Dear Ralph: My hot headed Boyfriend

Hi Ralph,
     My boyfriend is so rude and hot headed, I love him so much and we've had our good times and all but then we fight a lot. Right now we are not on talking terms and his pride takes the best of everything. We have been dating for about 3 years now and it has been the same thing throughout the length of our relationship so far. The recent problem started when I want to see him and I found some "rubbers" in his room. I asked him why he got them while I wasn't with him. One argument led to the other and we went to bed not speaking to each other. The next 3 days I was to travel back to Benin and throughout my stay he was giving me an attitude.
He started saying things like, if I want him to now kill himself because I am angry. I felt so bad and disrespected by his statement, when I told him I had made it safely to Benin he simply answered me with "Thank God" and since then we have not spoken, it's been two days now. I also refused to reach out to him because I have my right to be angry also. I do admit that he has changed a lot since we started dating, things have actually gotten a lot better if I look back at the way he used to be but he still has to improve. The character is still very present and he needs to work on it. He thinks he is the Lord and master over me, don't get me wrong, he is a good guy but with a nasty attitude. I just keep praying that he changes because I don't want to go into marriage with him like this. I know I have a hot head also but we can't be angry together so I try to stay calm when it comes to him. Please help, all this is just really exhausting.

                                                                                                                                                     Anita .J










Hello Anita
       We guys can be stubborn right? I understand what you mean, I only just ask for your forgiveness on behalf of him and beg for your patience so we can sort through these things. It is me o! It is Ralph o! Just forgive for my sake. Lol.
   All right now see how I want you to look at this. You know the way you might be practicing for something and a teacher or a mentor comes and tells you how you are doing a good job but that you have some space for improvement. Do you remember how that appreciation for your efforts can really push you to keep striving for what you are working on. Even if it's just to improve and have the person complement you again. You see what they do? How he/she complements you but still makes you work harder. That's how I want you to handle this, sometimes the key is correction through appreciation.

You have to show him that you both have come a long way and that you remember the way things used to be when he got angry. Show him how frequently he used to get angry and the kind of things he used to do back then, then compare it to the present. Show him that you really feel happy that you both have come this far and that he has been able to improve to the extent that he has. You have to do this before you tell him that he still has to take things easy. Tell him that you appreciate and see his efforts but that he is still going to improve some more and that you are with him through it all. He is really going to appreciate this and even if he doesn't say it to your face, be rest assured that it would move him to start making changes.
      You can also choose to express to him, the way his behavior and attitude towards you when he is angry affects you. If he has a bad choice of words then also tell him about it. Don't forget to still remind him that you know he has been trying so far. It's like heating him up then cooling him down again so he doesn't get too angry and ruin all your efforts. Make sure to bring up  the issues of how he tries to Lord over you and express to him that it is pushing you away. He has to know these things and exactly how you feel about them, if not he won't be able to understand well and make the necessary changes.

It is a matter of patience, you both would make it through this. It's been 3 years and you said it yourself that things have changed. Imagine how much more he would change if you talk to him in a manner that gets to him and in a way he would understand and listen. You would definitely notice more change over time. Don't give up, relationships require constant work, they all have their difficulties and this is yours. I need you to be strong and do what you can to make things good.

Let me know how it goes, I really hope things work out for the both of you. Hit me up later if you need any extra help and I'll be more than willing to help. Take care for now.

                                                                                                                                                         Ralph