Dear Ralph: How to handle my father

Dear Ralph,
      Please help me out here. My father is giving I and my Mother problems. They have been divorced for a long time now because of infidelity on my fathers part and ever since my mother has struggled to pay for my school fees and feed us in the family. My father totally abandoned all responsibility of taking care of us financially. I still talk to him every now and then and understood that he also doesn't have any work. As soon as I finished school and got a job I started sending money to both my dad and my mum. My mum would even be complaining that I should stop disturbing myself but my dad will collect and put in his pocket and ask for more. That isn't my issues because I know it is my responsibility to take care of my dad. The thing is that he squanders money a lot. That was what dragged us into the poverty that I am trying to drag us out from. He doesn't know how to make any savings or manage money at all. The most recent one that happened that made me want to write to you is this.

I gave him 1.5 million to start a business of his choice that would yield money to him so that I wouldn't have to always be giving him money. After four months when I came to check on the project he had been telling me that he was almost completing with the money, I found out that he just ate the money I gave him and was never doing any project. I was furious and didn't know what to do. I complained and also took it to my mum. A week later he started calling me again and asking for money and I refused then asked him of the money I had already given him. He started shouting and asking why I should speak to him like that. He made a statement that since I gave him the money, that he can do whatever he wants with it and that do I know how much he spent training me. This statement really hurt me and I got really angry but didn't react. He is still asking me for money till now and I just don't know how to handle this man. If I keep giving him I will deplete what I have. If I don't give him I would be a wicked person that watched his father starve when he had. Please what do I do? Thank you

                                                                                                                                                           Fred














Dear Fred,
       I ask for your patience with your dad. I know it isn't easy carrying a full family plus your parents, talk more of when you aren't receiving the appreciation you deserve. I just want you to know that all these trials you are going through now are going to make you a better and stronger man tomorrow. I have a simple advice and suggestion for you.

What I want you to do is, instead of giving him bulk money to go and do a project or open up a business. You can either keep giving him some money every once in a while. You don't have to give him everything he requests for, you just do the much you can do for him. Let him take care of his basic needs first like his feeding, his clothing e.t.c. You cannot do more than your capacity right now because if you run yourself down then you won't be able to help anyone by then. So just do the little you can for each of them (mum and dad).

Another thing you can do is to open a business by yourself and put either your dad or somebody else there. Depending on how old your dad is and if he will be able to run the business without running it down. It doesn't have to be something big. If he can't do it then just employ someone that you can pay from the business to run it. Then send money to your dad and hopefully even your mum too from there, if the business can yield enough.

If your dad can take care of the business without running it down that will be the best thing because it will keep him occupied and he won't need to be calling or disturbing you all the time. He really needs to keep busy so even if he can't do the work then think of something that would keep him busy. Something he would love doing that will take his time and distract him for long periods of time. Like a game of checkers or any hubby of his. Sometimes the reason they get cranky at this age is because they have nothing doing anymore. So just try and keep him busy.

My final advice is that you should learn from these things. Let these be the things that you will never put your own kids through because you have seen how it is and the effects. If your dad would listen to you, try and speak to him and make him understand your situation and that you do not like how he is acting. Speak to him with respect but make your point. If he doesn't listen, it's fine. Do not loose your cool Fred. Just think of these points and do what you feel is best. Do not do more than you can because if you do not have the money tomorrow, you wouldn't be able to spend it. Do your best then forget the rest and don't give in to any emotional blackmail for the sake of your own stability and that of the family. Just take things easy and make your decision when you are calm and settled. Everything is going to be okay. Welcome to the family.

                                                                                                                                                         Ralph