Dear Ralph: My big brother and his priorities

Dear Ralph,
        Please help me make some sense out of this because I don't know if i'll ever understand how my elder brother will be acting the way he does. We are a family of 4 boys and 1 girl. My father is paralyzed due to an accident and my sweet mother is out of work. I am the second son in my family and I am in my 200 level in school. My remaining siblings are still in secondary school and the girl is going to be writing her common entrance exams soon.


My elder brother is the only one working for now and he is doing very well for himself. He provides for the family because it's his duty as the first born. Recently he started talking of moving out of the house to go and rent a new house. My mum asked him why and he said that he wants to start making plans for marriage and once he marries he won't be staying in the same house with us. My mum has pleaded with him that he should reconsider marrying for now but he won't listen. I have spoken to him but he never wants to listen. His priority for now is woman. I know that once he enters the marriage that he won't have time to take care of our family again. Once women come into a family everything just spoils. He won't hear me out and just keeps talking rubbish all the time about how I am a child. Please how do I make him see that he is making a wrong decision by going to get married when the family isn't fully stable yet. He is yet to build a house for my mum and he is running to rent house for him and his wife. My dad doesn't have a driver to take him around because of his condition. There are school fees to pay and he isn't even thinking of that one. I hardly have any money in school to feed myself but that is out of the question.  Also he keeps making this annoying sentence of how I am always thinking like a child and that I have refused to grow up and think like a man. Please Ralph what do you advice.

                                                                                                                                                      Franklin










Dear Franklin

        I really understand your concern for the well being of your family and the concern for your education and that of your siblings. However I beg for your patience so that I can tell you how to speak to him and also explain a couple of things to you.

Let me start by asking 2 questions. How old is he and how long has he been dating this girl? I would like for you to get back to me with the answer to these questions. It could be the explanation for this whole thing.

First of all, to be able to get the help that you need from him for your school fees and any other thing you have to try and show some appreciation for what he has done for the family till now. Regardless of the fact that you see it as his duty you have to remember that it is a duty that he chose to carry out. A little appreciation could go a long way in helping the situation of things. Believe me it isn't easy to carry a full family on your own and if all you get is complaints then it's going to make things more difficult. So start by showing him some appreciation. Then after that you can go ahead and speak to him for the things you need. If at any point while speaking to him you do not agree with something that he said then here is what you can do. Politely ask him why he has chosen to do that particular thing and let him explain his reasons to you. If you have any objections then politely and calmly bring them up also. The key here is to stay calm, make sure you ask with actual interest of knowing and not criticizing then state your own objections and points with concrete reasons. This approach will also help you to take care of the view he has of you thinking like a child. Always make it known that you want to help and sort issues out so that there is no need for the both of you to fight.

Also I personally believe that there is nothing wrong with him wanting to settle down. At a point he will have to move out of the house and start another family. So far I am sure he has done a lot for the family but it's also important for him to do some things for himself. You might not know but he could be going through some other tough things that you people know nothing about. If for some other reason you still believe that he shouldn't be getting married still then just take it easy. Use the approach I suggested in the previous paragraph by speaking with him and exchanging opinions and objections peacefully. If you also have any suggestions for him then feel free to let it out in a way that he would be able to listen and consider our words.

I just beg that you at least give a little thought to this again. Try to put yourself in his position and see how things could be for him. It's really not an easy position to be in. Try not to let anybody or anything separate the family bond you people have. Your family needs the both of you during these difficult times and if you both start quarreling now then it might not be so easy for the family. You two should work together and try to understand each other more. If you believe he doesn't listen to you then let him know that he doesn't. As I always say, it's all about your manner of approach and sometimes your timing. If you see him in a happy mood then that might be the best time to talk to him.

Finally I would really advise that if you see something that you can do in school that will be bringing in a little fund for you to take care of some basic needs in school then consider it (as long as it's legal). It could really remove some stress from your brothers shoulders and he could use some of that money to even plan better for the good of the whole family.

Just take things easy and try these things out. Everything is going to workout one way or the other for everybody so just don't worry. I hope you both sort these issues out. Take care for now. Welcome to the family..

Ralph