Dear Ralph: The night before my wedding

Dear Ralph,
          Please help me sort this out. My heart is being eaten with guilt, I don't think I can go on like this. I am married to the woman I have always loved for 7 years. Throughout our dating years I was always faithful to her but she cheated on me 3 different times with a particular man. I forgave her each time after she cried to me and we moved on. It is not like I am not wanted, as a matter of fact I am wanted by even her friends but I chose to keep myself. She loves me, I know that she does and I love her too. It's just that people make mistakes and she happened to make 1 mistake up to 3 times. I didn't know this thing was still affecting me, I thought I had gotten over this. As our wedding drew closer I found myself more frustrated at her and I knew it was coming from her past infidelities and my fear of her still doing it after our wedding. We quarreled a lot during that period and we even called the wedding off a couple of times. We finally decided to set a date and I decided to stop causing problems for us and just keep quiet about things. As the bachelors eve came, the groomsmen organized some strippers and I usually wouldn't agree to this but I found myself a little more relaxed and eager to participate.
After some time the bridesmaids and my wife joined us in the party and a lot of booze was going around, I wasn't holding back. My wife later left to get enough rest before the wedding but some of the bridesmaids stayed back. I was kind of wasted that night or that is what I keep telling myself but I know better. On our way back home as I was dropping off some of the bridesmaids, her friend was the last one remaining in the car. It was one of her good friends that always had her eyes on me, before I knew what I was doing, I was already at it with her. I knew what I was doing truth be told because somewhere deep inside me I was still frustrated and wanted to get even with my wife. We got married the next day but I was so uncomfortable each time I looked over at the bridal train or at my wife. It has been a month since our wedding and I still feel horrible, I can't bring myself to try and make a child with my wife and she is getting worried. She doesn't deserve this and I don't know how to make the guilt go away. The girl that I had something with has carried on like nothing ever happened and has never mentioned a word about this to me again. I feel very guilty now. I shouldn't have done this. I was very wrong.

                                                                                                                                             Anonymous














Dear Anonymous,
         The most important thing right now is that you have acknowledged your wrong and you mean to correct things. It isn't going to be easy but it is very much possible to get things right again.

The only way for you to get this off your chest once and for all would be to tell your wife. I think she deserves to know the truth about what happened. It would hurt her and the bitter truth is that you stand a chance of losing her but it is the right thing to do. You cannot live like this and build a home based on lies. You both would need to face this particular issue and sort it out. Let her know why you did it and how you felt about what she had done. Let her know your true feelings. Do not mask things and pretend that they are okay when you are hurting inside. Even if it means tearing the roof down with your voice, do not let these things linger in your heart. They would mature and grow into something horrible, you would make mistakes because of them as you can see. Stop holding back and learn to tell your woman when she hurts you and if after one talk you still aren't satisfied, talk to her again and again. Until you are completely fine, do not feel like you need to start keeping some emotions locked up, especially these kind.

Another thing that could be putting you off is her friend who is saying nothing to you. You might not know it but you could be afraid that she would open up to your wife one day out of the same guilt you are feeling and you wouldn't know. And if you never thought that it was possible then at least now you know. Do not make the mistake of going to strike a deal or oath of silence with her, no! If she comes with the idea then do not agree to it. If you must speak to her then it would be to tell her that you are about to tell your wife about what happened and do not let her talk you out of it if she wants to. Also the sooner you tell your wife the better because you wouldn't know when her friend might decide to do it herself. If your wife hears it from her, things would be a lot worse for you. So think about this point also.

Two wrong would never make a right my friend. Please do not let yourself fall into any kind of temptation again. Sort things out with your woman and keep at it until you are sure you are no more mad. Sometimes it isn't okay to just let go and lock some emotions up. The pain is real and the effects of it are just as real. Let it out and let your woman know how you feel when she wrongs you, encourage her to do the same. It is the only way you would be able to get over things. You are a good man and you made a mistake, it was a bad timing and a wrong call. But focus on moving forward with your marriage now. Open up to your wife and let her know how sorry you are. The guilt eating you up is already punishing you enough. Get it out and get it over with so you both can start looking for ways to keep your relationship strong and avoid these things.

Take it easy and if your wife gets mad, do not use her own past actions to justify yourself. It won't help things at all. I really hope your wife understands and things work out well for the both you. Take care for now and be strong.

                                                                                                                                                       Ralph