Dear Ralph: My man confessed he wanted to cheat

Dear Ralph,

        I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 9 months now. We used to be very happy and everything seemed perfect. I never suspected anything until a couple of weeks ago when he opened up to me and told me that he almost cheated on my one night that he went clubbing with friends. According to him, it's not like something has gone wrong in our relationship. He says that he is perfectly happy and wouldn't change anything. Our bedroom intimacy is still top level. He says there is absolutely nothing wrong but that for some reason he almost still cheated on me. He had too much to drink that night and was dancing when some girl started flirting with him. He said that he didn't even try to push her away for a second and started dancing really close to her. His friends never tried to stop him and cheered him on I guess and he kept on dancing with her. He then told me that she followed him outside when he was leaving and started discussing with him, she got into his car and she told him that her house was free and that he could sleep over at her place if he wanted to. According to him he didn't answer and he started the car and drove to her place. He said that when he got there, he couldn't bring himself to go up into the house with her. She left and said she understood and that he shouldn't worry that there is enough time for them then left him. That particular night I remember he called me when he got back home around 3 a.m and spoke to me. I suspected something because he was telling how much he loved me over and over again. At first it sounded sweet but I noticed something was off even though I was feeling sleepy, he later came over the next day and told me everything. The girl still calls him and he still picks up but tries to keep her away, I know because he does it in front of me. He has never been someone to cheat or even get close to doing it and this was what I used to admire in him. Now I am really scared and don't know what to do, it seems he is as weak as every other man out there. I don't know if I should wait to get my heart broken or just leave at once and avoid it. Help me with an advice. Thanks

                                                                                                                                                        Vivian

Dear Vivian,

          I understand how surprised and heart broken you might have been. I know how difficult this can be for you to accept seeing the amount of trust you have put in him and how vulnerable he turned out to be in this situation. But I don't think you should see him as a weak person, not at all. In my books I think he is one of the strongest men out there. Why? well just think about it. He could have easily gone into the house with the girl that has been giving him "full beam green light" through the night and done what he wanted and then you would never hear about it. He could carry on like nothing ever happened and you wouldn't suspect anything. And if eventually you begin to suspect, it is either your trust for him makes you doubt your instincts and if things later fall out and you find out, you would end up very hurt. 

     He also came back and told you about everything that happened the previous night. He could have still kept it to himself if he didn't want you to know, even if he still doesn't want to carry on and do anything with the girl. But he came out and told you everything that happened the previous day. He didn't wait for days to pass, he immediately knew that he had to open up to you, that means he trusts you to tell you anything. He accepted his mistakes and came back to talk to you and not any other person. I don't think your man is a weak man at all because he was able to control himself even when under the influence of alcohol. Most men would give in at that point and you wouldn't hear anything about it later on. When you get to hear it, it would be too late

     The good thing is that you both have established a very good level of communication and that is the reason he can talk to you. Do not take that away by changing your attitude towards him. Instead I think you should show him gratitude that he told you. Encourage him that he can always talk to you when he feels he is slipping up. Because truth be told, we are all humans and we are capable of mistakes so that constant reminder and having someone checking on us is very good and highly needed. This is the way you would be able to know what he is up to most times. Get closer to him and you both should work together and know if there is something missing in the relationship that you both are over looking. If there is nothing then just keep working on overcoming the temptations when they present themselves.

Something you could do would be to tell him that you see the girl as a threat. Let him know that you would appreciate it if he cuts the girl out of his life. Let him know that since the girl was able to get him that close to cheating that you are afraid of what would happen if he doesn't control himself next time. Do not let him put himself into temptation. Express your fears and concerns to him. You would constantly still remember what almost happened and you might get pissed off once in a while but instead of letting it linger and maybe causing a problem later on. Just express your feelings to him and let him how you feel each time you remember it. That would be the best way to keep pushing it away until you can suppress the memory totally. 

If you decide to leave, the truth is that I cannot guarantee you would find someone better, although there just might be a possibility, but it's a big risk. I am not asking you to stay with him just because you might not find someone else. I am just saying you should consider everything you have with him and if you want to leave him for a mistake he hasn't made yet. But if you still do decide to leave then I guess you would have your very good reasons. The thing is that only you knows what you would be able to handle. If you can't handle the possibility of that he might cheat one day and feel he is now vulnerable then I guess you have your reasons right there.

I think you have a really good relationship so do not carry on with the mind that something might or will later go wrong. Instead look for a way to make sure things stay right with the both of you. Do not be scared my dear, just take things easy and approach this calmly. You would be fine. Take care for now and remember i'll always be here for some extra help. 

                                                                                                                                                       Ralph