Dear Ralph: My man is addicted to smoking

Dear Ralph,
       I have an issue that has been bothering me. By the way I saw your message on Facebook and it seems your name has been popping up in different places recently so I read up on your blog and decided to give this a try. I and my boyfriend have been battling over he's habit of smoking. He just can't go an hour without bringing out a cigarette to smoke and it is really irritating me, I have been managing this for the four months we have been dating.
It has caused a lot of fight for us within this short time that I have known him. The good thing is that recently he decided that he needed to stop because he says he has been getting these weird pains in he's chest area. He wouldn't also go to the hospital to confirm what the problem because according to him he is really scared of what he might find out. The thing is that he has said that he wants to stop but I don't see him reducing at all. Sometimes I see him fighting the urge to smoke like one time that he brought out a stick and then he tried to put it in he's mouth then threw it into a bucket of water so he won't be able to smoke it again. But from what I am seeing he isn't making any progress. I don't know if he is just trying to do it to fool me. I don't know how to go about this. He doesn't understand that I am trying to do this for he's own good and that is why he always gets angry when I tell him about it or maybe he does and really doesn't know how to stop. I don't want to be a nag but if it is the only way I can help him then I think I have to keep nagging him, Please advice, what can I do in this situation?

                                                                                                                                                 Lilian









Dear Lilian,
         First of all I want you to understand why he might be putting up a fight with you. You said you two only started dating four months ago. That means that he has been happily indulging in this habit without anybody telling him what to do and what not to do long before you came into he's life. So try and understand for now that he isn't used to your presence influencing he's habits yet but don't worry there are ways you can do this and still maintain peace. The good part is that he is at least showing signs of willingness to stop the habit.
       First of all you need to understand that being a woman, the best way you would be able to get to your man won't be by attacking him head on and doing it in any controlling way. Remember that your aim is to help him so you have to do what you have to do. Ask him how many sticks he smokes in a day. Let's say he does about 10 sticks. Your aim won't be to stop him once, it'll be to reduce the amount little by little until he is down to zero sticks in a day. It will take time but this definitely works. So you can start by monitoring him and regulating he's smoking time. Or at least teach him how he would do it on he's own in case you aren't around. reduce the number every week or two by 1 or 2 sticks. Keep at it until he gets used to smoking fewer sticks.
     Also remember that people that suffer from addiction to smoking aren't really addicted to just puffing smoke clouds. It's the nicotine that is addictive. So you can go for other nicotine substitutes that are available these days. There are lots of them, there is the nicotine patch that the doctors fix for you and I think you can buy them these days in you local pharmacies. There are Nicotine gums that are like bubble gums but contain the addictive substance. Then my personal favorite just for the show are the electronic cigarettes, they come as rechargeable cigarettes, you still puff the artificial smoke and still get the feeling of smoking. That to me works very well for people that are willing to stop but are really bad chain smokers.

Some extra tips would be to introduce him to a gym or at least have him start working out. Rigorous exercises aren't possible if you are a smoker so he would be forced to quit to carry on. Please also push him as much as you can to visit the hospital. It is really important he finds out the problem soon and start treating it. Make that your main priority for now.

Finally, everything still depends on he's willingness to stop so you can't kill yourself if he still decides he doesn't want to. All you can do is be there beside him and still try to show him reasons to quit the habit or at least reduce it.

                                                                                                                                              Ralph