Dear Ralph: I ruined my home

Hello Mr Ralph,
         I am a mother of 2 children, 34 years old and recently divorced. I and my husband separated because of what I did. I do not blame him, all the blame is mine but I want to know if there is anyway I can get him to speak to me again. As for what happened sir, it isn't something I am proud of and if not for the constant temptation, I would have stopped a long time ago. You see while growing up, I never really had much friends. The people over here in London easily bullied me because of my physical looks and bone structure. I grew up never knowing love but that of my sibling and parents. I only had one brother who I loved very much. I never had any boyfriends or male friends that could help me explore my femininity. I do not want to go into details because I still feel bad about it seeing that it has driven my husband away and looking back at who I was I feel very dirty with myself. Here is what happened.
When I was about 19 years old I started wanting to explore more and more into what it meant to feel loved and the only person around me was my 17 year old brother. We started kissing and shortly after that we started getting into more daring things. He was good at doing it and just something about what we were doing was thrilling. Maybe it was because it was forbidden in my family or something else. All I know is that I loved him very much and I couldn't stop it with him. He was all I had and I was all he had. When our parents leave we would lock ourselves in our room all day if we had nowhere to go. We were being very careful and using protection to make sure nothing gets out of hand. We knew we couldn't end up together so we made a decision to stop immediately one person had to marry. I met my ex husband around when I was 24 but my brother was really jealous. We got married later and to keep things out of blowing out of proportion I agreed to keep sleeping with my brother so he doesn't expose us, truth be told I still enjoyed it. I couldn't keep away from him and as much as I tried to make myself feel for my husband everything I felt for him, I just couldn't.
   Long story short, he eventually found out about I and my brother.Thanks to some carelessness on my own part, a little phone argument at the worst place at the wrongest time and my inability of telling lies. I opened up and told him everything. He left me after that event, he actually tried to stay but couldn't do it and just had to leave. It's been 5 months now and I miss my husband, I have lost all interest in my brother after realizing my mistake and I just want my man and my kids back. The problem is that his mum wouldn't tell me where he is and he never picks my calls. I call him everyday at least 70 times till my battery goes off and then start again when I charge up, for 5 straight months now. Frankly I am exhausted, I am weak to my bones sir. I am desperate and I want the headaches to stop but they can't if I don't stop crying myself to sleep every single day. I cannot eat or do anything and I just want him to know how sorry I am. Please, can you help.

                                                                                                                                              Anonymous












Dear Anonymous,
        You need to calm down first of all. Remember that the most important thing is that you have realized and admitted where you went wrong. But you cannot keep beating yourself up. Crying yourself to sleep every single night is not going to help him change his mind. I understand that you feel bad and can't help it but this is not the way to go about this. Let me give you a couple of tips that could help give you a chance at getting your man to give you a chance.

This might be hard for you but think of my reasons and you might actually understand. You have been calling this man for 5 straight months. Every single day you pick up your phone and keep dialing until you sleep at night, yet he hasn't answered you. But then again he hasn't changed his phone line into one that you cannot reach or blocked your calls, has he? There are two things involved here that could be causing him to do that. Either he wants to torture you, knowing that you would keep calling and probably knowing that you could be dead worried for him and if not for him then at least the kids, so he might want to hurt you for the betrayal and keep you calling when he knows he would never give you another chance. Or, maybe he enjoys the fact that you keep calling because it gives him a little consolation that you still care but he just can't get himself to forgive you yet.
    Now either way, I think you have tried too much to get in contact with him. Maybe it is time to give him a little space and time. It doesn't have to be anything huge, just give him two weeks or a month. Give him a little space before you try to contact him again. When you finally contact him you might want to concentrate more on seeing the kids, let him know that you are their mother and you would just love to see them again. Let him know you do not plan on bothering him. Then if he decides to let it happen, by then you would have a good chance at meeting him and the kids again. Then you can decide if you want to keep contacting him, if you want to have him back still or give it all up. You would have the opportunity to see and talk to him by then at least.
     The space you would give him isn't just so that he would get the opportunity to cool off. You also need the time and space. Take that time off and get yourself to forgive yourself. If you do not forgive yourself for your mistakes then there would be no way for you to move on from this. Living with the guilt is already bad enough for you. Please Just think of this option very well.


I would also tell you that there is a possibility that you might have lost him. If this is the case, and I am not saying it is. But if this is the case, then it would hurt more. The thing is that you have already tortured yourself enough, do not let it drive you to anything dangerous. By then I want you to concentrate on how to see the kids again, lawyers would settle who gets the kids and who would need to do more of the visiting. Your kids are still your kids no matter what so just take consolation in knowing that. If things play out like this, you need to understand how hard it would have been for your man to accept what happened. Chances are that if he just decided to still stay with you and hadn't forgiven you yet. The marriage would either continue but with many lies, deceits and feelings of insecurity surrounding it. Or it could end later with a bigger and messier quarrel.

The mistake has been made my dear. I can only hope you have learnt from them. It isn't the end for you, there is still hope for you to find happiness and I believe that very much. As I said before the only way for you to move on or do what you have to do would be to forgive yourself first. Take it a day at a time and consider the things I just explained to you, consider the options I gave you and take your time making your decision. Take care for now and I hope to hear from you when your mind is made up. I really hope your man finds it in his heart to forgive. Be patient my dear, you really need the patience right now.

                                                                                                                                                     Ralph