Dear Ralph: I need to stop being Jealous

Hello Raphael,
       I've been dating a girl since July 15th 2010 and like 9 months into our relationship she cheated on me with some guy. We got over it then and I thought it would be an awesome idea to get even, well she found out then. Fast forward to about 3 year later and she cheated on me again with a colleague at work, her fellow banker. I found out because I stumbled on a discussion the were having on her messenger in her phone. I've been having issues trusting her since then. She says I am jealous and I don't know, sometimes I feel like maybe it's me. I also feel that somehow, maybe if all these things didn't happen I wouldn't always be so paranoid. How do I move on and stop acting all jealous and paranoid because I don't want to end up miserable. I think I am too emotional, I have a problem of letting go. I have even plan on getting married to her soon but the thoughts just keep playing in my head. I am scared this might happen again and I don't want that. I started noticing that she spends all day on her phone, chatting with some guy and when I told her that I didn't like it, it turned to a fight. Not physical of cos. I just feel bad with myself and feel like maybe i'm being too jealous. Please advice.

                                                                                                                                                           John












Dear John,
        I think what you feel is absolutely normal. You need to realize that emotional pain lasts a lot longer than physical pain and can linger on for years. These memories and remembrances of hurtful things that have happened are triggered on their own. You don't choose to remember, they come up on their own. So you have to understand that it is going to take you some time to get over this. The fact that it was done twice is another contributing factor to the challenge you are facing now. It won't be easy for you to just get over it or to simply wish it away. Regardless, you should also know that even though it takes a longer time, it would still heal. You are definitely going to get over this, just give yourself a little time. I wouldn't exactly say that you are jealous, you are just reacting as you should to this.

The fact that she is still acting kind of suspicious through her chats with other men is another thing that would make it hard for you to get over this. Her actions are going to keep creating that fear in your mind that she could easily do anything at any time. For your healing process to go well, she would have to show you genuine remorse, she has to show you proof that she is willing to change and not do what she did again. Trust has to be gained again and it take time, if she isn't willing to drop everything and work with you on this, you both would find it hard to make this work. So my suggestion is that you sit her down and explain these facts to her, make her know the effects that her actions are causing and how it is hindering you both from moving on from what has happened. I know it would look strange bringing this up after so long but you can't keep bottling things up. If you simply fight with her without explaining how you feel, she would misread your intentions. She won't get to understand, so try to do your part and explain to her as much as possible.

Remember, as I always say to everyone, marriage is serious business. You have to sort your differences out and be sure that the flaws and issues left are the ones you both can deal with for a life time. If you cannot deal with her having chats with guys all the time for the rest of your life, then I think you should really talk to her. You both should know where you are with our relationship and try to make a decision to work hard on it. It takes some serious energy and determination but you both can do this if you are willing. There is hope for your relationship.

Trust isn't easy to gain back a second time, it is going to take some serious time. You will keep remembering everything that has happened. Give yourself time and table issues as soon as possible. When you have said yours then you can put in time and energy and try to move on. At a point, if you want this to work you just have to make up your mind to forget about the past and choose to trust.

I really hope you get to make the right decision. Take care for now. Hit me up when you need extra help. Finally, please don't retaliate with the same action again. It's never good to do that. Just always learn to take the higher road and be the bigger person.

                                                                                                                                                        Ralph