Dear Ralph: I thought i'll be happy after pushing him away

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Dear Ralph

I am 20 years old and in a long distance relationship with a 21 years old guy. The thing is that I am in love with another guy.
      Before my boyfriend traveled about 8 months ago,everything was fine but now everything has change. He doesn't call me unless I do, and when I do, all he talks about are things that I don't feel comfortable with like s3x. He knows that I don't feel comfortable about it but when I tell him to stop, he pressures me to also talk about it. I am more close to the guy I have fallen for more than my boyfriend. The guy who is also 20 years told me his intention, that he wants to be with me. I have told him that I am in a relationship but he still insist. The difference between my boyfriend and the guy that I have fallen for is that I feel more comfortable and free with him more than my boyfriend. I can say what I want and joke or misbehave without feeling shy but with my boyfriend, it is the opposite. I confide in my friend more than my boyfriend and he also does the same. He encourages me and I also do the same. The love I feel for my boyfriend is no longer there but because I promised not to hurt him, I am keeping the promise to be with him even if I love someone else. Recently my friend that I love now took a risk to come and see me in the evening ,even though he knew my mum will get angry. Because of the promise I made to my boyfriend, I had to push the guy  away. I have told him not to call me ever again. I thought I would be happy after my decision but no, I am emotionally down, I think of him all the time and I feel guilty for pushing him away. Please I want to know whether I did the right thing or not and also I need an advice. Thank you.

Isabelle










Hello Isabelle.

First of all, I think the long distance is part of the reason why you are falling out of love with your boyfriend.  I think it's a matter of pointing out the problems that you are having with your boyfriend out to him. You both should first of all make an effort to work things out. The truth is that even if you enter another relationship with another person, other issues will arise. You cannot just quit without having tried to work through them, so try your best and talk to your boyfriend, make him understand how uncomfortable he makes you feel around him. If you feel he is being distracted by his new environment and not giving you enough attention then highlight this fact to him. Let him know that you are still here and that he isn't giving you the attention you need. If possible tell him that his lack of attention and neglect towards you is beginning or might be pushing you away towards another person. Let him know that he might loose you. Most likely the reasons you are feeling for this new person is because of the issue you have with your boyfriend. It makes any positive and good treatment you receive from any other person appear to be Love but remember that with time, everyone changes. Instead it's your duty and of cos their duty to fight for what you have. If you know those things you like in your new friend, then why not try to encourage them in your boyfriend? Try to get him to treat you the way you want to be treated. Most importantly try and be happy if he happens to put in any efforts at all.

 It is just normal that when issues arise you begin to see the good in other people. However if you do not make sure that what you are feeling is real and not just due to neglect from your present relationship. The dream will surely fade with time and when it does, you will be stuck in a new relationship that isn't going anywhere either. So just try and sort things out with your bf first. If you however feel like you no more love your bf and you can't do anything about it again. I think the safest thing you should do is to call it quits with your present bf before moving on. Please before you do this, make sure that you absolutely want to go away and that there is nothing again you can do about the relationship. Do not just break up with your man because of how good another person might be treating you. If you can fix things with your man then please do that first.

About your boyfriend talking of s3x every now and then. I honestly do not see that as a problem. It is a discussion that is healthy for people in relationships to have. As long as he isn't forcing himself on you or trying to engage in the act when you aren't ready then I guess it's okay. It's actually needed in relationships. However I would also advice that even if you start being free enough to have the 'adult talk' with your partner, you should not take it too far, if no the urge could come up and you will find yourself engaging in that which you never intended to go into in the first place. Finally this is your choice, I am just saying that it is okay to have the discussions with your man but if you still aren't comfortable with it then just make your point to your man and give him reasons why you do not like talking about it. It will help him understand and respect your decision more. In anything you do, especially disagreements in a relationship, one thing that people tend to neglect is giving reason and it is very important to remember it. No matter what your disagreement is about, give your partner your reason for disagreeing and encourage them to tell you their also. It would help you both resolve matters more quickly and peacefully.

Finally pushing the other person away could have been good or bad. It depends on why you did it. If you pushed him away in order to please your boyfriend then that reason alone isn't so okay but if you did it because it's what you felt was right and you needed it to clear your head and focus on your relationship then I guess you did the right thing. So the question here is, why did you push him away. Was it for the good of the relationship or for just your boyfriend?

Just think through my message and it should help. Remember i'm always here to help you anytime you need the help. Welcome to the family Isabelle. Thanks for writing and take care


Ralph



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