Dear Ralph: Urgent Help needed

Hi Ralph,
well done for the good job you are doing. I Came across your blog from LIB I think and I have been addicted ever since.
        Let me go straight to the point. Got married this year July n am ashamed to say it feels like i want out. Before I go further I just want to let all single ladies know that d grass ain't greener at the other side and don't be in a haste to get married.
    Now I met my husband on a dating program and we didn't date for so long. We met Oct last year. Yeah I guess I didn't take too much time to know him, plus I let pressure cloud most of my judgement about him. Its like we belong to two separate worlds. He can vex for Africa. I used to be the one who had mood swings and get annoyed easily but reverse is the case now.
We both are Yoruba. You can't believe that since he got married to me he hasn't visited my parents for once,though we don't stay in the same city but not withstanding. I don't have a job because he asked me to resign that he'd be paying me monthly since my job wasn't where we reside. Since then he hasn't given me a dime. He's always finding fault in all I do, I can't even visit my parents and that's whats hurting me the most. He doesn't allow me visits,except for a friend of of mine. I am ALWAYS apologizing when there's any issue in the house, not like I am weak but at a time when I tried not to apologize we went on for over a week without speaking to each other, I had to break the silence at last and that's because I can't keep malice at all even during my uni days and I see it as one of my weakness. For him he said he can go a year without speaking to someone.
     Ralph honestly am tired. I Have cried, prayed, talked but yet its same. He has his good side no doubt but when he shows the other side it weighs me down. I really don't know what to do any longer because even now we ain't talking because of some flimsy thing. Am tired of being the one talking all the time about issues. I really wish I could have waited more before settling down. Now I want to find something doing to occupy my time before I give birth because i'm pregnant. Sorry for d long story but really I still feel like going on because my heart is really heavy.

Am seriously losing it and I think I might just run away or something because no week goes by without a quarrel with him. I know d early stage could be frustrating but dis is too much for me and am still too young for all this
 Have a blessed day.

                                                                                                                                           Anonymous









Dear anonymous,
           I am deeply sorry to hear about the mess you are in and what you are going through in your home. I want to start by saying that everything is going to be okay, so just calm down and think of the suggestions I want to make. Let me first ask a couple of questions. Is there anything you have done in the past to change he's character that he is trying to pay you back for? Has he always been like this or did he suddenly change? Has he tried to hint at what the problem might be, why he restricts you so much? Is there a big age gap between you two? Does he have problem with your family? Does he think you love your original family more than him and is placing these restrictions on you because he doesn't know a better way to control it? Is he feeling insecure about something?
          I personally think you should find out from him why he acts the way he does, I know you are tired of being the one to always do the talking but I ask you to be a little more patient. Find out if there is anything that he is hiding from you or if there is anything he has been angry about. Ask him the things you do to annoy him and listen to what he has to say. You know your husband best and you know the best way to talk to him and get him to open up but I always advice people on a more gentle approach to situations. Hopefully he would tell you and you both can start correcting things one after the other. It isn't good to be scared in your marriage but I understand your reason for the fear, the constant tension in the house is bound to create that feeling. But you still have to be strong and fight it. Open up and tell him of how the heated arguments are causing your health to deteriorate and let him know that it could affect the baby. He needs to know every single effect of the disputes so don't be afraid to let him know. At least he isn't violent so he would only talk but pour your heart out.
Also if he points out any problem with you, don't argue at first when he says them even if he is wrong, just listen until he let's it all out. Let him know that you understand what he has explained,  then go ahead and EXPLAIN any thing he might be getting wrong.
         
         The constant quarrel is taking a toll on you and you really need to be in a place with a more positive energy. For your own health and for the health of your child. So I think you should talk him into letting you stay with your mum for the duration of the pregnancy.If possible I think this is a time you can involve your mum or dad, let them call him and tell him to allow you come stay with them for some time. I don't usually advice people to let their parents into their relationship problems but I really think you need it right now, I think this can be an exception. The distance and time away from each other would help you to get your head straight and know what you both want from this relationship. It would also give you time to focus on things to do and keep your body and mind busy and away from the troubles of the marriage. If he would understand then you both can use the time apart to get to know each other better and revise certain rules in your home.
      The restriction from friends is really too extreme and I think it is something you should bring up also when you both talk. Let him tell you why he doesn't want you to see your friends, if there is anything he feels about any of your friends that's making him restrict you then he should let it out. But still let him know that it is best to offer you advice and talk things over instead of dictating things for you. I would also advice you to invest some time in planning something to do after you deliver. Even if it is taking up tailoring classes. Just anything at all, it isn't good to be without a thing doing and according to you he promised to pay you monthly but you don't see any money. So I think you should start thinking of your own way of getting what you need.

Be strong for now and please take things easy, tomorrow will be a better day. If there is any new information or development you can let me know and I would be glad to keep doing what I can to help you out in your marriage. Concentrate on your little one for now and on how to remain happy and positive. I wish you safe delivery when you are due and say hi to the baby for me :-)

                                                                                                                                                        Ralph