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Dear Ralph,
        Serious confusion going on right here with me. I don't even know where to start but I guess i'll just say what I can. Back in the university I used to be a very crazy and wild girl. I decided to have all the fun I could in the university before settling down. I met with rich men and had my own fair slice of heaven but I am all repented right now. I met a wonderful man and was quick to recognize it. He isn't very rich but he loves me. He is the only person that never judged me for my past life and loved me for who I am trying to be. He has really tried a lot for me and is a good mentor and although he never judges me, he expresses his jealousy whenever anybody I had something to do with in the past comes into the scene again. So far I must confess Ralph, he has been wonderful all round and supportive. Last 2 months ending, we got engaged and we are planning on getting married by the end of this year but there is something that is bugging me.

   Before we got engaged, one of my past lovers came back into my life. He is really rich and nice. He started getting close to me again and I told him clearly that I was in a relationship and that nothing could ever go on between us. He said he understood but that he just wanted to be a friend to me so we started talking. Sometimes I go out with him when I am free. Now as I said before, my boyfriend isn't really having much and when we were making plans for marriage he told me of how I was going to stay at home for a while so he can save up money to open a business for me. It all didn't sit well with me so we ended up having a quarrel that day. While I was out with my rich ex the talk sort of came up and he offered to open up a 7 million Naira boutique for me. He said everything is going to be in my name and that I would be the full owner. I asked him what he wanted in return and he said nothing, that he just wants to help me and my family and that he doesn't want my future children to suffer. I was over excited that day and I ran home to tell my boyfriend. Before I could say anything, another issue came up and we had another quarrel and ended up going to bed angry at each other. While I was laying down that night and thinking of everything it occurred to me that maybe it isn't right to tell my boyfriend. He might take it the wrong way. I decided not to tell him anything and up till today, he doesn't know. But if I have the store then where would I say I got the money to open it from? I am very confused right now Ralph. Should I tell him, should I leave it, I don't know what to do or if to take the offer. My fiance and I are quarreling right and I don't know what to do because this is dragging on for too long. Please help me.


Chidera












Dear Chidera,
        I understand the tight corner you must find yourself in right now. However I must plead with you to just calm down and think of the situation very well before acting.


I think the first thing that I would advice anybody to do in this situation is to clear things up with your fiance. When in a relationship you have to learn how to quickly tackle your issues and settle them without bearing grudges for each other for a long period of time. It is really unhealthy for the relationship and could be responsible for so man bigger problems that might come up. Since you both are going to be entering a marriage then i'll advice that you both brush up on your communications and issue tackling in the relationship. So just try to solve the quarrel between you two first.

About you telling him or not, i'll simply highlight your options for you. Let's start with telling him but this should only come after you have tackled the present quarrel. When you both are okay with each other then my personal advice to you would be to let him know what has been happening. It wouldn't be good at all if he finds out on his own so I think you should just come out plain and let him know everything. Allow him to state his own opinions of the whole thing to you. If he starts getting angry then let him know what it took for you to come out and tell him, let him know that if he continues like that then he is going to push you away from telling him anything in the future. But do not say this as a threat, say it with concern for his actions and if he misunderstands your statement then try to explain better to him. I believe it is going to be good for him to know and who knows, he might allow it. But even if he doesn't allow it then let him also express his reasons so you get to understand from his own side. Also i'll like to let you know that naturally, a man would hardly ever let another man take care of his woman especially financially so most likely your fiance would refuse. But still try to tell him.

If you do not tell him then you are most likely to just go on ahead with the offer. The truth is that yes, the business is going to make things better for your family. It's going to be a source of livelihood but I want you to be careful when depending on a man that is not your own for financial assistance. The thing about going to other people for favor is that once you need something again and your man can't provide, you will most likely fall back to him again. From there anything could happen, the person could have his own demands or you might find yourself comparing the person to your man. Issues could arise from this because of the subconscious behavior you will exhibit due to the fact that you have an option to satisfy your needs.
    It is also very possible that you will do this, start up the business and not tell your man anything and somehow he might not find out. But if he happens to find out then depending on who he is, you might have some serious issues later on. This particular option might look safe now but is a huge gamble in the long run.

Honestly there is nothing wrong with a friend offering to help you out. There is nothing wrong with you asking someone for a favor from a friend. Although I feel you shouldn't let yourself receive too much even if they offer. The issue most times is the persons own motive. I am not saying that their are right now, just that it's a possibility. It isn't easy for a person to just bring out that amount of money and give it to another person to start up a business. Usually their are hidden interests that you might not see at the initial stage. It is when you are fully dependent on them that they will make their demands. When you do not meet the demands then be ready to be blackmailed with guilt..

This is just a suggestion though...Why not introduce the man to your fiance instead and let him offer to help your fiance directly since he wants to help your family. That way if your fiance agrees then it will be between the both of them. Just think about this and know if your man would appreciate it.

Finally I'll like to advice you to not easily speak of the quarrels and challenges you have at home to your friends especially those of the opposite sex. It is best to look for solutions within. Please be really careful if you are going to take that offer. Support your man and work with him to build a better future together. A future that no other person will boast of helping you both to build. Even if the person doesn't use it on you, he can use it on your man. Things wouldn't always be easy but if you stay with him and help him grow instead of falling to another man for assistance then he will appreciate you more. Read through my reply to you thoroughly and make the wise decision. The wise decision is right there for you to see, don't block your mind to it.

I hope everything is sorted out cleanly and that you and your man settle your issues as soon as possible. Take care Chidera and welcome to the family.




Ralph