Dear Ralph: He said she is 'just his bestfriend'

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Dear Ralph,

         I am 22 years old and my boyfriend is 27 years. We have been together for 4 months now and I think I love him. He had been asking me out and after about a year of refusing, I decided to give in and just see how it was going to turn out. So far things have been okay between us, he is an okay guy and very loving. He has his faults but we have been able to work through them so far. The main issue why I am writing is because of one girl that he calls his best friend. I am not comfortable with how close they are with each other. She gets to know every single thing happening in his life before I do. The particular thing that disturbs me is how she sleeps over at his house most of the times. It is not like he hides it from me, he feels quite free telling me all these. Just when I feel I have something on him, he opens up so freely and without care and throws me off. She even comes over simply to cook for him. I stay up all night worrying and I feel tempted to call his phone, the few times I do call he never picks up. He says he keeps his phone on silent at night, although I have confirmed this on the days I sleep over at his house but I still am not comfortable. We are just 4 months into the relationship and I don't want to seem too pushy or possessive. I don't know how to go about this. I don't know if he is cheating or if she is just a friend. Even if she is just a friend, please how do I get him to limit their closeness. Also, is it even okay for a guy to have a best friend that isn't his girlfriend?


Sugar Sweetness















Dear Sugar Sweetness,
                  I understand how this situation might be for you but I just need you to calm down so we can work through this. With how young the relationship I can relate to your fear of appearing too pushy if you speak up to soon, however as I have advised many other people, the key might only lie in your manner of approach.

I personally wouldn't say that it is okay or not for a guy to have a female best friend when he is dating someone else. However I do know that it is extremely difficult to handle such situations if you are the girlfriend. Also it would be kind of difficult for the guy to maintain the 'just best friends' status for long or else he has some serious self control. With a lady being readily available, it is easy to fall into temptation when his relationship is having issues. It doesn't have to be premeditated but just the fact that he has someone else he talks to and opens up to could be a problem. However I also know it totally depends on the guy, your man might be different so get to know first before judging or acting. Most times I find it better that a guy or a girl make their significant other their opposite sex 'bestie'. This would help eliminate jealousy and many other issues that might come up with the friendship/love triangle. I will give you some options you might use to tackle this issue

Firstly you might want to take the direct approach and just speak up to him. Politely let him know that you feel like you come second to him only after his best friend. Express to him how insecure he is making you feel. If things keep up like this and you don't clear the air, the relationship might suffer from suspicion and lack of trust from your end and once things start getting that bad, you might find yourself in a bitter relationship or a short one. So open up and let him know how you feel about everything. The secret in getting him to act on what you say is to not sound too controlling, rather you should sound concerned for the relationship. He needs to understand that your interest is for the both of you and not just for you alone. He has to understand that you are speaking to him out of love and because you don't want to loose what you both have. If possible mention to him that you aren't trying to take his best friends place but only mention this if you truly do not mind the other girls position and general presence. You have to actually state what you want and not pet your words in other not to sound too possessive.

Secondly You might  decide to just sit and wait for what might happen. Since the relationship is still  young, you might just decide to wait to see if things would change or till you have an evidence that something is off about him and his friend. If you decide to take this more sneaky approach. You have to realize that it's most likely going to take a lot more time to clear things up. You might find yourself  sneaking around and snooping through his phones and trying to set traps. You will find yourself waiting to 'catch him' doing something wrong and almost even hoping to catch him so you end your snooping. If he is not a cool person and communication still isn't very much established then you might find this approach to be easier also. This could also lead to wrong judgement and action if you don't read the situation correctly. The good thing about this approach is that you don't have to speak up or be upfront about the situation. You just sit and observe to know how things would turn out.

One other approach would be to get closer to the lady. This could qualify as a sneaky approach also. Just get closer to her and make her feel comfortable around you. Get to know the kind of person she is and know if you are worrying yourself for nothing or if you are right to be worried. If she gets comfortable with you there are so many things that could happen. You could actually talk to her and you will find it better since she is your fellow woman. She could let slip one day if there are any secrets to be kept between she and your man and this is just mentioning a few of the benefits of this approach.


If you do not want the other lady to occupy the position of best friend anymore then you should know it's going to be extremely difficult. Their might be fights and issues before it happens. Also you might find yourself fighting to fill her gap with little to no appreciation from him if you succeed to reduce her presence in your mans life. This would prove to be even more difficult if you and your man do not share the same interests as him and the other lady. However with time and understanding, he might learn to appreciate you. I believe that as long as you do not make it seem like you want to dominate all of his life everything will be okay. Let it be a gradual process and allow him to appreciate you on his own. He needs to learn to cherish you by himself at his own time, trust me this isn't something you want to force on him. And the best way I feel you can do this is just be being yourself and not worrying too much or trying to prove anything.

Just take things easy, you are going to get through this. Try not to over think things. Your relationship is going to be fine. Just take your time and analyze what you have just read. You can also check below for comments from the rest of the AskRalph family. Take care and welcome to the family.



Ralph