Dear Ralph: Am I making the right decision?

Hello Ralph,
        Hope you are doing okay, without wasting your time I want to go straight to my problem. I am confused about a decision that I need to make because of pressure from my friends and some members of my family. You see I have been with my boyfriend since we were in the university. We have argued, made up, fought and laughed together. We love each other deeply and thought we were inseparable. The problem is that he comes from a poor background. I never minded this, truth be told I was the person that took care of him through his schooling and never complained. He was always very grateful and treated me no different regardless which I admired very much. I saw and believed in his abilities, his talents. He is a very smart man and I still see potential in him. But it has been three years since we got out of school and he still hasn't gotten a job yet.
I know he tries very hard every single day to look for something doing, it is just that the luck is never shining for him. Just last 2 months he proposed to me and I was so excited that I agreed. I never used to like very expensive things and I understood his situation so I never disturbed him, so for that the little ring he bought was very cute to me. This is me just trying to explain the way things are with us. I announced the news of my engagement to my friends and family and most of them seemed to frown at this. They have always told me that I do not have a future with him and I thought they would eventually stop. Now things are getting more serious, they are beginning to show me things that I would need in a marriage. Like money to take care of my children and myself. How I won't be able to carry the whole family alone. I do not come from a very rich background but we are very okay, we afford to take care of ourselves. I just feel there is so much a person can carry on her own. I recently started thinking of what they have been saying and I have been confused. There is truth in what they say, I do believe in my man but I don't know if it is right entering a marriage with him. I feel I would be frustrated out of it in no time if he doesn't begin to handle himself. I just need you to help me out a little here. I don't know if I should go ahead and marry him and risk an unhappy home or if I should go my own way and risk never finding someone as good as he is. Thank you Ralph.


                                                                                                                                                       Jewel








Dear Jewel
         It really depends on what you would be able to handle. You should remember to think about what could happen in the long run. You have already analyzed the decisions and their possible effects so I would just highlight a couple of things more for you. Hopefully some of it would help you make better decisions.

Ask yourself if you were happy before your friends and family started talking to you about the possible consequences. Had the both of you made plans already on how to work out the problems that you are facing? Yes money is very important, I am not going to tell you it isn't. All I would say is that there are also other things that are important apart from the money, like love and understanding.

You believe in him and his talents so I think you should give him a little more time. If there is a way you or someone you know can help him secure something doing for now then talk to him about it and see if he is willing to go for it. The truth is that all relationships have their problems, if it isn't a financial problem then it would be something else. If this is your only problem and you see a possibility that he could overcome this and be someone tomorrow then I think you should give him a little more time. Help him to grow his skills and always be there for him. Encourage him because you could never know, the reason he might be getting up every single day to go look for a job could be because you are still there for him acting as a source of inspiration and motivation to him. He is at least making an effort to set things right not just sitting down and leaving everything to you.

If you believe you cannot handle it and you fear he may never get a job or be financially independent then it is fine. It is really hard to carry all that burden alone and so far you have done a good job. If you decide to leave because of this then I guess it is better, instead of staying frustrated in a marriage or a relationship. There is a possibility that you would find someone else that would be able to take care of your financial needs the way you want it. But remember that as I said before, it is a guarantee that something else would be the problem. I am saying this because it is just natural, all relationships have a problem that they suffer and as I said before, It all depends on what you can handle.

Finally the ball is in your court. All you can do is to try and make the decisions based on your own reasons and not what your people or friends might be telling you. Be with your man alone and do not let what others want determine your life decision. It is your relationship, you and your man should decide on what to do by yourselves without any external influence. If it is possible give the marriage a little time before organizing anything to know if you both would make any progress in his situation.

Be strong my dear. Life isn't easy, but it is definitely possible to live through it. Take things slowly and do not make a hasty decision. I would be here for you when you need any extra help. Take care for now and welcome to the family. Take whatever you need from our fridge.

                                                                                                                                                       Ralph