Dear Ralph: Please Help, My husband still hits me ( Update)

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Hello Ralph, 

Thank you for your prompt response. I really appreciate it. 

No, he does not hit me regularly but this is the 5th time since we got married. The first time was a day before my daughter's dedication. he had compared me with other women and I got upset and using my fingers, I started to poke at his chest saying he should not compare me to others. I know I was wrong as he got angry and beat me up almost to stupor. The 2nd time was when I was pregnant with my first son. He kept hitting me and I can't remember what caused it now. The 3rd time was when I tried to stop him from beating my son when he was barely 2 years old at midnight. He woke up crying and my husband got angry and wanted to beat him. I stood in his way and he beat me instead. The 4th time I can't remember what happened but he beat me up so bad I could not get up. I asked my daughter to get my phone and I called a couple to help me. This last time, we had gone in separate cars to help sort out our friends marriage.
He drove home faster and by the time I got home, I saw my mother in law looking for her spiritual bracelet from T.B Joshua church. I started to help to look for it. My children all denied knowing where it was. So my daughter then claimed to have seen my mother in law with the bracelet in her room. I hurriedly and excitedly went to tell her thinking she would be happy to know we can at least concentrate on the room. But she got very angry and screamed that it must me my daughter who took it. She started saying we were all evil and thieves. All of a sudden the kids brought it from my son's room. She got livid, got a belt and started beating them. I came and stood in her way and she warned me to get out. I tried to talk her down but she said I was training thieves and she has a right to discipline them. I told her they were my kids as she has hers too. She kept screaming and started using the belt on me until my husband came and said I should come out of the way. I followed him to his room where he started explaining that they had asked the kids and they denied seeing or knowing the bracelet. I realized it was truly my daughter who took it and hid it as a game. She used to do it with the maid's phone and I warned her to stop. She then decided to play the trick on my mother in law. As we were talking, she barged into the room and started screaming at me, I told her I'm sorry but it was because she called them evil. We went on going back and forth and then she lied in front of my husband that I told her to go and train her children. I got so upset at her that she could lie that way and in my anger, I said, " ma, please go away". That was when my husband pounced on me and started beating me saying he will throw me out of the house. I ran out. 

The second question: the mum knows well. She does not live with her husband and has been with us for a year now. 

I don't approach rudely but it is as if my very presence is rude to him. 

It started as we got married, which I regret so much now. 

Some background info:

I am from a wealthy family. I studied abroad and as I got married, he pushed me to being a housewife. His mum hates me for my background and she always brings it up in any conversation. 

Thank you so much.

                                                                                                                                                    Ebony
















Dear Ebony,
        There seems to be a lot of bad energy between you and your husband and his family. First of all I want to say that no matter what, violence has to stop. You will have to iron out this particular issue with your husband and have him know that you cannot keep accepting his violence. One day it might get out of hand and he would really damage you beyond recovery. He needs to learn to control his temper around you.

From what I have gathered, it seems you and your family live with your mother in-law. Although your husband might have his reasons but you both might want to consider a possibility of her moving. It seems her presence adds a little extra to the problems that you already face in the family. If it is possible then let her move. It would help you and your husband at least be alone and sort out your immediate problems without any external influence or factors attached. Sort out your problems together without the input of any other person like your parents or any other person, it would go a long way in helping you out in this situation. But for the while that your mother in-law stays there with you both, please just watch what you say. Try to be a little bit more careful and realize the situation you are in. Keep your kids closer to you and try to stay out of trouble, don't say anything that would cause a problem and keep your kids from playing too much with her properties. Just mark a boundary for now, I know it's your house but just to be safe, do this, "FOR NOW". At least until you both sort out if she is staying or going.

I would suggest that you involve your own parents if things keep going the way they are. Let them know the way things are in the family and that you might not be able to keep taking this. Let you and your husband with both your parents sit and discuss this issues. Even though yes you were pushed into marriage and being a house wife, I don't think the idea was to go into the marriage and get physically abused.

One other thing I want you to do on your own, sit and actually check yourself. Tell yourself truthfully if some of your acts push your husband to do what he does. It could be that to him, you really push him to a point that he just can't hold back. Once this starts happening in a relationship and the man notices that it is the only way to keep you in check, then he would keep doing it. Even if the man is uncomfortable with it, he would try it out again and again once in a while to "put things in order". But it's only a matter of time before he gets too used to it and starts doing it even when it isn't called for. So at least to be clear on your own side, make sure that you aren't the cause of this in any way. Like you poking him in the chest, he might have taken it as a challenge and had to react. If you do provoke him to hit you then look for those things you do and change those habits. If you do not then at least you would know that your side is covered and that the fault isn't from you. So take your time and think to yourself.

If need be, you might consider taking a little time out to clear your head. There is just so much that a person can take, so before you break down or loose it then cause more damage, take a little time out. Try to do something you love, concentrate on your kids, try to start a career just in case things go south. I really hope this works out for you, but be strong, please contact me again and i'll keep helping out as much as I can. I am always available. Welcome to the Family Ebony.

                                                                                                                                                       Ralph