Dear Ralph: Confused

Dear Ralph,
I have this guy I dated but he told me he couldn't marry me. Gave me his reasons. So I accepted, Thanked him for being honest and tried to move on. Thing is, this guy still remains very close to me. Does everything for me like he used to, takes care of my needs and never even misses a call from me. No matter where he is. He's still very caring, still very close, but the "dating" tag has been removed. I don't understand why someone who doesn't see a future with me will still make so much effort to be in my life. Updates me on his movements and travels. Sometimes I wonder if he's confused and I wonder why he still spends so much on me. We are still very close and I obviously still like him. But if I go cold turkey on him, no one else comes even close to matching up to what he does in my life. So I let him be there. Because he's useful. Should I let him go completely? Why does he still act like he cares? Is there hope? Am I stupid?

                                                                                                                                                         Katy











Hello Katy,

First of all, you are not stupid so I need you to get that out of your mind okay? This thing happening to you, although it isn't the best thing, it's perfectly human and normal so we would work through this. Although they are few, there are guys out there who would show you care and do everything for you but not just want anything extra from you. If you guys are "doing it"(s*x), then it might be a friends with benefit thing. He probably just doesn't want any extra strings attached, no tag to it, nothing. He doesn't want a girlfriend or a relationship so he would feel free but still needs a female around him that he can be that close to. I feel he wants that feeling of freedom.

I personally think that you should let go if there is nothing you can do to get back to him again because it might not be healthy for you. Look at it this way, you are comparing everybody else to him right now and you are seeing that no other person comes close to him. Picture him finding someone and getting married soon, or just moving on with his life. You would still be stuck on him and would find it hard to get a move on with your love life. You need to let go now and start dealing with the fact that he might not be there again. Hopefully when you mention that you need to move on without him, if he really wants you he would come out with it and if he doesn't you would also get to know. You can only try as hard as you can, if you still want him and think you both stand a chance, you can also choose to be the one to speak up about it. At least just get it off your chest and see what he says about it.

I also suggest that you bring this up with him and clear the confusion surrounding the reason why he still treats you like his girlfriend. Ask him where you both are with this whole thing, that you don't understand why he still cares for you the way he does. He has to know that his constant show of care and affection is getting you confused and you don't know if to move forward or hang on and wait for him. Tell him that you both have to make a decision for you and for him, for the sake of you both. Talk this out with him so that you both can make a decision and move on.

I know that attention and every other benefit he gives you isn't going to be easy to let go of but you have to do what's right. Think of this well and see that it's a dangerous road that you are walking. It might be okay today but in the long run the turnout could fall on you. You might not be able to get over him in time. Seeing that you are already attached so much to him and in comparison you don't see any other person like him. I would suggest that if it won't work between the both of you, you start now to get over him and give another person a chance. Truth is that you would still find someone else if this doesn't work out. Try to break away from that need to compare others to him if not you might find it hard meeting a new person. A guy can be really good but if you set certain standards due to your past, you won't get to appreciate what they have to offer.

Just take it easy and take your time to talk to him. You won't find it easy getting over him but with time you will definitely adjust, I can always help out and give you tips on how to move on when the time comes.

                                                                                                                                                         Ralph