Dear Ralph: Am I the side chick?

Dear Ralph,
         Please do not judge me as you have promised in your advert for what I am about to narrate to you and the audience. I am just simply confused. I have always been someone that falls in love easily and right now I just need some clarity to know what I am doing because I just don't know anymore. I met my boyfriend 5 years ago in school and we started dating about 6 months after that. He has always had a bad temper and a rude attitude but I am someone that knows how to tolerate and be patient with others. I don't care if it is a man or my fellow women. About 2 years ago I started noticing something funny about him. I knew he was cheating on me but I just didn't have any proof. Later on I caught him with the help of a couple of friends. We broke up and he came back begging. I took him back after a while because I just couldn't stay without him. I mean this guy treats me good regardless of his bad side.
He listens and understands, he comforts me and is generally good to me. Anyway not long after I took him back, about a couple of months later he started at it with the same girl again. The problem this time is that he became none apologetic. His attitude and character towards me totally changed. He screams at me more, he doesn't spend time like he used to. I went through his phone and it happened to be that he has been showering this other girl with gifts. For example, I use an old Nokia phone and she uses an Iphone which he bought for her. I brought this up with a couple of my friends and they all said that it is the new thing, that all men have side chicks these days. They said that I should just endure until I get married to him that things will surely change. Ralph even our s3x life is something else now. He just comes and doesn't spend time in being well intimate with me anymore. He finishes and doesn't care about my own pleasure, as soon as he is done he gets up and leaves. Even to make up a reasonable excuse for leaving will be enough for me right now compared to how he just goes away. He leaves me feeling used and dirty with myself and I tell myself each time that I will never give into him again but somehow he has me already and I can't stop him. I have sat and thought about everything that has happened up till now and I am beginning to wonder If I am the side chick or the main chick? I have endured for so long and my heart is very heavy. Please Help me look at this and tell me what you feel. What have I done to deserve this? I hardly sleep at night. I am constantly crying and always ill. My headache won't go away and I am just always tired. This is a man I have sacrificed everything for.I have cooked and cleaned and done any and every thing I can and would still do it all over again if he would just act well. Thank you.


                                                                                                                                         A confused Girl







Hello Dear,
        I am deeply sorry to hear of what you have been going through. It is really a lot for one person to take in but I need you to just calm down. Everything will be sorted out with time. You are more than what you are going through right now. You are definitely going to pull through this.

As much as I believe that no matter who it is, that the person can change. This is quite serious and the fact that it is beginning to affect your health is really a big concern. This isn't healthy for you and I think you need to take some time off to recover before thinking of the relationship again. Just first of all take some time off from the relationship to nurse yourself back to health and emotional stability. I don't know if you have spoken to him about the effects of what he is doing to you but if you haven't please just try and bring it up with him. This is if you decide that you want to take a break from the relationship. Use this as your reason for taking a break so that he would give you the space you need. I know that it is going to be hard for you to just break away from him like that if he keeps coming back to you. So he needs to realize the effect of the situation he is putting you through to be able to respect the space you need. Take this time off and calculate the way you want your relationship to be. Try to check if you really want to remain there and if there is any positive gain you are getting from this. Relationships are meant to help build you and contribute to your daily happiness. So are you happy where you are? Do you think you can cope with this forever? I am not saying that he might continue this after marriage (if you both choose to get married) I just need you to consider this assuming things carry on the way they are until after marriage. Assume the worst case scenario and if you can't cope with it then I think you will need to reconsider things.

As for your question about if you are the side chick or not. The truth is that nobody is going to be able to answer that question apart from your man. You can decide to ask him but it is also your choice to believe his answer or not. The question I feel you should ask and answer by yourself is "Do you feel you are being treated like a side chick?". Answer that first of all then from there you can start looking closer at yourself to know what and what you can do. Remember that it is whatever worth and values you attach to yourself that you will be treated with. It is whatever you tolerate or not tolerate that a person would respect or not respect around you. You need to make a decision to set your relationship the way you know you want it. Set your standards as a woman and stand by it.

Please only make the decision you can handle. But first of all you need to get that distance and space to be able to make your decision with enough clarity. I know that sometimes you will find it difficult to make a harsh decision because of the emotional pain it would cause at that point. But sometimes you just have to close your eyes and do what you have to do. You have to learn to ignore some present pains to enjoy your future happiness. If not you risk being trapped in a web of sorrows for a long time.

I really hope you find the strength to make the right decision. Just take things easy and try to think well before you make your decision. Everything will be okay. Welcome to the fam.

                                                                                                                                                         Ralph