Dear Ralph: Lost

The famous DEAR RALPH section of AskRalph blog is dedicated to real people with real life struggles. Ralph deals with everyday life struggles from relationship , marriage , self esteem, Insecurity, Family, Parenting Issues and many more. Generally any trouble you are facing in your life and need a friend or an advice. Feel free to contact me by using the email form you will see when you CLICK THIS LINK  or writing directly to my emails raphaelsblogg@gmail.com or askralphblog@gmail.com if you have an issues you want me to discuss. I would also want to encourage everyone that reads to drop their comments and inputs on the issues. Feel free to object or support any advice I give and drop your own thoughts. It's all in the best interest of the poster and the AskRalph family as a whole. So lend your advice and support through the comments section. It'll be really helpful to the poster. This is one of the main reasons I opened this blog. If you are reading this then I look forward to your participation. Ralph does not....I repeat DOES NOT have all the answers so your opinion counts a lot.... Alright then, let's do this!










Hey Ralph,

I have a problem and I don't know how to go about solving it. My ex cheated on me with his mom's husbands granddaughter (he adopted her mom but I still refer to that as being his family blood or water). He still sees her every weekend and when he comes back he blows my phone up trying to come back to his four year old son and myself, however, he never picks up the phone when our son tries to call him when he's with her, I don't want him back. How do I get him to leave me alone? My mom cheated on my step dad when I was a child and I told him (my ex) many times within the 10 years we were together that if he cheated I could never go back. He calls and texts me telling me he's gonna end his life and he has no where to live but I feel like he made his bed. His family had lied to me. they knew he was cheating the whole time and we live beside his aunt, I'm a good woman, I've been faithful the whole 10 yrs we were together but I started back to work in January and he would say he had to go to work, I would take him and he would leave with her when he got there. The girl that that he cheated with has 5 Children and two of them are mixed. I know in my heart I can't forgive him, If I let him come back I couldn't ever forgive him, we would argue all the time and I know our son or myself and our son deserve better.


Kristy








Dear Kristy,

      I am really sorry to hear of all the troubles you've had to go through with your ex. Dealing with it and having a child to take care of at the same time must be a real task for you. Do not worry at all, everything is going to be fine and i'll help you out with the best advice I can offer so take a deep breath and know that you will be okay.

I see that you have made up your mind to leave him finally and that is one step, I usually would advice for people to try and work things out but your case is quite different and you have specifically asked for a way to make him leave you alone so that is what i'll advice you on.

Getting him to leave you alone might actually mean you staying away from him and having no kind of contact with him until you are satisfied that he won't be able to come back or won't make any attempt to come back at all. I feel the first thing you should do is to put it to him one last time with all evidence of finality and seriousness that you are done with him. He has to know that you have made your final decision and that you aren't going back on it. You have to show him that your resolve is strong and that he can't do anything to change the decision you have made. Let him know you made this decision for your own good and that of the child and that you won't jeopardize the happiness of you both for anything. He also has to know that him ending his life isn't going to cause any blame to fall on you and if he proceeds to do that then he will only bring harm upon himself. If possible advice him against it and tell him to move on with his life. Encourage him to pick himself up and let him know that he can still find something or someone else out there but that you just can't offer anything to him anymore. You then have to slowly make an effort to reduce any kind of communication with him. It's a gradual step but you have to take your time and strip yourself of the things that attach you to him. I'm talking social media contacts, phone contacts, physical meetings and so on. So the next time he calls on you or tries to contact you might be the time to speak to him as I have stated above and finally cut the ties. Those activities that bring the both of you together would have to be kept at a minimum also.

The point I stated above that involves you keeping activities that bring you two together at a minimum might prove difficult seeing that you have a child together. Your child would most likely always bring you both together for a reason or the other but something can still be done. If things get too complicated then you might want to think of legal action. The justice system in your country should be able to give you the backing you need to handle this provided you have enough evidence. So talk to lawyer and let the person highlight your options and how the system in your country can help you.

My last advice for now is also a matter of personal choice just like others. If you are already seeing someone or plan on seeing someone soon then that might be another thing that will keep him away. Knowing that you have someone else in your life might be the push he needs to move on with his. However, I wouldn't advice you to find another person just so that he can push him away, that might not work out well for you in the long run neither would it be fair on the person you use. So I would advice that you only do this if you originally had the intention of seeing another person or if there is someone else presently. You will find that there are men that would back away at the first evidence of seriousness with another man.

I know 10 years of relationship that ends badly isn't easy to deal with but each time you feel any sort of regret, look at your child and you will see the good side of the whole thing. Take your time and heal from this. Take your time and move on. I know and believe everything would work out well for you. Now all you need to do is believe it yourself. Thanks for writing to me and I hope you wouldn't hesitate to write again when you need any sort of advice be the problem relationship or otherwise. Welcome to the Family and we hope to see more of you.


Ralph