Dear Ralph: He isn't a man of his own

Dear Ralph,
        I have been seeing my boyfriend for 5 years now and we are set to get married soon. Although he hasn't proposed but we always talk about marriage plans and make family decisions and the rest. I love him very much but there is something about him that annoys me. I think his mother controls him too much. He listens to her too much and because of that, I fear that he wouldn't listen to me after we are married. It is as if he is scared of her and would do anything she wants when she commands it. I am a very outgoing person and I know he is also, but his mother would never let him make a step out of the house on her watch. He still lives in her house and the way she controls him freaks me out.
We are adults and I thought he would be mature enough to make decisions on his own but it isn't so. We are talking about a 28 year old man here mind you. If I am to become his wife, I feel I wouldn't be able to control him the way I want. I have seen where these kind of things cause problems in families and I know the way I can be when I don't get what I want. One day we were all set to go out, it wasn't even up to 7 p.m and he went to tell his mum where he was going to. She didn't ask him and he just went to tell her and I got to understand that it is the way he behaves all the time. She refused us going out that day and I went home angry and annoyed. I also think he has noticed how angry I get when he brings up his mum having to give permission for us to do something and he has now started lying. Instead of telling me the truth he would bring up excuses so we won't go out or do other things. I love him and want to marry him  but I need to know how I can be the person controlling him and not his mum. Help me with any advice.

                                                                                                                                                          Lisa













Dear Lisa,
        It could be really difficult changing a man's mind when he is this close to his mum. It w
could look like you want to steal him from his original family if you don't show your true intentions well,or else stealing him from his family is your intention. So I would say what I can, but you need to be careful when taking my tips so that your intentions wouldn't be misread.

First of all I think you should try and understand what makes him that close to his mum. If it is by observing him or speaking to him, just find out the reason behind this oddly close bond that they share. That way you would get to understand if there is something else happening that you might not understand or if it is just the way he was brought up. You would also get to know if he is scared of his mum or just simply respect her. By finding these things out you would know better how to tackle each problem depending on which one it is. It could be a whole lot of other things so just keep an open mind. It could be because he still stays under her roof and feels he has to respect her until he get his own place. So the best thing would be to bring this up with him.

I don't think you want to keep a mind state of him being "controlled". Most times most people who perceive others like this, when all other choices of pulling them out of the so-called control fails. The next option would be to gain a higher control over them. You then risk loosing respect for your man and his family and vice-versa because there is a big possibility you wouldn't be able to steal him from his mum. Instead as I said before, you should try and understand what it is that is actually happening and if it is really bad then look for a way to help him gain his own control as a man. How to be independent and make independent decisions on his own. Do not make it look like a thug of war for who would control him.

All this would take time so you need to be patient. When you find out what is actually happening then just try to concentrate more on setting things right. This is something he is already used to so you have to understand that he won't easily change. He has to see and understand the consequences of the decisions he makes for him to know that a change is necessary and the person in the position to show him all these things is you. The best way I know would be to tell him directly what you feel will happen and with good reasons and examples so he understands more. He needs to know that if he is to be a family man tomorrow then that the decision making would have to lie on you and him and not his mum. As you can see, getting angry at him would only cause him to start pulling back and lying to you instead, so you need to try the soft way now.

I hope things work out for the both of you. Do not get tired just yet, okay? Just do what you have to do for the man you love. Sorry for the late reply and I hope to hear from you soon. Take care for now.

                                               
                                                                                                                                                        Ralph